The Stratagem’s Archive

Tag: reflection

  • Trite and Vexing Vocabulary

    What is a word you feel that too many people use?

    Many words have been used to the point that hearing it provokes a visceral reaction. I know that I tend to feel myself: tense up, I feel a noticeable thumping hitting the front of my skull, I’m mentally rolling my eyes, and letting out a heavy huff. It’s the only way that I’m able to release the bubbling irritation boiling within me, before returning to emotional numbness, especially when I’m at work.

    The few words or phrases that tends to get a rise from me, in the sense that I want to drop kick whoever is talking, are:

    • Can you go do X? (Either I’m already or about to do it, or the person asking bypasses more than half a dozen people standing around just to ask me? That’s infuriating.)
    • Have you seen so-so? (I’m not getting paid to babysit young adults, no. Go bother the people who’s supposed to be training the new hires.)
    • [S/he’s] not doing anything! (Have you EVER noticed you’re doing the same thing? It’s irritating, nothings going to change, just do your job and leave. Still working on taking my own advice too.)
    • I want to go home already. (Me too, but we have to finish sorting the freight, then we can leave. But that’s wishful thinking on good days.)

    These are other words and phrases I can’t think of at the top of my head, though it does make me want to drop kick people, but it also depends on how it’s being said.

    Think of it like this; we all have our preferences and it will differ from the people we know and don’t know, right? However, have you ever heard one person speaking and their voice is pleasant, soothing, and makes you want to listen more intently? Okay, keep that in mind.

    Now, imagine the most irritating, nail scratching, metal grinding metal, and obnoxious sounding person you can muster and saying the words you absolutely despise and are repeating it over and over again until you start to think your ears are bleeding. That makes those overly used words even more difficult to tolerate.

    There’s nothing that can be done about it, sadly, it’s another lingo, and the best I can do for myself is to tune everything out and do what I have to do. No matter how angry, bitter, and resentful I feel, no matter how much I want to drop kick people, I just have to exist and let go.

    For more posts like this, I have a few recommendation below, and I’ll see you over in the next ones!

    Where Peace Radiates From Most?

    My Life Through An Alternate Lens

    The Little Things Make Me Happy

  • Where Peace Radiates From Most?

    What brings you peace?

    The majority of the prompts I’ve answered since starting my blog had asked similarly, but worded differently, questions, and I had mentioned doing some physical activity. Walking had been my most prominent answer, although it’s true, this brings me contentment.

    Peace on the other hand is different; I’ve lived near the ocean my whole life and, as a kid, I’d used to have to be dragged out of the water to leave. Some people have a strong connection to the ocean: they care for it and in return the ocean would care for us. Not in the same sense as we would care for our family and friends.

    One of my grandma’s younger brother had take shrapnel from a grenade blast when he served in the Vietnam war as a young man. He was on and off medication because the doctors couldn’t remove all of the metal in his body because it would have led to him bleeding to death, so they left the metal in his body. It was until their dad took him fishing one day that, when he was out on the water casting a line, his pain felt far away.

    Whenever I used to go swimming, I would never stray too far from the shore, I would feel at peace in the water. The saltiness of the water would let me float on my back, fill my ears and everything would feel and sound muffled, sand would end of getting into places you’d never want them to be, and I would stare at the sky and let the current take me adrift.

    Being in the ocean, among the sandy shores, that hasn’t been fully contaminated by myriad of sun screen or boat waste, has been healing for both body and spirit.

    Even though I haven’t visited a beach in years, being in a hot bath provides a similar feeling the ocean used to bring to me. That feeling, though fleeting and stretched into infinity, was being able to let go and drift.

    No need to go anywhere, no obligations to fulfill, no noise about being a failure or a success or a nobody or a somebody, just being. Just breathing. Just existing.

    The sea has its rules and ignoring it would lead to disaster:

    • Never face your back to the water, else a rogue wave comes and drags you in.
    • Never fight against the current, go with it until the current calms and you can swim.
    • Take care of the sea, make it better than you found it, and it will care for you.

    Letting go and drifting in the water had brought me peace. It made me wonder if this is what moving on would feel like when my time comes, but I won’t know until I get there. The next time you’re in a large body of water, or even a simple bathtub, drift on your back, close your eyes and let the water envelope you.

