The Stratagem’s Archive

Tag: Personal growth

  • Oh, Ho, Ho, Ho, No! The Christmas Tree From October Came Back: Time For Panic Reflecting and Things I’ve Learned in 2025

    It Was Signaling The Beginning of An Inevitable End

    That Christmas tree I saw at work back in October was a menace. We didn’t get to Halloween or Thanksgiving when it came through on the conveyor belt and, once it was sorted and shipped to wherever it needed to go, it was out of sight and out of mind.

    This was when I talked about having, One Foot in the Grave and a Christmas Tree in My Face. 

    Good times. Good times.

    Now, that damn inflatable Christmas tree returned with a vengeance.

    And it brought friends….

    • Existential dread.
    • Time blindness.
    • Another year is ending.
    • WHERE DID THE TIME GO!?!? Panic mode activated.

    And that was only the beginning of my stomach dropping.

     I started seeing reindeer antlers on cars; Nightmare Before Christmas decorations strung up at people’s houses; Christmas carols blasting in the stores on constant loop from hell; and crowds of people scrambling to do their Christmas shopping. I’ll be at the store picking up broccoli and distilled white vinegar and end up thinking, what the fuck have I been doing in 2025? 

    Though I usually wait until I get home to spiral out of my mind. I don’t need to embarrass myself further in public for not having any “cheer” in my body, much less about dreading the new year drop kicking its way in soon.

    Reflecting Without Spiraling: Anything Worth Patting Myself on the Back For?

    This is a legitimate question—not just for shits and giggles. I personally struggle with accomplishments and recognition, even from personal achievements.

    I NEED to see whether or not my life moved a little away from previous years, else my feedback loop from Hell will scoff and mutter, loser, under its breath.

    So, Fellow Archivists, let’s review what we’ve been doing throughout 2025 together. Silently for you guys, unless you want to share, but publicly for me.

    Let’s Count What Was Different This Year

    Alright, let’s do this bullet point style. The things I’ve accomplished this year that I can say I’m kinda proud of have been:

    • Moving into my own studio.
    • Living on my own for 7 months so far.
    • Got a second job I really like.
    • Built and sustained The Stratagems Archive for 6 months.
    • Made 50 blog cards.
    • Wrote 120+ blog posts.
    • 17 wonderful subscribers—now known Fellow Archivists.
    • The cerebral Fellow Archivists who visit and reflect among themselves.
    • The amazing 44 people who downloaded my experimental PDFs.
    • The incredible 35 people who thought this blog was worth sharing on social media.
    • Wrote 5 Letters from the Void Newsletter articles.
    • Wrote 3 downloadable PDFs.
    • Made 6 stickers.
    • Made 1 personal hoodie.
    • Paid off 1 major credit card debt I carried for 7 months.
    • Got into lock sport/lock picking.
    • Learned to code for 31 days before stopping.
    • Canceled a lot of paid subscriptions I wasn’t using anymore.
    • Gave up friendships that were draining.
    • Slowly re-entering BJJ after nearly 1 year away.
    • Working hard to fund this blog from scratch.

    Yeah, I’m not really sure what else to put down. This list is looking rather long, but I can say that the years prior to 2025, I couldn’t even list 1 thing that felt like I did something that was worth sharing or celebrating. 

    This year’s Christmas reflection has given me a lot of opportunities to say, this year is going to be different, and I actually did something about it.

    Does my list look like I’m coping? Well, yes and no. 

    I’ve been pretty good at making sure my personal obligations have been taken cared of. But does anything I’ve been doing pushing me forward? I haven’t been given enough room to see that yet. 

    It’s not a bad thing, but I’m still in this weird in-between space where I’m not personally drowning, but I’m not completely above water just yet. However, I’ve managed to get a small bubble of air to breathe a little more than I ever gave myself in the last 10+ years.

    Honestly, never in my life would I think anyone would read anything I wrote or try out anything I made and that’s one of the main things that made this year different.

