My Life Doesn’t Look Impressive — But It’s Mine (Seedling)

I Thought I Was Behind — Something Else Was Calling Out to Me.

I thought I was having a quarter-life crisis at 28.

It hit me like a booming panic that grew louder each day: this feeling that I wasn’t doing enough, hadn’t achieved enough, wasn’t becoming enough.

I kept looking at what I thought I was supposed to have by now — by society’s standards, by other people’s timelines, by the noise in my own head.

But the more I sat with it, the more I realized…

I wasn’t falling apart.

I was just going against everything I was taught to measure myself by:

• I’m not married or have a partner.
• I don’t have a degree.
• I work 2 jobs and sleep in the backseat of my car five days a week — by choice, not because I’m homeless, but because parking at my full time job is horrendous, and I can’t afford to waste time or money.
• I sleep by 9pm or 11pm and wake up at 2am, I drive to my warehouse job, park, learn to code on my phone in the dark, and sleep another hour or two before my shift starts. I try to rest, but my mind runs rampant, my back seizes in pain, and my stomach hurts from running on snacks instead of food.
• I make $23/hour — decent by some standards — I get paid weekly, and I have a plan to utilize every paycheck. At my full-time job, I contribute 10% of my income to a 401k, with an 8% company match. I’ve grown that account to over $40,000 in three years — without a degree, without help, without shortcuts.
• My part-time job at a rage room pays $16/hour and every 2 weeks. I save 15% from that paycheck and put it into a rainy day fund, just in case.
• I’ve been investing $50 a week into my Roth IRA for two years. It’s now over $8,400.
• I’ve rebuilt my emergency fund to over $1,500 by saving $50 a week into a high-yield savings account.
• I’m still paying off $15,000 in personal debt and I’ll have this done by June-August of 2026.
• I can cook. I can clean. I know what my priorities are, and I can take care of myself because I’m worth taking care of deep down, even if I don’t believe it.

This might not look impressive to most people. Maybe all of what I shared doesn’t look impressive to you either.

But it’s real. It’s earned. And it’s mine.

I Chose To Do Something Then Settle Again

I don’t have all of the answers, I don’t know what I’m doing, but I chose to take action despite my fear and agonizing over whether I’m crazy, too much, or just accept what I’ve been given.

I walked away from a 10-year friendship that made me feel small, I stopped chasing people that wasn’t aligned with who I am or made me feel unwanted, even after sharing what was on my mind — I’m single, I’m asexual, and I don’t need to fill a void with a warm body and more empty promises.

Or worse, being kept around so that other people can feel good about themselves, instead of wanting me around because they enjoy my company.

I’ve traveled with family — to different states and even internationally. I’ve seen Seoul, Sapporo, Otaru, and Hokkaido. I’ve stood in places I used to only dream about. And still, I carry this feeling like I’m falling behind.

Because the world doesn’t clap for quiet work.

It doesn’t validate survival.

It only notices “success” when it fits a clean narrative:

• If you have a successful multi-million dollar business.
• If you own a lot of real estate or assets.
• If you have a lot of connections or opportunities.
• If you’re already “gotten everything figured out.”

Things that I don’t have right now, but know that it could be another thing to work towards.

How I Am During These Moments

I’m tired most days.

I’m angry more often than I’d like.

I don’t eat full meals because there isn’t time.

I don’t get enough restful or restorative sleep.

I can be rude, spiteful, and rigid. I don’t feel joy at my full time job, and I’m feeling myself slowly retreating internally at my part time job. I don’t feel much of anything, most days.

But I’m still here.

I’m still drafting, writing, and sharing.

Still building something, even if no one sees it yet.

The truth is:

I’m not afraid of getting older.

I’m afraid of running out of time with nothing to show for my life.

I’m Afraid of Wasting My Potential — So I Learn Everything I Can, While I Can.

But when I slow down — like really slow down — and take stock, I can see that I do have something to show:

1)A life I’m building on my own terms.

2)Boundaries I fought to set after betrayal and painful erosion of my trust.

3)I started a blog that holds my thoughts like a personal archive.

4) My mind that won’t stop learning, even in the dark. 5)My body that kept showing up, even when it’s exhausted.

6)And I have a sense of self that didn’t come from a partner, a paycheck, or external praise.

It’s not glamorous.

It’s not perfect.

But it’s mine.

And for now, that’s enough.

You’ve Reached The End

If you made it this far, I’d like to say, “thank you.” You stayed until the end and that means a lot to me.

If you’d like to learn more about what I write about, then you can check out my home and about page below.

About The Stratagem’s Archive and The Person Behind The Screen:

The Stratagem’s Archive: You Begin Here:

For those who’ve been reading silently and resonating with my work, I have a free PDF you can look over just because.

No spam, no agenda, just sharing something I made, from me to you, as a thank you.

Thank You + Free Download

Other than that, I’d like to invite everyone reading a moment of space and quiet reflection:

• Do you have moments where you feel like you’re not enough?
• Ever had to fight the thoughts in your head that’s convinced that you’re behind?

If you feel safe to share here, I’d love to know what’s on your mind in the comments below, or even a hey is cool if you feel up for it.

Otherwise, I’ll see you all later in the archives. Until next time.

Do You Ever Feel Like You’re Writing Into A Void?

Some Days I Don’t Want to Be Here — But Staying is My F#ck You to the System