  • The Autodidact’s Journey: Introducing the “Starting Over” Series

    What Will This Series Be About?

    Welcome, Co-conspirators, the Stratagem’s Archives are now open for perusing. Today I will be starting a series called, “Starting Over.” To put it simply, let me ask a single question.

    “What skills or hobbies did you want to learn, but stopped MOSTLY because of an awful experience?”

    That is essentially what “Starting Over” is going to be about; returning to pick up the skills and hobbies I gave up on and didn’t pursue for years. All thanks to the experiences I had that convinced me I wasn’t smart enough to learn, or that, because I had no prior knowledge or experience or skill, I shouldn’t have pursued those skills or hobbies in the first place.

    As you already know, “The Stratagem’s Archive,” is a place where I document my interests, thought experiments, what I’m learning, what I’ve learned, and what I’ve tried so far. Despite not having credentials, formal education or a mentor, or prior skill and knowledge, I didn’t want the obvious to prevent me from trying again.

    Fear, criticism, boredom, lack of money and time and energy, and every other obstacle under the sun already dictates majority of our lives.

    As a lifelong learner, a person, and an Autodidact, I am choosing to say, “No More”, and start my journey with picking up the things I gave up on because I “failed to learn it the first time.” (HEAVY AIR QUOTES).

    Anyways, each “Starting Over” installment will be different and broken up into parts:

    • My previous experiences and what made me stop.
    • The resources I’ve chosen to get back into learning.
    • And what I’ve learned and made so far to showcase here on the blog.

    I am extremely excited to begin this project; I had stood in my own way for a long time, believed people who knew better tell me to give up, but I only have this one life.

    • When will I ever get the chance to do anything ever again if I keep letting myself waste time with sulking and wishing?
    • When will any of us finally decide that NOW, choosing to try again, to start again, will be the only time we have now?

    Whether we are “Starting Over” or trying something new for the first time, we get to decide to:

    • shift our perspectives and psychology.
    • adjust our relationships with success and failure with learning and ourselves.
    • be proactive with our learning anyways.

    That is the beauty, and challenge, of being a lifelong learner and a fellow autodidact, polymath, renaissance person, and everything in-between. I have a similar post down below that you could check out, and I’ll see you in the first installment. Thank you.

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    Fixing An Xbox 360 Error Code E68 As a Complete Noob:

  • What Profession(s) Do I Admire?

    What profession do you admire most and why?

    This is a tough question because it seems to me that we can only pick 1 profession to admire and explain our reasoning below. I’m going to be bending the prompt to suit my needs and share what I think instead.

    The professions that I admire are almost all of them, except for the illegal types like: trafficking, prostitution, drug dealing, forcefully indentured and many more that I don’t want to immerse myself in.

    I’ve worked entry level jobs my entire working life. I had worked at 2 separate grocery store chains, I’ve worked at a fresh food restaurant called, “Teddy’s Bigger Burgers”, I’ve been unemployed for 7 months from leaving my first job that I had since high school, and I’m currently working at a warehouse full time and at a rage room part time.

    My reasoning behind admiring every legal profession is that every job does keep society and the economy thriving.

    Yes, though many jobs are essential and necessary, I’m aware that the countless ways we are able to earn an income are less than ideal and to our preference. Myriad forms of employment are also:

    • Dangerous
    • Unsafe
    • Unsanitary
    • Grisly
    • Life threatening
    • Etc.

    However, without the people who have the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual fortitude to handle those kinds of work, someone was given the strength to do those jobs, things might have been different, wouldn’t you agree?

    • Teachers
    • Military
    • Customer service
    • Drivers
    • Nurses
    • Paramedics
    • Doctors
    • Veterinarians
    • Business owners
    • Custodians
    • Morticians
    • Programmers
    • Farmers
    • Ranchers
    • Personal Trainers
    • Accountants
    • Information Technicians
    • Hospice care
    • Police officers
    • Private investigators
    • Detectives
    • Security guards
    • Fire fighters
    • Rangers
    • Volunteers
    • Freelancers
    • Chefs
    • Bakers
    • Animators
    • Actors
    • Drivers
    • Bartenders
    • Comedians
    • Therapists
    • Authors
    • Publishers
    • Game developers
    • Architects
    • Spelunkers
    • Historians
    • EVERY JOB THAT LEGALLY EXISTS THAT CAN’T FIT IN THIS ALREADY LONG LIST, BUT ARE ACKNOWLEDGED ALL THE SAME!!!