    Not just the blog itself, the late nights and early mornings, the emotional numbness and physical flatness. The fact real people came over quietly and gave this space a chance? Means much more to me than anything I could ever give back for people being here in the void and existing.

    Reflection Questions For You, Fellow Archivists

    Reflection Questions for you Fellow Readers

    • When did you first notice this year felt different—even if you couldn’t explain why at the time?

    • What did you keep doing this year, even when no one was watching or cheering?

    • Which effort of yours feels “small” on paper but took everything you had to sustain?

    • What did you build or maintain quietly, without knowing if it would ever pay off?

    • Where were you mostly coping this year—and where, even briefly, were you moving forward?

    • What didn’t collapse in your life, even though it easily could have?

    • If you made a list like this one, what would surprise you by being longer than expected?

    • What would it mean to acknowledge progress without turning it into pressure for “more”?

    • What part of this year are you still too close to fully appreciate?

    • If next year only asked for continuity—not transformation—what would you want to keep?

    You don’t have to answer every single question, unless you want to, but a lot has happened this year that I didn’t want to cut out a lot of questions just to keep this list short.

    In Conclusion 

    2025 has been an interesting year and it will soon come to a close. I could have written this post closer to Christmas or New Years, but it was worth saying this sooner than later.

    Given that I don’t have a consistent posting schedule, I figured let’s get this out of the way and look into the future for whats next for The Stratagem’s Archive and for myself, The Archivist, of this lovely little corner of the internet.

    I still haven’t gotten my shit together, I still don’t know what I’m doing, I have no idea where my life or my blog is heading, but that’s mostly the point of The Stratagem’s Archives.

    Everyday I have to remind myself what I wrote on the back of my blog card because that is how I see life.

    “Life is an experiment: I’m here for the data and the fallout.”

    How else am I, or any of us, supposed to keep entertained for the following years?

    Thank You Fellow Archivists

    If you made it to the end, I’m really grateful all of you for spending your time here in The Stratagem’s Archives. If you would like to like, subscribe, share, or reflect silently with yourselves, then it would be much appreciated, however you found your way here.

    Until next time, I will see you all in the archives.

    2026, here we go!

    More From The Archives

    Gifts From The Archives

  • My Return to BJJ—1 Year Later—and Purposely Undergoing a Live Stress Test: A Reflection

    My Hands Were Shaking When I Drove to Class

    It’s been nearly a year since I last stepped on the blue mats of my BJJ academy. According to my training journal, my last class was January 8th, 2025 — my 128th class — before I had to stop due to a back injury and financial constraints from a car accident. Returning on December 7th, 2025, felt like a long time, and I was nervous:

    • It had been nearly a year since I last rolled.

    • There might be people I wouldn’t know.

    • Some classes require students to be at least a 3-stripe white belt for participation. Thankfully, I still qualified as a 3 stripe white belt.

    While driving, my body reacted in unexpected ways: my left calf cramped, I started coughing, and I told myself, “Damn, my body is reacting because it’s nervous. Of all times to be bitching out, it had to be now?”

    After months of routine—work, sleep, errands, video games, and home training—I needed more than the usual grind. BJJ was closer to home now, and it felt like the right time to go back.

    ⸻

    Why I Needed a Stress Test

    For those unfamiliar, a stress test in martial arts, much like in life, is about safely pushing your body to see how it holds up under live conditions.

    Over the years, I’ve collected injuries and scars from inattentiveness, being caught off guard by others, or even my XXL pit bulls jumping on me. I wanted to know: was my body ready for live sparring again?

    Sparring isn’t the same as wrestling. You have to consider chokes, joint locks, and having someone’s full weight on you while pinning your back to the mat. Anything can go wrong. My goal wasn’t to dominate — it was to measure my physical and mental readiness after a long break.

    ⸻

    Walking Back Onto the Mats

    I parked, grabbed my keys and water, locked my doors, and approached the gym cautiously, like a baby deer taking its first steps. Looking inside, I exhaled a breath I didn’t know I’d been holding. Familiar faces waved, which calmed my nerves.

