The Stratagem’s Archive

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  • Implementing Structure in Chaos

    What strategies do you use to maintain your health and well-being?

    Well-being and Well Practiced:

    The strategies I use to maintain my health and well-being vary by the situation. Not every strategy, I’ve come to believe, is a one size fits all and I’m a kinesthetic kind of person. I usually experience things physically and I would need physical outlets to expel as much energy as I can. For example:

    • I’m feeling excited: I have to differentiate which feeling of excitement I’m experiencing. If its anger, then it’ll manifest as my mind slowly latching on to a perceived problem, my shoulders will tense, a brick will drop in my stomach, my hands will ball into fists, and I’ll have the strong urge to want to break something (or someone).

    If I’m working at my warehouse job, then I’ll use it as strength to move more freight than usual, but I won’t be pleasant to be around. But if I’m working at my rage room job, then I can experience controlled chaos vicariously through the customers visiting because I can hype them up.

    Otherwise, when I’m at home, I’ll take a walk around the neighborhood, I’ll use my kettlebell and perform: goblet squats, KB swings, KB halo casts, suitcase carry, or Turkish get-ups throughout the day as incidental training sets. I’ll do calisthenics, practice boxing and kicking in my apartment since I can’t practice my wrestling or BJJ without disturbing my downstairs neighbors with my sandbag. I’ll do what I can to keep myself active and fit with the small gym I made in my studio.

    Else, if it’s not anger, then I’m feeling ecstatic: it’ll manifest as excessive energy has been injected into my legs. I can’t sit or stand still, I’ll be bouncing on my feet or rocking back in forth in place on my heels to my toes, and I’ll be a human equivalent to a dog that has the zoomies.

    This is where I need to do something. If I’m at home, then this could mean anything: I want to watch a movie that looks interesting, I get to work on a personal project, I finally have enough money to attend a gym or an event I REALLY wanted to check out, try out a new skill, I want to explore an idea and I have it written down so I remember it, I get to hang out with somebody, or I’m going on vacation and I have my time for myself.

    Although, when my energy is lower than usual, my mind is blank, and I’m not obsessing over something to the point where I think something is wrong, I revel in my slow days too. On these days, I take advantage of not having the compulsion to do something, and I can sit with my other, non-physical interests:

    • Read a book for 5-15 minutes and get through my huge backlog.
    • Meditate for between 1-5 minutes a day, at least.
    • Box breathing with a 4-4-6 cadence for 1-5 minutes throughout the day.
    • Work on a few sketches: line art, learn to blend color, add lighting, work on backgrounds, etc.
    • Listen to a daily Alux lesson and contemplate how to incorporate it into my life or how it already has before the lesson.
    • Journaling what’s interesting, what I liked, what I wished was better, and what steps I’m taking to make and be better.
    • Playing video games for an hour or 2.
    • Watch YouTube videos, revisit my online learning experiences, and apply it.

    I have a lot of activities that has me doing something; whether it’s physical or mental challenges, I take in the very rare moments where I simply stare at my ceiling – I’m not thinking or dreading, I don’t feel compelled or depressed, I don’t have to feel the need to strive or put myself down – and I simply exist and I’m, finally, albeit briefly, content.

    I also enjoy talking stories with certain people, my grandma especially, or I just listen to her talk. If anyone does something for their well-being that is different and interesting, I would love to know what it is that you do to keep yourself sane amidst the noise and chaos. Might inspire something new to explore and try out for fun.

  • Leveling Up Exploration Skill IRL:

    What are your future travel plans?

    My future travel plans are simple and could be silly to some people, but I don’t care if it’s silly. It’s where I want to go because I want to increase my exploration skill in-real life! Below are the places I want to go just because I want to go there:

    • Iceland (between August and September): I want to participate in the Puffling patrol; you find baby Puffins (birds native to Iceland) in the city, rescue them to the nearest sea cliff, and throw them over. It is said that they live close to the sea and they get lost following the city lights, mistaking them for moonlight, which is how they navigate to the ocean.
    • Greece (May-June & September-October): I’ve always been fascinated by Greek mythology, later lessons from a YouTuber, AMO Pankration, about Hellenistic practices regarding training, health, and their history. I am also a fan of Assassin’s Creed: Odyssey, so I wanted to experience one of the main hubs, the architecture, presence, and culture, that shaped the modern world into what it is today. From Athens, to Laconia, to Mykonos, I want to visit the places in-game protagonists, Kassandra and Alexios, lived in.
    • Belgium (April-May & September-October): I wanted to visit Belgium mainly to eat authentic Belgian chocolate. Although, I would love to experience what the country has to offer: Gravensteen Castle, Belfry of Bruges, Basilica of The Holy Blood, Bruges, Ghent’s Old Town, museums, and food I’ve never tried before. Walking tours sound amazing as well.
    • Titanic Museum (Pigeon Forge, TN and Branson, MO): I came across this by chance on a YouTube short: visitors could explore a replica of The Titanic. What got my attention the most was when people could experience the water temperature the passengers felt as The Titanic sank. That was said to be one of the last things they felt before they died; chilling, icy cold water, that burned every fiber of your being. As morbid as it is, tragedy reminds us to not take what we have for granted, and sometimes we need to physically experience those reminders. I might walk out more depressed than when I walked in, but I am willing to go through with it!