    Every job is necessary, many are needed, stressful, monotonous, spontaneous, and sometimes thankless. Even though each job might not get the recognition, status, or pay that we believe we deserve, we are able to provide for ourselves, our families, our presents, and our futures.

    That is something we can admire – each job is a stepping stone and learning experience if we ever want to move up laterally in a company or vertically into a different field – we have the capacity to make our own path the best to our ability. We earn our keep however we currently can and strive for whatever we want to achieve in each chapter of our lives.

    If you agree or disagree with my list, share your thoughts in the comments below. I would love to know what you all think about this prompt. Otherwise, I have a few other prompts you could check out below. The archives will be closing now. See you again when we open. Thank you!

  • It is Important to Carry Memories

    What is the most important thing to carry with you all the time?

    I’m a hypocrite because I don’t make enough memories in my life with my family or those I care about. I’ve always hated cameras and flashes – it mostly stemmed from a childhood fear of one of R.L. Stein’s Goosebumps book about the haunted camera – and I never liked seeing my own face.

    Although, I guess I’d rather live through the memories than be included in the memories. I’ve always believed that my presence, even among family, tends to spoil the fun and experience. I’ve gotten good at being an observer because I know what it’s like to have someone very close to me lose their memories, themselves, in real time.

    Despite my personal feelings, the reason I chose memories is because I grew up with my paternal grandpa who had Alzheimer’s. As a kid, I didn’t understand why my Papa couldn’t remember much and my family told me to be patient because he couldn’t remember. You can’t tell a kid to do something when, at such young ages, it’s instinct to be impulsive and impatient.

    On the days he forgot, it hurt because it was as though, as a kid, my Papa could remember to do his chores, walk to McDonald’s to get his coffee, and get home safely, but not remember us.

    Sadly, I wasn’t the most behaved kid and I would do really stupid things like, locking the house door from the inside and watching him try to force the door open until my grandma would tell me to open the door. After I did, my grandpa would walk in, see me, and nothing else.

    I even remember when I would sleep in my grandma’s living room and I was woken up because my head was hurting, like someone was taking a hammer to my skull, and it had been my Papa hitting my head like I was a pillow because: 1)it was dark; 2)he couldn’t recognize or remember me.

    Even though it’s been years since I thought about him, he passed away in 2009 and I was just entering intermediate school, I think I’m thinking of him because my maternal grandpa passed away last month.

    He was still young – in his mid-sixties – he loved to cook, sing, play cards and make up his own rules to play, he told me stories of his time in the Army, his regrets, and how he would have done things differently if he had the chance.

    Now, I have both of my grandma’s still alive, but because I’ve been working so hard I haven’t made time to hang out with them or my family.

    My paternal grandma is in her early 80’s, still sound of mind and body, and maternal grandma is in her late 60’s, still sound of mind and body too.

    I fear that something will happen to my paternal grandma because I moved out, even though I tend to call her, I haven’t called her in a while. Even to my other grandma, hell, even to my parents.

    My mom likes taking pictures, I found them a waste of time, but as I’m getting older I’m starting to see their significance. As I get older, so does everyone else, and the amount of time I’ll get to listen to my family’s stories grow smaller and smaller, but even memories will slowly fade with time.

    I can’t remember much of my time with my Papa anymore and my Grandpa’s stories are slowly fading because I didn’t hang out with him as much as he wanted. I’d try, but I also didn’t make much effort either.

    I don’t know what anyone is going through, but if you have people in your life you still care about: call them, tell them you love them, something. Anything, especially if they do matter to you. My family doesn’t say a lot of things enough, we’re not ones for words of affirmation but through actions, but I can share that, from my experience, it does make a difference.