    I sought out the professor who owns the academy, but a different instructor was running the class. He recognized me from previous sessions and gave me the green light to spar after the No Gi fundamentals class ended. I sat on the benches, trembling, pressing my hands together, inhaling and exhaling — then holding my breath because I forgot how to breathe.

    Once the class ended, I warmed up with jumping jacks to prime myself. The professor asked if I was okay rolling with a purple belt I knew, and I jumped at the chance.

    I’m not afraid to roll with someone who is bigger, stronger, more experienced, or more skilled than me. I get to learn, practice, and see what I can do, even if they go light to keep both of us safe from sparring.

    ⸻

    How the Stress Test Went

    Three rounds of six-minute sparring later, I was pleasantly surprised at how well I did. It felt more like I had taken a short break, not a full year off.

    Some mistakes were minor — I forgot the precise way to finish a rear choke — but I adjusted when reminded. I even executed an ankle pick sweep: pulling my partner’s ankles toward me while redirecting his momentum with my legs. It didn’t lead to a full reversal, but I was responding appropriately to pressure.

    My rolling style is defensive and strategic. I trap opponents, force them to waste energy, and conserve my own. I’m not explosive or dominant, but I’m patient, resilient, and precise. The stress test reminded me that physical strength isn’t the only measure of capability; strategy, awareness, and calm under pressure matter just as much.

    ⸻

    Reflection

    Returning to BJJ after a long break wasn’t just a test of skill — it was a test of confidence, patience, and self-trust. I learned that:

    • Time away doesn’t erase progress.

    • My instincts are still there; my mind still processes challenges.

    • Nervousness is natural, but preparation and mindfulness make it manageable.

    • Strategy and awareness often matter more than raw strength.

    ⸻

    Questions for You to Reflect On

    1. Have you ever returned to something you loved after a long break? How did it feel physically, mentally, or emotionally?

    2. What kind of “stress test” could you apply to your own life to measure your growth or readiness?

    3. How do you balance nervousness with action in situations that challenge you?

    ⸻

    Thank You for Spending Time with the Archives

    If you enjoyed reading this reflection, I’d love for you to like, subscribe, or share with someone who might appreciate it.

    You can share your thoughts in the comments below to start a discussion, or you can do so anonymously at the archives email, whatimtryingoutnow@gmail.com.

    Otherwise, if you prefer, you can reflect silently and carry your thoughts forward — either way, thank you for spending time with the archives. Your attention and energy mean a lot.

    ————

    Explore The Stratagems Archives

    If this article piqued your interest, then check out the archives below:

  • My Quest to Pre-GMB Certification Bio: Learning to Be Chaotic Life Strong, Not Just Gym Strong

    Author’s Note:

    For the record, GMB stands for Gold Medal Bodies — a movement-based training organization that focuses on building strength, mobility, and control that actually works in real life, not just inside a gym.

    Before I pursue their Level 1 Coach certification (because yes, I’m seriously considering it and want to level up my repertoire), I wanted to document where I’m starting from, what I’ve learned the messy way, and why this path even makes sense for someone like me.

    This is less a résumé and more a field report from the chaos trenches.

    ⸻

    Learning to Be Chaotic Life Strong, Not Athlete Strong

    I’ve had a lot of time to play with different training programs: boxing-inspired circuits, football conditioning, wrestling drills, bro-splits, calisthenics routines, you name it. My logic was simple:

    If I trained like an athlete, maybe I’d become stronger, faster, and harder to mess with — even as a regular person.

    And to be fair, I did get stronger.

    But… then real life slapped me in the face.

    I’d get winded pushing a grocery cart up a slight incline.

    I’d struggle carrying my groceries out of the cart, into the car, out of the car, up the steps, and into the house.

    I’d finish a “monster workout” only to be absolutely useless at my actual job.