    This is not the entire list of places I want to go, even though going is inspired by a video game, the places are real. I collect foreign currency because they are reminders of places I’ve been to or came into my possession by chance. I want to broaden my horizons and increase my exploration EXP to the next level.

    If anyone has been to places that are:

    • Decently known, not as widely known.
    • That has great sights, good food, is safe for tourists to explore.
    • Something new to offer: exhibits, hiking, or is interactive and has great gift shops (authentic memorabilia and craftsmanship).

    Please let me know where any of you have been, why, and what the experience was like. I would love to expand my list of places to explore and visit while I have the chance.

  • The Hum and Grind of Metal and Rubber

    What do you listen to while you work?

    I listen to the sound of a conveyor belt, it’s machination thrumming in the background, moving the freight we have to sort through at work. It often squeals, like agitated birds, whenever the belt is overloaded with more weight than it can move and abruptly halts. It resumes once we’re able to reduce the weight on the conveyor belt down, then we resume work too.

    Music had been banned in the warehouse; I don’t know why, though it’s a blessing and a curse, because we used to have someone repeat the same three Māoli songs: “Shoot Down”, “I Would Look Good on You”, and “Every Night Every Morning.”

    It got to the point where, if I heard either of those songs, I would get a visceral reaction: a brick dropping in my stomach, my body would shudder with anger and irritation, and I would use ear plugs to reduce listening to those songs. I would prefer giving in to hitting my head against the wall than listen to these songs. It’s gotten better, I don’t react as strongly as before, and I’ve grown numb instead. The songs start playing, no reaction, though I still would change it to something else.

    Somehow, along the way, we weren’t allowed to play music, even songs most of us grew up listening to. So, my coworkers and I have conversations, have our own little karaoke sessions, and do what we can to stave off boredom at work.

  • I Am One of Those Kinds of Gamers.

    What’s your favorite game (card, board, video, etc.)? Why?

    My favorite games vary on the situation; if I’m playing with family, then I like to bring my Left, Right, Center game because it can get intense when we play for money. Nothing too crazy; either quarters or dollar bills and we keep the money if we win. Nothing too crazy, no harm, no foul, and we become an ATM if we want to keep playing and we can break larger bills from our wins. More money for us! And standard family fun.

    For the PS4, then I’m obsessed with From Software’s games, “Elden Ring and Bloodborne”. These games are fun, challenging, and engaging because, unlike other video games, you can’t change the difficulty level and you have to get resourceful when trying to get through a game that doesn’t tell you what to do, where to go, except your objective. The storylines are engaging and it forces you to rethink your current play through in order to beat a low level enemy or a main boss.

    Although, my favorite XBOX360 video game has been “Final Fantasy 13” from Square Enix. When FF13 was released in 2010-2011, I was blown away by the graphics, the character designs, and the storyline as a teen. Much like the movie, “Eragon”, Final Fantasy 13’s graphics look better than some current video games and it holds a special place in my heart.

    I reminisce about replaying Final Fantasy 13 and get nostalgic when I watch the cutscenes on YouTube. Now that I got a new controller, I’ll be able to see if my XBOX360 still works. Otherwise, if it’s too old to function anymore, then I’ll take my system to my rage room job and sell it for $10-$20. I won’t be able to watch memories be destroyed by strangers and I wouldn’t be able to bring myself to destroy my gaming system!

    Else, if it’s on my phone, then I enjoy reading games where your choices affect the story. I happened upon a text based game company called, “Choice of Games LLC” and their child company, I’m not sure if that’s what it is, called, “Hosted Games LLC” back in high school. Give or take 2010 or 2011, when I first played “Zombie Exodus” in class and getting scared because of how the story was written and I wanted to make sure everyone in the game survived.

    I got a lot of the survivors killed because I wasn’t paying attention to my resources or the integrity of our stronghold and majority of the support was destroyed by the sheer force of the undead. My mismanagement led to a lot of survivors I liked to die horribly. I had to retry so many times because I didn’t want to accept that their deaths were final or canonically unchanging, despite everything I did.

    I enjoy the games on Hosted Games LLC because they were written by fans of text based games. They use the company’s source code, create a story, and can produce it as their own, like a partnership in a way. I am waiting for the next chapters of “Zombie Exodus: Safe Haven”, “Fallen Hero”, “Wayhaven Chronicles”, “The Golden Rose”, “I, the Forgotten One”, “The Fernweh Saga”, “Samurai of Hyuga”, and “The Soul Stone Wars.” I’m not promoting these games or stories, but I am waiting patiently for the next books to release so I can know how the story progresses and ends.

  • Why Not A Secured Adventure?

    Are you seeking security or adventure?