    I’m still working on this myself as I’m learning to navigate my own life as I’m approaching my new life stage of 30. Not there yet, but making memories is all we’ll have, even if we forget them, it’ll come back to us when we need them.

  • My Life Through An Alternate Lens

    Describe your life in an alternate universe.

    Exploring The Opposite Side of Me

    I could imagine that an Alternative version of Me would have pushed through a lot of things. Alternative Me would have:

    • Stood her ground or walked away from friendships that weren’t supportive of her.
    • Avoided being a victim of stalking from discerning people sooner.
    • Stopped being a people pleaser ASAP.
    • Pushed through 1 more year of wrestling.
    • Started many projects early on: YouTube, blogging, coding, game design, locking picking, investing, etc.
    • Pursued scholarships to afford a full 4 years of university.
    • Pursued a mentorship or went abroad for school.
    • Avoided (personal loan) debts and paid with cash (for most things).
    • Found an apartment sooner to learn independent living, rely on family less sooner too.
    • Took my nutrition, sleep, and health more seriously.
    • Spent more time hanging out with family than shutting herself in her room over the years.

    Everything I currently am, the lessons I’ve learned up until now, this alternate me would have learned sooner and done things sooner with a broader and larger portfolio than what I currently have built up so far.

    Very likely I would have explored and been exposed to different fields, different people, experiences, and lessons sooner because I stood up for myself and didn’t let fear control me as my current self had done for years.

    So afraid of being alone, I clung to horrible friendships; So afraid of failure, I struggle to accept compliments and need constant reassurance that I’m doing alright; So terrified of being criticized that I never improving my skills or further my learning: writing, sketching, health, investing, anything until 2023 to 2025.

    But I can’t dwell on the past or on what I should have done, I’ll become depressed, and I’ll need to keep working on myself and pursue the things I want to while I still have the time. I had wasted years on hypotheticals that my reality had declined until this year alone, that it’s time to put in the work now more than ever. Time to improve, learn from the past, and build my present and future regardless of where I am today!

  • What The Little Things Mean to Me — And Why They Matter More Than They Should.

    List 30 things that make you happy.

    Maybe 30 Is Too Much

    I can enjoy a few small things that make me forget the insanity of the world and my current place in it – most are free and others have a monetary price – as these ground me most days. These take my mind off of whatever distresses me and I’m able to temporarily return to a baseline of calm and ease.

    This isn’t a comprehensive list, though it is long, but it’s not everything that brings me joy. You know when you have a lot of interests and you have to narrow things down to fit on an index card? Yeah, I had to do that here. What usually brings me joy, the order is of no importance, is:

    • A walk around the neighborhood
    • A hot bath after a long day of working
    • A good book to read
    • A good pen to write with and a good journal to write in
    • Good music to listen to
    • A good movie to watch
    • Making time to sketch
    • Playing a good game (video, card, reading, or D&D)
    • Letting a YouTube “Let’s Play” playlist play in the background
    • Cooking a nice meal for myself and for family
    • Solving a problem that’s stumped me
    • Learning something new and interesting: be it a fact, skill, or a secret
    • Talking stories and listening to someone talk
    • Existing alone in silence
    • Visiting a bookstore and libraries
    • Going someplace where no one knows you
    • Collecting foreign currency
    • Being alive as a means for revenge

    In these rare moments I focus on doing something or nothing is when I’m most free.

    I’m not struggling to meet some arbitrary standard, not trying to impress someone who decides whether or not I’m worthy of something they have power over, not trying to do something that could benefit someone else through my work and efforts.

    A brief reprieve, a moment to simply exist.

    A moment to let the voices outside of me, and inside my head, to fall away, and I’m left in silence before the noise takes over again. Thank you for reading this one, I’ll see you when the archives opens again.

    The Courage to Live: How Living is The Best Revenge Against a Broken System:

  • Curiosity Leads to Answers and Questions!!!

    What are you curious about?

    Think of The Possibilities!!!