    It was embarrassing, despite being the only one who knew this.

    I was young, healthy, training hard…

    And I couldn’t perform basic human tasks without feeling like I was about to collapse.

    What was wrong with me?

    Turns out nothing was “wrong.” I just discovered that the way I was training — and the way most people train — doesn’t transfer well to real life.

    That realization hit me like a medicine ball to the ribs.

    Suddenly, I had a swarm of uncomfortable questions:

    • How does bench-pressing more than my bodyweight help me haul trash bags or move boxes at work?

    • How does eating “clean” 24/7 help me reach my goals if I’m miserable, under-fueled, and ready to bite someone?

    • Why is my “gym strength” not showing up when I actually need it?

    It was distressing. Everything I “knew” about fitness felt flimsy.

    Because what if I wasn’t training for:

    • the NFL

    • the UFC

    • the Olympics

    • the military

    • or any other institution that requires an identity and lifestyle I don’t want?

    What if all I wanted was to be capable, mobile, adaptable, and strong in the weird, unpredictable ways my life expects from me?

    What then?

    That question — what then? — kickstarted five years of experimentation, logging, testing, failing, recovering, and trying again.

    Some days I trained intensely.

    Some days I did active rest.

    Some days I said “fuck this” and didn’t train for weeks.

    All of it went into the log.

    Because all of it was data.

    ⸻

    How Shows Like Physical 100 Broke My Brain (in a Good Way)

    A huge part of why I’m pursuing this style of training came from watching shows like:

    • Physical 100 (Korea)

    • Physical: Asia

    • Siren: Survive the Island

    They exposed how incomplete athletic training can be depending on the demands.

    CrossFitters struggled with grip tasks.

    Bodybuilders gassed out.

    Martial artists couldn’t always apply leverage under unusual constraints.

    People who looked like “monsters” on paper were suddenly ordinary.

    And some people — including a few women — surprised me by pushing back against bigger, stronger opponents.

    It was fascinating.

    It also validated the exact questions I’d been asking myself.

    Because even with all my job demands (heavy lifting, pushing thousands of pounds of product, long hours on my feet) I don’t think I would survive half of Physical 100’s challenges.

    But I want to.

    Not to win.

    Just to see what I’m capable of.

    Just to show up and make it difficult for someone to run me over.

    GMB’s approach — strength + mobility + control + adaptability — clicked perfectly with that goal.

    ⸻

    Why I’m Writing This as a Pre-Certification Bio

    This isn’t a “look how fit I am” intro.

    This is:

    • the starting line

    • the messy context

    • the real-life background that traditional fitness ignores

    • and the mindset behind why I want to be a coach in the first place

    I’m not trying to become an athlete.

    I’m trying to become chaotic life strong — resilient, adaptable, useful, capable in unpredictable environments, and confident in how my body moves through the world.

    And confidently push a grocery cart up the smallest of inclines too.

    GMB feels like the right framework to refine what I already know and fill in the gaps I’ve collected through years of experimenting alone.

    So this is my pre-GMB bio — where I’m coming from, what I’ve realized, and what I’m heading toward next.

    Reflection Questions for Your Own Training Journey

    Before you bounce, take a minute to check in with yourself:

    • Are you training for the life you actually live, or the life you think you should be living?

    • Do your workouts make your real-life tasks easier — or just make you tired on top of tired?

    • Where are you strong on paper but weak in practice?

    • What tasks in your daily or job life expose the gaps in your fitness?

    • What part of you wants to become “chaotic life strong” — and what’s stopping you from exploring it?

    • If you took away aesthetic goals and athlete fantasies, what kind of movement would you genuinely enjoy?

    • What skill, sport, or discipline secretly interests you but you’ve never allowed yourself to try?

    • Are you tracking the things that actually matter to you — or the things you think you’re supposed to measure?

    • What would you want your body to be capable of in the next year, if “looking fit” wasn’t even on the table?