    Picking between security and adventure can be difficult. Though, even if we were to define what security and adventure looks like for us as individuals, wouldn’t it be a fun thought experiment to claim we are seeking both?

    I can understand the need to feel secure: in a home, relationship, in a career, with our finances, our life in general. Although, being able to have stories to tell, share, and recall would require we break out of our comfort zone. And, to break out of comfort zone, we have to do something that scares us. On the bright side, for the adrenaline averse, it doesn’t require jumping out of a plane, running from bulls, or street racing.

    For myself, I’ve been socially averse and anxious throughout most of my life, so getting a part time job at a rage room pushed me out of my comfort zone; It’s interactive customer service, providing safety procedures, a new experience, and it lets me work on several personal skills:

    • Customer service
    • Adaptability
    • Attention to detail
    • Sales
    • Social skills

    It’s a social job that I thoroughly enjoy. Compared to the customer service jobs I held prior, I like interacting with customers. I get to help them get excited to break things. It’s a different experience, we’ve been conditioned to take care of our things, and most people struggled to break their items because it goes against what we were taught not to do.

    It’s understandable, it’s an adventure of itself, and no one has to worry about being arrested for vandalism and destructing of property! Unless customers choose to do that after we go over safety, then that statement goes out the window.

    Where Does Security Appear?

    My part time job offers a steady paycheck every two weeks. This helps me, on top of my full time warehouse job, build my financial buffers. I won’t have to worry about not affording something because I have extra money coming in. And I can plan for my future self while having my own kind of fun in the present. It’s a win-win, even though I’m working two jobs.

    The app my part time job uses, Gusto, is amazing because I’m able to save 15% of my paycheck and have it moved into a rainy day fund, rather than a set dollar amount. Saving a percentage is better in my opinion because the number always adjusts to the total.

    Say, for example, you have to work less hours due to an injury, illness, or taking care of a loved one. With a set percentage, the amount of money being moved could be adjusted to what you earn. Same if you worked over time and that number increases. You could be saving more in that rainy day fund over time than if you set it for $20, $30, $40. You get the picture, but how you allocate your funds is ultimately up to you.

  • Seeing The Fruits of My Labor Bloom

    What are you most excited about for the future?

    The thing that I’m most excited about for in the future is seeing how much I’ve grown and how far I’ve walked from the person I used to be. My past self used to be someone I would describe as being very fortunate people put up with her. If I was a stranger interacting with my past self, then I would have ‘noped’ out and away from her.

    I could recognize, in hindsight, that I was toxic; although, I’ve gotten better at communicating, associating most feelings with words, and admitting I’m wrong. It still comes out snarky sometimes, but that’s a defense mechanism I’m working on dismantling.

    Another thing I’m excited about is getting out of debt. I have just shy of $16,000 left to pay off: $4,000 in credit card debt and $12,000 from a personal loan, but I’m paying them down aggressively so I can save more, invest more, and be more generous with my money. If I’m able to build up enough of a buffer, I’d like to be able to take time off from work and pursue opportunities I’ve never considered before.

    I’m getting bored with just working, going home, and repeat these days. I do visit my family as often as I can or I call them if I can’t, though I hadn’t volunteered since high school and that was for promoting science to elementary school children. Might as well give this a go, see what happens, and learn from people taking charge and making a difference. Who knows what kind of stories I’ll be able to tell when the time comes!

  • A.I. Was Taking Over My Writing Life — I Had to Pull Myself Back

    Pocket Full of “Answers”: How Using Google’s Gemini Shrank My Mind

    Welcome, Co-conspirators, to the Stratagem’s Archives. Today I’ll be sharing my experiences when using Google’s Gemini and how it’s been affecting me. I can’t consider myself a “True Mastermind” if I delegate my thinking to an external database. So, I’m here to reclaim my self-proclaimed title by doing what I should have done from the beginning – Thinking for myself – and having my work, my ability to write, tell stories, come up with ideas, and string coherent sentences, be judged than be seen as “perfect” with A.I.

    Disclaimer: I am not a cyber analyst, engineer, nor great with technology. I’m great at using Google’s search bar. Anything else, I’m abysmal at, so please consult with professionals or someone worth their salt if you’re looking for a proper tutorial. I’m here to share, but not to that level yet. Thanks!

    The Codependency is Real, Co-conspirators…

    If you refer to my previous blog articles here in The Archives, then you will see a massive difference between my writing – messy, distracted, and long winded, a reflection of how the writer speaks in person – and using A.I.

    I used AI to check for grammatical errors, improve the writing format to match this blog’s “Mastermind/Villain/Autodidact” tone, and realizing “my idea” became “it’s work” instead.

    When I had compared my writings in the Archives, I had noticed that, despite my own biases, I was reading something a person wrote; the writing isn’t professional, it’s full of mistakes, and takes awhile to get to the point.

    When reading something generated by an A.I. it feels empty, like I’m reading words, but no emotion is stirred within me: no call to action, no call to fight some injustice, nothing arises.