    I’m curious about a lot of things and, like everything in life, time is in limited supply and high demand! However, I’m most curious about whether I’m capable of learning and applying new skills and hobbies. I have a whole list of things I want to see if I could do it:

    • Parkour
    • Rock climbing
    • Boxing
    • MMA
    • Playing an instrument: piano, keyboard, or guitar
    • Painting with acrylics (its what I have)
    • Coding/cyber security
    • Homesteading
    • Bartending
    • Game design or storytelling
    • Living alone without technology for however many days I can last

    This is just the starter list. The last point is something that I want to try before I die. Majority of the things I could be curious about: quantum physics, engineering, robotics, architecture, history, and all those other advanced subjects I could thankfully learn from documentaries, museums, and other materials.

    Maybe we’ve gotten so used to the saying that, “if someone did something, then it’s already been done.”

    Of course someone did something, it’s something they’ve done, but could we turn the question onto ourselves for a second.

    What is something you’ve always wanted to do, never did it yet, that you could eventually end up doing today or soon?

    No more putting things off like months or years prior. Being a healthy nosy person lets you follow your curiosity and act on it.

    You see a store you never heard of? Might as well take a look inside and ask around; Hear music and glass breaking somewhere, but no danger or distress around? Either people are ignoring the sound or it could be a rage room, who knows?

    I did this at an anime convention this year, if anyone is familiar with the game because I’m not, with the cast of “Baldur’s Gate 3” were part of the guest roster.

    Neil Newbom, Devora Wilde, Jennifer English, and Theo Solomon were present, there were a lot of the cosplays as Baldur’s Gate 3 was the new Homestuck blocking the fire emergency exit because that’s how much of them had, and it was insane!

    I only knew of these people from watching YouTube D&D sessions from Wizards of the Coast channel. I’ve never played or watched anything Baldur’s Gate 3 related except those D&D sessions. I only knew, at the time, that I wanted to say hi to Devora Wilde because she seemed unapologetically chaotic and I vibed with that.

    When at the convention, saw they were having their signings, went up to Devora Wilde’s table and straight up admitted that, “I didn’t know who she or her friends were, I didn’t know the game they were from, and I only knew of them from D&D, but I wanted to say hi.”

    She was really nice, she was someone I had to look up to because she was taller than myself, and she took the pictures with my phone. It was a pretty fun moment and I managed to get a hug from her.

    Sadly, I forget that I can’t always lift people up, especially strangers, because that’s how I show excitement: trying to crush the life out of you and lift you off of the ground, which I did do as a habit when someone lets me hug them. I’m also a grappler, but I digress.

    Either way, that was my experience; I don’t know if I should regret it, cringe over it, or cry over what I did, but I have to accept that I did that. I got to meet someone that other people were so excited to meet and had my time with someone who I could live vicariously through her work, but wouldn’t want to trade my life for hers.

    I don’t know if I met the actual person or her character, but I’m glad I did it anyways.

    Bit by bit, I’m building up my own reservoir of story material and life experiences. The only way to achieve this, despite our fear telling us otherwise, is to follow our curiosity one check marked off our, what I call, a “bullshit bucket list”, at a time.

  • I Refuse to Bring Back A Dinosaur

    If you could bring back one dinosaur, which one would it be?

    I had browsed through the other answers provided for this prompt and, I have to say, I agree with the people who said that they wouldn’t want to let Jurassic Park become reality; I wouldn’t want to let that movie become reality either and that would be a nightmare to experience. I’m still haunted by the scene from the first “Jurassic World” movie where that lady was grabbed the Pterodactyls and then was eaten by that large aquatic dinosaur whole.

    I’ve also watched “Attack on Titan” and remembered season one when Eren Jaeger was eaten by that one random Titan whole and he was just sitting, while alive and conscious, in the Titan’s stomach acid. Even another person was sitting, being boiled alive by the stomach acid, for a moment before she died a slow and painful death.

    That is pretty much what that scene from the”Jurassic World” made me think of, except that lady wasn’t the main character, let alone a secondary main character, and the writer’s killed her off in one of the most gruesome ways possible. She was swallowed whole and very likely died slowly and very painfully, alone and afraid and rather unnecessarily. I get that it was probably for shock value, but I had nightmares when I saw that scene.