    Answer them out loud, in a journal, or while staring at the ceiling at 2am — whatever fits your chaos.

    ⸻

    Call to Action

    If you vibed with this, learned something, or felt unusually called out in a helpful way, you can:

    • Like this post

    • Share it with someone who trains but hates the gym-robot approach

    • Subscribe to The Stratagems Archive

    • Or honestly?

    Just sit here quietly and soak in the fact that you made it all the way to the end.

    Either way, thanks for spending time in the Archives — it means more than you think.

    Now go train for the life you actually live, not the fantasy highlight reel everyone thinks they need.

    Check out My More Than Muscle Articles

    Other Pages That Might Interest You

  • 2025 is Nearly Over: What 5 Months Did to Me (And For Me)

    Another Year Coming to a Close—Let’s Look Back Before We Look Ahead

    Oh man. I can still feel the awkwardness of trying to force my blog’s identity into a “real life mastermind/villain” aesthetic.

    My fourth article—the infamous “2025 Is Nearly Over: A 6-Month Reflection & Projecting Ahead”—was my attempt to be clever, narrating like a stylish antagonist.

    What can I say? I liked fictional villains:

    Mads Mikkelsen’s Hannibal (peak elegance)

    BBC’s Moriarty (feral chaos gremlin energy)

    Garou from One Punch Man (antihero goals)

    But rereading that post now? It felt like finding an old childhood journal—full-body cringe.

    The same cringe I felt during my gamer/emo phase. (For the record: no piercings, no dyed hair, and my vampire/werewolf fascination was definitely NOT Twilight-related.)

    Here’s the thing: cringe is often just past-you doing the best you could with the tools you had. June-Me really was.

    This continuing reflection? That’s Present-Me building on top of the foundation Past-Me laid down.

    What’s Changed Since This Post?

    Well, for starters, the mastermind/villain writing aesthetic is gone. My writing no longer reads like an edge-lord making edginess their personality.

    I’ve shifted toward chronicling experiences, sharing interesting experiments, mulling “what if” scenarios, and yes—still procrastinating on folding my laundry.

    I changed my handle from Plans2Action to The Stratagem’s Archive, which felt cooler and better suited to reflecting on life while helping readers explore their own experiences as Fellow Archivists.

    And here’s the big difference: I’m not fueled by rage anymore. I’ve felt like an underdog my whole life—no talent, no skill, no charisma, just heart to keep going—but now, I’m not trying to prove anyone wrong. The people I once wanted to impress? I was chasing the wrong audience.

    I’m ugly. Bitter. Wretched.

    But also hopeful, exhausted through sheer willpower most days, and making my way through life with what I have—at a pace that doesn’t burn me out, doesn’t make me hate myself, and allows me to enjoy the frustrating process along the way.

    Things Still Feel Surreal Months Into 2025

    I still can’t believe how much The Stratagem’s Archive grew. It started as a way to get thoughts out of my head before they rotted. Now:

    And all of this is something Past-Me would never believe possible.

    It’s not just the blog that’s grown. I’ve grown too:

    • Renting my own studio
    • Managing my money and building for my future
    • Feeling at home being asexual
    • Navigating friendships with clear boundaries
    • Making my own map of life instead of blindly following someone else’s blueprint

    Younger me would never have imagined this life. And yet, here I am—living life my way, not punishing myself for unconventional choices, and enjoying the messy journey.

    What’s Next, Moving Towards 2026?

    Ain’t that the question we ask every new year? New Year’s resolutions, envy, self-doubt, the constant “am I doing enough?”

    I don’t know what’s next. Maybe I won’t have a corner office. Maybe I won’t run a Spartan race. Maybe I’ll learn Korean just to try something fun. Who knows?

    What I do know: I’ll keep working on The Stratagem’s Archive, posting when I can—not chasing numbers like an addict—living life, writing, training, exploring, and seeing what else life offers.

    Reflective Questions for Fellow Archivists

    Looking back, what part of your past-you makes you cringe but also feel grateful?