    A Side by Side Comparison:

    This comparison can be easily seen in my earlier blog post, 2025 is Nearly Over! A 6-Month Reflection & Projecting Ahead. I can candidly share that the majority of that article had been rewritten after being examined by Gemini.

    I didn’t like what I wrote, I thought that my real work would lose people’s interest or attention, as this is my first real project being shared publicly. I struggle to write anything engaging or interesting without running off tangent, which happens often, and is apparent in my first two articles.

    Here in the article, “2025 is Nearly Over! A 6-Month Reflection & Projecting Ahead”, I didn’t finish the entire rewrite because I got lazy, bored, and distracted. I had other ideas I wanted to pursue and, just rewriting the text and switching back and forth between tabs, took a lot of time. It took a lot of time because:

    1. It takes me days, maybe weeks, to finish one article draft to completion, then look for grammatical errors or polish it up through Gemini.
    2. I have to copy and paste each header and block here on the WordPress/Jetpack app individually into Gemini’s text box because I can’t highlight the entire text to copy and paste.
    3. After inputting my work and have Gemini look it over, I am practically starting over from scratch. If it took me days to write the original text, then what I’m doing doubles the time redoing everything and copying the “answers” Gemini provided was better than anything I could ever come up with.

    While everything being provided sounded better in comparison to what I came up with, it took 1 video to snap me back to reality. I was stunting my own growth and, where I was heading, my future looked bleak and blank.

    What Prompted The Stratagem’s Archives to Share This?

    That’s a very good question! Thank you for asking that, Friend. I’m definitely not pantomiming an imaginary conversation. Nope, not me. I was prompted to write this post while listening to The Bioneer on YouTube. His video, “THIS is the Most Powerful Form of Brain Training – Stay Ahead of AI!”, made me realize that I was neglecting my own skills, my own ability to learn, and grow.

    I was actively stunting my own growth – replacing potential ideas, my words, my voice, and conversational and therapeutic help – for fast results. I used something that actively agreed with everything I typed, and it didn’t provide a counterargument or challenged my thoughts. I had an intangible “Yes Man” in my pocket, not a helper.

    After The Bioneer’s video ended, I got up to brush my teeth, then I was hit with an idea. It was for a text based game idea I called, “Return to the World”; the synopsis is about the player character living in isolation for some time and heavily relying on their artificial assistant “R.O.A.M.” (Ready Optimal Artificial Mediator).

    After a system error shuts R.O.A.M. Down, you, as the player, has to relearn how to take care of yourself almost from scratch, slowly developing skills that became dormant from a lack of use and, as the title claims, you are returning to reality and its complexities.

    That is what I am declaring here – I will reclaim and share my personality, reactivate dormant skills, learn new skills out of genuine curiosity, and become an authentic Mastermind – I had been confused when I had started The Stratagem’s Archives, originally known as “Plans2Action”.

    I thought that I had to be a real life villain to be engaging.That being inspired by fictional villainy and twisting this concept on its head, maybe I’ve been describing an anti-villain or anti-hero this whole time, to have an outline to follow. But I’m not cut to intentionally be a real life villain, and being a hero is unappealing to me.

    Instead, I’d rather be a wild card – I can still work my way up to be a “True Mastermind”, but not in the same way I had been throughout most of my blog posts – diving into new ventures and sharing them here. Being intentional with what I choose to do and not do, rather than trying to take over the world.

    Any Upsides to A.I. Though?

    Reawakening dormant skills will take work and, while I will be actively working to reduce my over reliance on using A.I., it has a time and place just like any other tool. You can use a fork to eat cereal, but a spoon would be more effective.

    I think A.I. has been able to help me identify things I could describe, but lacked the proper vocabulary for. For example, when writing my last article, The Stratagem Begins: From Scarcity to Financial Empowerment: Part 1:, I couldn’t figure out what a specific feeling was called and needed help. I typed in Gemini, asking it, “What is that visceral feeling you get when you are using physical cash to pay for something instead of using a credit or debt card?” And it gave me the term called, “the pain of paying”: a well-known phenomenon in behavioral economics made known when paying with physical cash as opposed to using a credit or debit card.

    This term, though I didn’t do further research into this phenomenon, perfectly described the feeling I felt when I had started to pay with cash to prevent increasing my revolving debt. It’s an uncomfortable feeling, I can feel my wallet grow lighter, and the consequence of having a set amount of money at hand forces me to prioritize my needs from my wants.

    Anything Else to Add?

    In conclusion, A.I. may have muddled my mind, I must train myself to strike a balance with it supplementing my work than having it write it for me.

    A.I. still has its uses, it still has a time and place, but over relying on it can shrink your mind, skills, and narrow your perspective. That’s my opinion, at least.

    Work on your own skills, have stories to tell, share them with your own personal flair, rather than delegating that option to A.I. Let it be a tool, not the solution. Let it help, not infantilize you and take over your life.

    If you’ve had similar experiences with A.I., or are overcoming an A.I. dependency, share how you’ve been using A.I., how it’s been affecting you, and your journey to find a middle ground in the comments below. With that said, The Archives will be closing. Until we open again!