    I refuse to rewatch that one movie only because of that scene. I’ll watch all the other installments, but I refuse to watch that one particular movie. You couldn’t pay me enough money to sit and watch the movie. Not even for one billion dollars! I could tell you what I would do if I had one billion dollars in this article, What Would You Do If You Had 24 hours to Spend 1 Billion Dollars? And I can tell you right now that watching “Jurassic World” IS NOT ONE OF THOSE THINGS!!!

    Thank you for taking the time to read my rants. I’ll see you in another one!

  • It Was A Typical, Atypical Day

    Was today typical?

    Some aspects of a typical day followed the same patterns that I barely noticed, though noticed enough, the disruption in said patterns. The day only becomes “atypical” if I believe something has changed, something shifted, and I experience a mixture of emotions all at once:

    • I felt dread and trepidation because my vacation ended, I have to return to my full-time job that drains me. Yet, I feel relieved that I can step away from the keyboard for a little bit.
    • I felt hatred and resentment towards myself because not much has changed since taking my vacation; I’m still working for a corporation that pays me well enough being a college drop out, offers great benefits, but kills me on the inside every second I’m present. However, I get to dictate what I want and can do in the day.
    • I’ve gotten curious to try something’s from Pinterest because I want to be proven right and wrong at the same time. At least, until I can work at my part time rage room job, then I’ll be hating everything and everyone at work. Unfortunately, that’s typical for me until I wake up without the help of caffeine or energy drinks.
    • I’d want to finish up the work week already, jump straight back to being my days off, so I get to decide how to spend my time without someone looming over my shoulder or dictating me: be it learning, experimenting, or pursuing new outlets and passions.
    • I feel dreadful that I don’t want to get out of bed, I don’t have much energy to bother, but I have to get up, follow my routine, or I’ll fall behind again.

    The main difference from my typical day shifting to an atypical one is mostly from the small progress and projects I hadn’t done before, but gave it a try anyways.

    • Been working on my story telling and writing skills.
    • Fixed and potentially saved an Xbox 360 from a rage impending doom: Fixing A(n) (E68) System Error Xbox 360 As a Complete Noob:
    • Read and finished 1 more book than the prior years.
    • Learned and advocated my needs and boundaries, even if that meant walking away from people I used to call “friends”, but they never really called me that in return.
    • Taking charge and accumulating wins from the moment I wake up to when it’s time to sleep again.

    The list goes on and on, it provides a small silver lining within my usual pessimistic and neurotic perspective, yet I am grateful that things are slowly changing. Small acts of courage, even when I feel afraid, has given me another “second chance” I never gave myself years prior. Things can change, are changing, and are becoming something different that I can’t wait to see what and where it could lead to.

    I’m terrified, although I feel more courageous to move forward regardless of that fear, and that is the most atypical of a day it could get for me. Wouldn’t that be one of the best feelings in the world to experience?

    Slight Change in The “Typical/Atypical” Part:

    Update: So, this became an atypical day because a few things happened today:

    • 1) According to my coworker, we had a tsunami watch last week, even though I told her that I didn’t get a notification. She said a lot of people didn’t get it, but lots saw it on Facebook, which I don’t have.
    • 2) The tsunami watch was supposed to have ended the same week it was announced, but it didn’t.
    • 3) Now, the watch became a tsunami threat, so a lot of people were panicking, driving crazy, all because, and I understand, they’re trying to get home to evacuate the coastal areas and move to higher ground or further inland.

    Thankfully, I made it home to my apartment, my family are packing everything to move to higher ground or further inland, but this has been the first ever tsunami threat in probably decades. We’ve been able to avoid a lot of tsunamis and hurricanes for a long time now. I guess Mother Nature decided we needed a wake up call, get us to set our priorities straight, and see if we are ready for her violent and vicious visit approaching in a few hours after this update.

    I’ll just have to wait and see. Hopefully, everyone makes it to where they have to go safely because I’ve seen first hand how crazy people can get from small inconveniences. I know I would get upset and mad if someone cuts me off in traffic without using their blinker. That’s over an inconvenience.

    But when we feel our life, and our loved one’s lives, are being really threatened? That’s a completely different story. But the only thing we can do, especially what I can do, is wait and see. Thanks for letting me rant a bit, but things should be okay for now.