    Which accomplishments in the last months are invisible but meaningful to you?

    If the next 5 months were yours to design, without limits, what would you focus on?

    Thank You, Fellow Archivists

    Whether you silently follow, like, comment, or share, thank you for spending your time here. Your presence, curiosity, and engagement—however big or small—are what make this archive worthwhile.

    Here’s to 2026: one reflection, experiment, and late-night thought at a time.

    Check Out The Archives Below:

  • Now Noticing November: Reflections on Urges, Awareness, and Myself

    This November, explore “Now Noticing November”—a mindful, judgment-free take on urges, sexual energy, and self-awareness.

    A personal reflection from a 29-year-old asexual woman offering a fresh perspective beyond No Nut November and No Fap.

    Author’s Note / Friendly Heads-Up:

    Hey! This post comes from my perspective as a 29-year-old asexual woman thinking too deeply about urges, curiosity, and intimacy.

    Nothing graphic here—just honest reflections. Some bits mention masturbation or sexual energy, which might feel a little uncomfortable depending on your own experiences.

    That’s okay. Just a heads-up before you dive in.

    A Different Perspective

    Women’s voices on this stuff are rare online. So if this feels a little different, that’s on purpose. Welcome to my corner of the internet—you don’t have to perform, compare, or apologize for being here.

    We’re all exploring together, each on our own journey. The Stratagems Archive is a safe place to reflect.

    Flipping the Script

    I didn’t plan to write about No Nut November (NNN) or No Fap. Honestly, I thought about it because of a morning when I felt unusually aroused—an intensity that came up without any prompting.

    But instead of following the usual rules or shame-driven narratives, I decided to observe, reflect, and write from my own experience.

    This aligns with how I process boundaries, consent, and trust—like in this post about From Video Game Chaos to Personal Growth: How Huniepop and Thought Experiments Made Me Think Too Hard (And That’s Okay)

    Here, I’m giving NNN/No Fap the middle finger—for being ironically rigid, morally loaded, and often harmful.

    Let’s go.

    My Approach

    This November, I’m paying attention—not to a challenge, not to a goal—but to what’s happening inside me.

    I notice tension in my body, subtle urges in my stomach and legs. My mind doesn’t demand release; it quietly asks, “Are you aware of me?”

    Years ago, I tried the standard challenges. Two months without acting on urges as a young adult.

    Did I become stronger, more productive, or fulfilled? Not really. I just felt guilty when I gave in and frustrated when I didn’t.

    I was still stuck in a dead-end job, carrying debt, and hating life because some “rule” told me what I shouldn’t do.

    Now? I notice. I sit with it. I let the feeling rise, fade, or linger—without judgment or urgency. Sometimes I call these urges “energy.”

    Energy I redirect into reading, journaling, working out, writing, or exploring fictional vignettes of intimacy and trust—safe spaces to explore curiosity without harming myself or anyone else.

    Awareness Over Rules

    The loud online NNN/No Fap narratives are full of instructions, memes, and ego-fueled comparisons. Strip that away, and you find something much more interesting: awareness.

    • Awareness of your body.
    • Awareness of your thoughts.
    • Awareness of your own patterns.

    This awareness doesn’t need to shame you. It doesn’t need to make you better than anyone else. It just makes you better for yourself.

    Reflections for You

    Take a moment to reflect—no pressure, no trends, just noticing:

    • Have you tried NNN or No Fap?
    • How did it make you feel—physically, mentally, emotionally?
    • Did you tie abstinence to productivity or self-improvement?
    • Or did you simply notice what your body and mind were doing?
    • What did you learn about yourself when you gave in, held back, or simply sat with your urges without judgment?

    This November, I’m not participating in No Nut November or No Fap. I’m not abstaining to prove anything or to strangers who I don’t rightly know. I’m simply noticing—my urges, my reflections, my curiosity.