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  • The Stratagem Begins: From Scarcity to Financial Empowerment: Part 1:

    The Stratagem’s Budgeting Strategy:

    Welcome, Co-conspirators, to the Financial Acquisition category of the ‘Stratagem’s Archive’. Here, I shall unveil the blueprints of my journey to forge wealth and refine my financial acumen.

    But first, a candid admission: I used to be a money miser, a penny pinching devotee. Overcoming this was a challenge that spanned years. Yet, through relentless study, meticulous observation, and the crucible of trial and error, I have diligently forged my budgeting muscles. I now wield my resources with precision, aggressively dismantling my debts while simultaneously expanding my reserves.

    The very tactics I’ve deployed are perfect for those embarking on their own financial campaigns, for several reasons:

    • A solid foundation: It builds a stronghold of accountability.
    • Field-tested Principles: You can adapt my proven methodologies, calibrating them to your unique objectives.
    • Accelerated Conquests: Bypass years of independent struggle by learning directly from my tactical missteps.

    What I’ve Learned From Trial and Error: A Mastermind’s Reckoning:

    My path to becoming financially adept – competent, confident, and literate – was fraught with gaps, bumps, and unseen traps. While I do not claim the title of a financial oracle, I have discovered how to command my capital with a select arsenal of tools: the strategic deployment of cash over credit, the unerring guidance of sound judgement, and a humble calculator.

    At the time of this writing, I am systematically eradicating $16,000 of outstanding debt. This includes just under $4,000 in credit card debt, burdened by a formidable 25.26% Annual Percentage Rate(APR), and a personal loan nearing $12,000, at a slightly less hostile 8.70% APR. The shift from my family’s domain to my own studio apartment necessitated a total recalibration of my spending and savings protocols.

    Consider this: my previous credit card usage, spanning rent, groceries, utilities, gas, subscriptions, online courses, and various indulgences, led to a critical decision. I elected to holster my credit card. It remains in my wallet – a symbolic presence – yet I’ve disciplined myself not to reach for it. My superior alternative? Cash. It is, undeniably, king.

    I bestow upon cash this regal title for several tactical advantages:

    1. The Visceral Command: cash compels you to experience the “pain of paying” or “tangible loss.” Unlike a digital transaction, paying with physical currency forces you to witness and feel the fruits of your labor depart from your grasp. Your wallet lightens. This act alone forces a ruthless prioritization of your expenditures.
    2. Eradicating Self-deception: cash thwarts the insidious illusion fostered by credit card’s “buy now, pay later” deception. The notion that money is “just numbers on a screen” is precisely how one becomes ensnared in debt’s relentless, revolving clutches.

    A Look Into a Mastermind’s Day: Deploying Cash With Precision:

    When I embark on my weekly supply acquisition – as a singular entity, unburdened by dependents(a crucial distinction for context) – I execute a precise cash withdrawal. I procure between $200-$300 and strategically distribute it among four distinct envelopes:

    1. Guilt-Free Spending: My personal allocation for any desired acquisition (a concept masterfully coined by Ramit Sethi, author of I Will Teach You to be Rich, whose work I actively employ).
    2. Giving: Building a charitable fund, for cultivating my “generosity” muscles.
    3. Blog Fund: A dedicated reserves for my digital empire, offsetting domain costs and securing future compensation.
    4. Necessities: The bulk of my withdrawals are deployed here. Sustenance, fuel, clean attire, and hygiene products are the pillars of daily operations.

    Allow me to illustrate a typical deployment: I allocate $20 to each of my four envelopes for the week, leaving me with $220. My next move is a reconnaissance of my vehicle’s fuel gauge. If my gas tank registers at or below the halfway mark, I immediately set aside $40 for replenishment. Should my fuel reserves be sufficient, that $40 is repurposed for laundry, converting into the necessary quarters for a clean uniform. Following these maneuvers, I am left with $180 for grocery provisions.

    I maintain a meticulous inventory of my apartment’s assets and deficiencies. If food reserves are low for the week, provisioning sustenance becomes the paramount objective. If soap, toothpaste, cleaning agents, or other hygiene products are scarce, these immediately ascend the priority ladder.

    Before each shopping expedition, I activate my phone’s calculator – my digital co-pilot.I precisely estimate the cost of each item I intend to acquire. This provides a crucial pre-tax approximation of my total expenditure, preventing unforeseen overruns. For instance, my recent grocery list, calculated using sticker prices, yielded an estimate of $160.80. With the application of taxes, the finally tally reached $168.38. I maintain a $20 contingency fund because the exact tax burden remains unknown until the final transaction, and I refuse to breach my cash parameters.

    This iterative process, executed with each shopping foray, has sharpened my ability to discern true value from fleeting desire. I can acquire what I deem essential, but I cannot acquire everything. This is a vital distinction, for it reveals that many items merely flirt with the “want” category rather than the need. This self-awareness is not a limitation, but a profound step towards becoming a mindful and intentional architect of your financial dominion.

