Welcome — However You Found Your Way Here
Getting Back Into the Game
It’s been one month since I returned to using my little home gym again, ready to take on the weight of my sandbag and kettlebells instead of the weight of my jobs and internal critic.
My inspiration to get back into training comes from Elden Ring’s main character—the Tarnished—who, despite being a nobody in a land destroyed by war, keeps fighting, getting stronger, and never stops coming back from each defeat.
That’s how I often feel, only without gods, monsters, or the ability to respawn at sites of grace.
Instead, I have my jobs, bills, debt, managing chronic pain, and the constant effort to eat and sleep enough, while carving out time to write and work out.
Because of everything on my plate, I chose to start small: 1–2 days a week using weights and calisthenics, with light stretching on alternate days to manage my lower back pain.
Mondays are my non-negotiable training days since it’s my day off, and I stay flexible about the other days.
I’ve also started experimenting with journaling, meditation, and goal-setting—working on my mental and emotional muscles, too. Because there are real monsters that need constant slaying.
I can’t physically see them, but they live inside me: fear, doubt, regret, the ghosts of who I was versus who I am versus who I could be. These are the real-life versions of poison, scarlet rot, and death blight—infesting my mind, impeding progress, and sometimes killing my will to keep going.
I’m in this gray area of life where I know things could get better—my body, mind, work conditions, finances, and time. But, very much like the Tarnished, I have to grind for every level I can before I lose the runes (progress) I’ve built up, facing the next enemy hiding in plain sight.
And what are those enemies? The pesky maintenance tasks at home: chores, dishes, laundry, car upkeep, making sure my studio is functional. Sometimes, that’s the boss battle—and I’m often the one losing.
For my training regimen, I asked ChatGPT to help design a program inspired by the Tarnished, tailored to what I have in my home gym, my physical limitations, and the number of days I can realistically train. Here’s how it’s been going…
Fighting the Inner Voice: Reframing the Blame
There were days this past month when I didn’t feel strong — not even close. My body didn’t move like it used to. My push-ups felt shaky. My endurance was low. I’d finish a shift exhausted, and even with a small win in training, I could feel those old, brutal voices in the back of my head crawling out again:
- You’ve gotten so weak.
- You’re pathetic.
- You can’t even do your own job without being a burden.
- What are you even doing about this?
That last question used to be a weapon. It didn’t motivate me — it condemned me.
But something shifted this time. I got angry. Not at the world, not at anyone else — but at myself, for letting that blame game play on repeat in my mind like a cursed loop. And so I challenged the question directly.
“What are you doing about this?”
became
“I’m doing something about it.”
That small change — that reframe — felt like casting a temporary buff in the middle of a tough fight. The voices quieted, just a little. Not gone, not defeated, but pushed back. Replaced by something sturdier. Something mine.
I know that mindset boost won’t always be active. But that’s okay. Because just like in any good boss fight, sometimes the win isn’t about landing a massive critical hit — sometimes it’s just about nullifying the status effects long enough to get back to baseline. And honestly? That’s still a win.
More Than Muscle: Why I’m Still Here
This journey back into training isn’t about chasing old numbers or proving anything to anyone else. It’s about building strength that goes deeper than muscle — the kind that lets me face another day at work, another bill, another doubt, another version of myself I’m trying to outgrow.
I’m not training to escape my life; I’m training so I can live it with more control, more awareness, and more refusal to stay broken.
And even if my muscles shake, even if I can’t lift what I used to, I’m still showing up. That’s not weakness. That’s stubbornness. That’s endurance. That’s what makes me stronger than before — because I’m doing all of this not in ideal conditions, but in the middle of everything else I’m carrying.
One month in, and I’m still in the fight.
One month in, and I’ve proven to myself that I am doing something about it.
This is more than muscle. This is me, becoming a real-life Tarnished — on my own terms.
Before You Go…
Maybe you’re in your own version of the Lands Between right now — stuck in the gray areas, rebuilding after burnout, grief, or just plain exhaustion.
Maybe your strength doesn’t look like it used to. Maybe you’re still figuring out what “doing something about it” even means.
Wherever you are in your journey — physically, mentally, emotionally — you’re not alone.
So I’ll ask you this, gently:
What’s your version of strength right now?
What are you doing, even quietly, to keep going?
A Note To Fellow Archivists
An Invitation to You
If any part of this piece resonates, I’d love to invite you to pause for a moment and reflect on your own journey.
- What part of your story feels messy, uncertain, or unfinished right now?
- Where are you weary, wondering, or wandering?
- What small reminder do you need today that you don’t have to fit neatly into anyone’s expectations?
You don’t have to share your reflections out loud — sometimes it’s enough just to notice them for yourself. But if you’d like, you’re always welcome to write them in the comments, or even send them my way privately. This space is here so that we can remind ourselves and each other: you’re not alone in this.
If you’ve found something meaningful here, liking, sharing, or subscribing helps fellow wanderers find this little pocket of the internet too. And if you subscribe, you’ll also receive Letters from the Void, my newsletter where I share more quiet reflections, behind-the-scenes projects, and updates before they appear anywhere else.
However you choose to engage — silently reading, reflecting privately, or joining in the conversation — you’re part of this archive. Thank you for being here.
Other work to check out:
More Than Muscle: What Real Strength Looks Like to Me.
More Than Muscle: My No-Gym, No-Excuse Home Setup
Letters from the Void Newsletter
— The Stratagem’s Archives
