The Stratagem’s Archive

Tag: Starting Over

  • My Return to BJJ—1 Year Later—and Purposely Undergoing a Live Stress Test: A Reflection

    My Hands Were Shaking When I Drove to Class

    It’s been nearly a year since I last stepped on the blue mats of my BJJ academy. According to my training journal, my last class was January 8th, 2025 — my 128th class — before I had to stop due to a back injury and financial constraints from a car accident. Returning on December 7th, 2025, felt like a long time, and I was nervous:

    • It had been nearly a year since I last rolled.

    • There might be people I wouldn’t know.

    • Some classes require students to be at least a 3-stripe white belt for participation. Thankfully, I still qualified as a 3 stripe white belt.

    While driving, my body reacted in unexpected ways: my left calf cramped, I started coughing, and I told myself, “Damn, my body is reacting because it’s nervous. Of all times to be bitching out, it had to be now?”

    After months of routine—work, sleep, errands, video games, and home training—I needed more than the usual grind. BJJ was closer to home now, and it felt like the right time to go back.

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    Why I Needed a Stress Test

    For those unfamiliar, a stress test in martial arts, much like in life, is about safely pushing your body to see how it holds up under live conditions.

    Over the years, I’ve collected injuries and scars from inattentiveness, being caught off guard by others, or even my XXL pit bulls jumping on me. I wanted to know: was my body ready for live sparring again?

    Sparring isn’t the same as wrestling. You have to consider chokes, joint locks, and having someone’s full weight on you while pinning your back to the mat. Anything can go wrong. My goal wasn’t to dominate — it was to measure my physical and mental readiness after a long break.

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    Walking Back Onto the Mats

    I parked, grabbed my keys and water, locked my doors, and approached the gym cautiously, like a baby deer taking its first steps. Looking inside, I exhaled a breath I didn’t know I’d been holding. Familiar faces waved, which calmed my nerves.

    I sought out the professor who owns the academy, but a different instructor was running the class. He recognized me from previous sessions and gave me the green light to spar after the No Gi fundamentals class ended. I sat on the benches, trembling, pressing my hands together, inhaling and exhaling — then holding my breath because I forgot how to breathe.

    Once the class ended, I warmed up with jumping jacks to prime myself. The professor asked if I was okay rolling with a purple belt I knew, and I jumped at the chance.

    I’m not afraid to roll with someone who is bigger, stronger, more experienced, or more skilled than me. I get to learn, practice, and see what I can do, even if they go light to keep both of us safe from sparring.

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    How the Stress Test Went

    Three rounds of six-minute sparring later, I was pleasantly surprised at how well I did. It felt more like I had taken a short break, not a full year off.

    Some mistakes were minor — I forgot the precise way to finish a rear choke — but I adjusted when reminded. I even executed an ankle pick sweep: pulling my partner’s ankles toward me while redirecting his momentum with my legs. It didn’t lead to a full reversal, but I was responding appropriately to pressure.

    My rolling style is defensive and strategic. I trap opponents, force them to waste energy, and conserve my own. I’m not explosive or dominant, but I’m patient, resilient, and precise. The stress test reminded me that physical strength isn’t the only measure of capability; strategy, awareness, and calm under pressure matter just as much.

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    Reflection

    Returning to BJJ after a long break wasn’t just a test of skill — it was a test of confidence, patience, and self-trust. I learned that:

    • Time away doesn’t erase progress.

    • My instincts are still there; my mind still processes challenges.

    • Nervousness is natural, but preparation and mindfulness make it manageable.

    • Strategy and awareness often matter more than raw strength.

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    Questions for You to Reflect On

    1. Have you ever returned to something you loved after a long break? How did it feel physically, mentally, or emotionally?

    2. What kind of “stress test” could you apply to your own life to measure your growth or readiness?

    3. How do you balance nervousness with action in situations that challenge you?

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    Thank You for Spending Time with the Archives

    If you enjoyed reading this reflection, I’d love for you to like, subscribe, or share with someone who might appreciate it.

    You can share your thoughts in the comments below to start a discussion, or you can do so anonymously at the archives email, whatimtryingoutnow@gmail.com.

    Otherwise, if you prefer, you can reflect silently and carry your thoughts forward — either way, thank you for spending time with the archives. Your attention and energy mean a lot.

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    Explore The Stratagems Archives

    If this article piqued your interest, then check out the archives below:

  • Error 404: Last Save Point Not Found—From 60 Consecutive Days Back to 1

    Does Starting Over Have to Suck?

    When I published a few days ago,What If Everything Just Stopped? What’s Next for The Stratagem’s Archives?, I wondered what my next move should be—things were changing, evolving, and the closer I got to completing my personal goals, the more uncertain it felt.

    I hadn’t felt compelled, fueled by that stubborn rage to write, since hitting Day 60 of my publishing streak. After reaching Day 63, my mind quieted, my emotions found a fragile equilibrium.

    Early this morning, I published a new post, expecting to see the Day 64 streak notification on Jetpack’s homepage. I didn’t. I realized that because I had stepped away for one full day, my streak had reset to zero.

    It mattered. Those streaks weren’t arbitrary—they were medals, proof that I showed up, that I pushed through exhaustion, guilt, bitterness, and the darker voices that used to push me toward harming myself. They were proof that I survived one more day of feeling small in a world that often doesn’t care what you do, as long as you keep giving until there’s nothing left.

    As a gamer, the closest analogy I have is this: losing a streak felt worse than discovering a beloved game file was corrupted. Not a “new game” choice, one you pick intentionally.

    A corrupted file is beyond your control—everything you’ve built, collected, and earned is gone, and you’re forced to start over.

    That’s how losing my two-month streak felt. Except I wasn’t starting blind this time. I carried my experience, my knowledge, and my reflections into this new chapter of life. It was terrifying, but also… liberating.

    Starting over didn’t feel explosive or loud. It was quiet, subtle, and unsettling, like flipping to a new chapter in a book without realizing that something inside me had already shifted.

    After losing my streak, I had to pause and ask myself: does starting over have to suck?

    Not just with publishing, but with every aspect of life—The Stratagems Archive, my career, my personal growth, my goals.

    My time away from writing wasn’t about punishment or frustration; it was about listening.

    Listening to the void and the quiet, to understand why silence—after years of relying on rage and compulsion to motivate myself—scares me, yet keeps me grounded.

    I’m learning I don’t have to build myself or my space out of survival anymore. I’ve already proven I can show up for myself. People have invested their time in reading what I create, quietly sitting with it, and that is validation enough.

    I can show up because I choose to, not because I have to.

    Maybe starting over isn’t a punishment at all. Maybe it’s just the next save point I didn’t recognize yet.

    Reflection For You, Fellow Archivists:

    How often do we mistake starting over for failure, when it might just be an opportunity to bring what we’ve learned into a new chapter?

    Call to Action:

    If you’ve ever had to start over—whether in work, relationships, or personal goals—take a moment to reflect on what you’re bringing forward.

    Share your thoughts below, or jot them in a journal.

    Starting over doesn’t erase what you’ve built; it amplifies the wisdom you already carry.

    Other Void Related Reflections:

    Thank You For Making It to the End

    Here are some of the projects I’ve made during my time writing. Below are: 2 manifestos, 1 ebook manifesto, sticker designs, and a hoodie design, you could explore. Thank you for making it to the end of this post. I’ll see you all in the archives later.