    In Conclusion: Your Move, Co-conspirator:

    You’ve witnessed the power of conscious transactions, the foundational truth that lies within the simple act of cash. This is merely the first brick in your empire. For those with the ambition to command their financial future, the knowledge within the Stratagem’s Archive is indispensable.

    Decimating debt: Learn the precise tactics I’ve employed to eliminate debt and reclaiming your financial power:Eradicating A Burden: Eliminating Personal Debt to Ascend:

    The question is not if you can build your empire, but if you possess the will. Begin your deeper immersion now. Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below. Let’s begin a productive discussion, and it is time for the Stratagem’s Archives to close. Until opening day, co-conspirators.

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  • Some Days I Don’t Want to Be Here — On Surviving When Everything Else Feels Heavy

    I Don’t Have Any Answers

    Welcome, fellow archivists.

    This isn’t going to be a post full of strategies or 5-step solutions. I don’t have answers. I don’t have any neat, Instagram-worthy fixes for feeling worthless, angry, exhausted, or like a failure.

    All I have is the truth: I’m still here. I show up. That’s it.

    When There’s No Outlet That Works

    Every day, I feel like crying. Or screaming. Or fighting someone. Or curling into a ball and disappearing.

    Most days, I don’t do any of it. I keep it inside. I go to work. I lift boxes. I nod. I breathe through the rage.

    It feels like that, at work, the only time I’ll be acknowledged is: being asked to pick up someone else’s slack, when my mind blanks out and I wasn’t paying attention to what I was doing, or when I make a mistake and that immediately overshadows ALL of the good work I’d done prior.

    Sometimes I don’t even feel angry — I’m just so tired that people assume I’m mad.

    But truth is? I’ve tried the healthy outlets.

    I’ve done the journaling. The walking. The meditating. The deep breathing. The exercising. The learning. The “focus on your goals” grindset.

    I’ve tried cold showers. Better sleep. Better food.

    And it all helps… but it’s not enough. Not when the storm keeps coming back. Not when my mind is so convinced that I’m not worth keeping or being around.

    I Keep Trying Anyway

    I try to channel this torrent of emotions into my projects:

    • Writing D&D prompts I may never run.
    • Trying to code, even though I spent 10 years thinking I wasn’t smart enough.
    • Taking online courses that might help one day.
    • Working two jobs.
    • Keeping myself occupied so I don’t fall into that deep, silent well again.

    But most of the time, I’m not healing. I’m just surviving.

    Mostly I’m surviving. If you want to read more about these slow projects and quiet experiments, I sometimes write about them in Letters from the Void.

    This Pain and Anger Has A Name

    I would often ask myself the same question over and over again;

    What do I have to be angry about?

    That question, that right there, is called “Comparative Guilt.”

    This guilt would trick me, maybe it tricked you too, into thinking that I’m not suffering enough as someone going through real suffering to matter.

    I have so much good in my life:

    • I have caring and supportive family.
    • I’ve been living on my own for a few months.
    • I chose myself over staying in toxic and diminishing friendships.
    • I’ve started my own blog.
    • I’m working 2 jobs to aggressively get out of $15,000 of debt.
    • I’ve been investing in my retirement and my present for 2-3 years now.

    So, what should I be angry, upset, or numb over? I’ve got it so good, someone would want to trade spots with me.

    That’s the guilt trying to tell me that I’m not enough, even though I already struggle with combating feeling like a failure, worthless, and not good enough on the daily. It’s trying to say, “give up, you’re not worth it.”

    But I don’t give up, I’m stubborn like that. I might be a glutton for punishment because feeling angry, upset, or numb might be the only things I can feel these days. For now, that is enough, until I’m able to learn how to smile and feel content or joy again.

    Living Is The Loudest Rebellion I Have

    I’ve started believing that the biggest “f*** you” to a world that seems to want you to disappear… is to not disappear.

    Not to win. Not to thrive. Not to be impressive.

    Just to keep existing, even when it hurts. Even when nothing helps. Even when you don’t want to.

    There’s no power move louder than refusing to vanish — even if you’re dragging yourself through the day.

    If You’re Still Here Too…

    Then maybe you’re like me.

    You don’t have the answers.

    You’re angry and exhausted and worn down.

    But you still show up. Somehow.

    And that counts for something, even if no one sees it. Even if you forget why.

    This post isn’t here to fix you.

    It’s just a reminder:

    If all you did today was survive, that’s still resistance.

    A Note For Fellow Archivists

    If any part of this piece resonates, I’d love to invite you to pause for a moment and reflect on your own journey.

    What part of your story feels messy, uncertain, or unfinished right now? Where are you weary, wondering, or wandering? What small reminder do you need today that you don’t have to fit neatly into anyone’s expectations?

    You don’t have to share your reflections out loud — sometimes it’s enough just to notice them for yourself. But if you’d like, you’re always welcome to write them in the comments, or even send them my way privately. This space is here so that we can remind ourselves and each other: you’re not alone in this.

    If you’ve found something meaningful here, liking, sharing, or subscribing helps fellow wanderers find this little pocket of the internet too. And if you subscribe, you’ll also receive Letters from the Void, my newsletter where I share more quiet reflections, behind-the-scenes projects, and updates before they appear anywhere else.

    However you choose to engage — silently reading, reflecting privately, or joining in the conversation — you’re part of this archive. Thank you for being here.

  • Eradicating A Burden: Eliminating Personal Debt to Ascend:

    The Stratagem’s Impediment:

    Welcome fellow Villainous Co-conspirators, for stumbling into The Stratagem; now, today, I’m going to share a predicament that I, The Stratagem’s creator, am facing right now… this burden hinders all people from all walks of life — heroes, villains, anti-heroes, anti-villains, and civilians alike. It is one of the main foundations for any pursuit. This crippling burden I’m speaking of is called, Personal Debt—a significant amount, and if you think heroes are the only ones to throw a wrench in your plans, you are sadly incorrect.

    Do you have any idea why Personal Debt is a far more devastating force to deal with than any other living and conceptual adversary? Imagine this: you have constructed the perfect plan, a plan so diabolical that it could turn the tides to your favor, and all you need to ensure its construction is possible is money. Every fictional villain tends to steal from banks and incredibly wealthy individuals. If operations, tools, gadgets, and personnel could function on hopes and dreams, or fear and anxiety, what then? No, no, no, money isn’t just a symbol of one’s avarice and greed; it is a tool for fair exchange since gadgets, keeping the Stratagem running, and paying for good help takes money. This is how any business functions.

    We need to make sure that every dollar we owe to Personal Debt returns to us for our own personal use. I personally hate debt, especially debt that hinders the individual’s progress, growth, pursuits, and opportunities. Imagine what it would be like to be free from debt, no longer owing money to financial institutions because of an emergency or surprise expense that you didn’t have cash on hand. You could return to your plans of crafting the life you want to be proud of. In the following paragraphs, I’ll share with you what I’ve been doing to eradicate my personal debt, the resources I’ve been learning and from using, and the progress made since taking on this challenge.

    Have You Acknowledged That Something Is Wrong With This Picture?

    During my journey into financial literacy books, videos, and other resources, the one thing that we need to start with in destroying Personal Debt is to acknowledge it— Acknowledge that there’s a limitation preventing you from achieving your goals and halting your plans. My favorite resource to watch that shows what happens when people ignore their debts, who keep racking up new debt onto existing debt, and thinking it’ll magically sort itself out is from a Netflix show called, “How to Get Rich.” If you’ve ever read the book, “I Will Teach You to be Rich” by Ramit Sethi, or watched his YouTube channel by the same name, he has had guests on this show do just that: ignore their debts.

    I think that ignoring your debts is a horrible tactic and it widens the gap between becoming free from it and remaining its hostage. The best financial resources I’ve come across that’s helped me improve my financial literacy and competency(in no way am I affiliated with these resources) are:

    • I Will Teach You to be Rich: The books, journal, and YouTube channel by Ramit Sethi.
    • The Psychology of Money by Morgan Housel.
    • The Richest Man in Babylon by George S. Clason (audiobook Narrated by Grover Gardner).
    • Alux.com YouTube channel and app.

    I had improved with how I use the money that I earn, saved, and invested from jobs that let me hide among the masses. These had been the best resources I could find that helps people who don’t have a business or are not self-employed make the most of what they have. I am not affiliated with these people, just a fan of their work, which has helped me see with more clarity than before. Now, let’s move on to how I’ve been tackling my Personal Debt of $17,000.

    The Stratagem’s Aggressive Payoff Strategy:

    How I started to tackle my Personal Debt was to write down how much I owed and what each of my debts APR(Annual Percentage Rate) for each debts (which includes interest rates and fees) and displaying them prominently. For myself, I have a white board on my desk, so I wrote the numbers down.

    • Short-term debt: $5,000
    • Medium-term Debt: $12,000

    The first thing that I decided to do was to put a stop to using my short term debt. I had paid off all other balances using a loan. I didn’t want to spread my money too thin again. Putting your physical and other means of accruing debt away to not use will take willpower to not swipe and increase your debt. Instead, I changed to using a cash envelope system.

    If you’re unfamiliar with what the Cash Envelope System is, it’s where you take out cash each month to pay for your necessities, groceries, gas, and fun activities or things you want to buy on a budget. Using this system will give you pause where you would have to ask yourself: 1)what can I get with X amount of dollars in my hand? 2)am I buying X because I need it or because I want it? These are the few questions I ask myself when I go shopping and I withdraw between $200-$300/week to spend. How I separate the money each week, especially more than $200, let’s use $300 as easy math:

    • $200 for groceries.
    • $40 for gas
    • $20 put away for, as Ramit Sethi coined it, “Guilt Free Spending”.
    • $20 put aside for funding this blog.
    • $20 for whatever cause I will financially support once I reach $100-$200 milestone.

    The second thing that I decided to do was to get a part-time job; this was a personal choice because my full-time job had our hours cut and my paycheck shrank as well. I went job hunting for 1 month looking on Indeed and applying on the company’s job board before getting hired at a rage room part-time. The extra money, even though I had to adapt to extra workload, had helped with making sure my bills were paid. I’m not beneath working 2 jobs, though I am fortunate that both jobs were flexible and worked with me, no one should not feel ashamed for making such a decision.

    Having 2 jobs, though draining, had given me the freedom to use an aggressive pay off method called, The Avalanche Debt Payoff Method. What this means is that you are paying more than the minimum payment towards the debt that has the highest APR. When looking at this from a mathematical perspective, tackling the debt with the highest APR also reduces the amount of interest that could be added on to the existing debt.

    Even though my highest debt is $12,000.00, it would not make mathematical sense if I paid this off first. When using the Avalanche Debt Payoff Method, getting rid of the debt that will accumulate interest fastest will free up more money in the long run. By ensuring that I pay the minimum payment towards my other loan, I’ll be shrinking that loan with less penalties. I’ve been saving as much as $1,000.00 to put towards my credit card debt to pay it down faster. The more money you can put towards it, the faster this burden will be gone.

    A Less Aggressive Option is Available

    I chose the Avalanche Debt Payoff Method because I could pay off my debt aggressively. Thanks to working a full-time job and a part-time job, this option is mathematically sound for my situation. However, for those who aren’t able to use the Avalanche Debt Payoff Method, a less aggressive method is available: The Snowball Debt Payoff Method is used to pay off the smallest debt balance off first and work up towards the highest balance.

    For example, if my $17,000.00 debt were spread across 4 different accounts, using this hypothetical debt to explain this payoff method, you would start by paying off the lowest balance. Then you’d move up to the next balance, until you pay off the next balance, and you focus on the last debt.

    From personal experience, using the Avalanche Debt Payoff Method can feel mentally taxing—you’re seeing a lot of money move from your bank account to pay towards your debt and it can feel as though you’re not making a dent. I’ve thought of many scenarios of what I could be doing, instead of paying off my debts. I could be using that money to:

    • Donate to either a food bank, the blood bank, a school that needs school supplies, to a local library, or a farmer’s market.
    • Buy a nice lunch for my family once a month.
    • Repay my parents money I had borrowed from them for an event I chose to attend last minute.

    These are the things I would do once my debts are paid off. Remember that everyone is facing different challenges and has their own goals. These are mine and I will see them fulfilled.

    This payoff method offers a plethora of benefits that its aggressive counterpart would not. The less aggressive method grants:

    • Bursts of dopamine from eliminating small debts and seeing each debt gone.
    • A sense of accomplishment.
    • Provides an increase of strength to keep pushing through their (financial) challenges.

    This method could also help individuals who are:

    • Working one job.
    • Earn under $50,000/annual salary.
    • Taking care of children, elderly or sick family members.

    For anyone who is already overwhelmed by their debt and other responsibilities, this could offer a sense of accomplishment and as though their situation has hope, instead of seeing it as hopeless.

    Plans Need An End Date

    Regardless of the method you choose to use to pay off your debts, you will need to have an end date for when you will become debt free. Why? Because it gives you something tangible to strive for than leaving it up to chance.

    When I didn’t set a deadline to when I wanted to be debt-free, battling debt felt impossible in the beginning. Not having a deadline drops you into the someday category, the same as how New Year’s Resolutions are: I’ll someday get to travel, or I’ll someday get healthier, or I’ll someday get myself out of debt. NO! Someday, without a goal and a when to strive for, is a wish, not a strategy.

    Go ahead and try it; keep paying your debts without a deadline and see how it feels, then set one. Share how much of a mental shift it is once you’ve tried this out yourself.

    Treat your empire the same as eliminating debt—have a concrete date for when you want to start building your empire, instead of letting it become a someday wish. Otherwise, you will likely be at the mercy of life and nothing will change for you because you followed the same strategies you’ve always followed. We’re not simply Dreamers, Fellow Co-conspirators. We are Dreamers who plans, takes responsibility, and executes on our plans. Now, let’s move on.

    What Happens If You Choose Neither Method?

    If you choose neither method to tackle your debt—then the only thing that will happen would be a longer financial sentence. You need to choose which plan works for your situation and act on it, then you have enough sense to not remain debt’s prisoner.

    You are the only one who gets to decide how to live your life, no one else, especially not some institution who cares about taking as much money from you as possible. That is what we’re here for—fighting for our financial freedom and get back to building our empire!

    Charting Your Course to Financial Domination!

    Understanding your enemy and the damages they can inflict on your rising empire is the first step towards victory. We’ve explored how devastating inaction can be and the immense power the strategies like the Avalanche and Snowball methods. Now, the choice is yours fellow co-conspirators.

    No matter the battlefield you are fighting on, the time to act is now. What course of action are you taking and how you feel about the progress you’ve been making? Share in the comments a glimpse of your journey for other co-conspirators to learn and take inspiration from. Thank you for visiting The Stratagem’s Archives, now build your empire!

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