    If you’re a Fellow weary Archivist, tired of being told there’s only one right way to handle your body, mind, or habits, I invite you to pause, reflect, and reclaim that space for yourself. You don’t need to follow the trend, the meme, or the challenge. You can simply notice.

    Sometimes the most radical thing you can do is give yourself permission to pay attention—to your body, your mind, and your own journey—without judgment or competition.

    Share Your Thoughts

    If this post speaks to you, feel free to:

    • Like.
    • Subscribe.
    • Share.
    • Reflect quietly.

    Leave a comment below or message me directly at whatimtryingoutnow@gmail.com. I read everything and will get back to you if you’d like to discuss this further.

    Thank you for spending your time in the archives. I hope you leave noticing something new about yourself today.

  • Letters From the Void #5: ‘Tis the Season of Procrastination — November Edition

    Welcome, Fellow Archivists, to another irregular update from The Stratagem’s Archive. A lot has been happening behind the scenes — not all productive, but enough to share, especially since it ties back to my earlier post, What If Everything Just Stopped? What’s Next for The Stratagem’s Archives?

    I’ve recently taken a few steps back from posting consistently like before. My mind needed a break from the creative burn-out I dug myself into. Thankfully, the compulsion to constantly write and publish has dulled a bit, and I can think with less judgment — a nice feeling, though not the main point of this update.

    Procrastination, Projects, and ChatGPT

    Instead of publishing like a maniac, I’ve been quietly cleaning up The Stratagem’s Archive — making it easier to navigate, compiling all 118 posts into relevant pages, and finishing my ebook.

    I went into this thinking, “I can do this in a dedicated day. It’s going to be easy!”

    Nope.

    Instead, your grade-B dumbass here (emphasis on the B) hit multiple creative speed bumps:

    • Messing around with ChatGPT while contemplating the point of flirting and attraction because my asexual, inexperienced, and socially awkward ass needs explicit communication.
    • Finishing six half-done ebook drafts on Canva and avoiding them like they were cursed.
    • Printing two more sticker designs because, well, they exist now.
    • Printing 50 official blog/business cards to feel “professional.”
    • Staring at my iPad like it owed me rent money.

    The Art of Resting Without Quitting

    Here’s what I’ve realized: procrastination isn’t always the enemy. Sometimes it’s your brain saying, “maybe I don’t need to be in survival mode 24/7.”

    I’ve spent months building, writing, and publishing like my existence depended on it — and maybe it did, in a way. But there’s a difference between living to prove you can and living because you want to.

    So if my projects take longer to finish… if I stare at a blinking cursor longer than I write a sentence… if I talk to ChatGPT instead of publishing a new post — that’s okay.

    I’m still here. Still showing up in my own way. And maybe that’s what growth actually looks like: slow, unglamorous, and perfectly imperfect.

    Reflection for Fellow Archivists

    • When was the last time you let yourself pause without guilt?
    • How do you balance productivity and self-compassion?
    • What small progress can you celebrate this week, even if it feels like nothing?

    Take a moment to sit quietly with these questions, or maybe jot down a few thoughts.

    Closing Note

    If this newsletter made you laugh, sigh, or feel a little less alone in your creative chaos, give it a like, share it with a friend, or just let it linger in your mind for a bit.

    And to everyone who keeps reading, commenting, subscribing, or simply following along quietly — thank you for spending a small piece of your time here, in The Stratagem’s Archive.

    Here’s to all of us learning to rest without quitting, one messy draft at a time.

    Check Out Past Letters Below

    Letters from the Void Newsletter

    A Mini Ebook for Action: Introducing The Stratagem’s Manifesto 2.0

    The Stratagem’s Manifesto 1.5: You’re Not Falling Behind—You’re Growing

    The Stratagem’s Manifesto 1.0–You’re Not Falling Behind—You’re a Work in Progress

  • Looking Towards The Future—Learning How to Live Life Defined My Way

    Welcome — However You Found Your Way Here

    What Am I Supposed to Look Forward to When Life’s Been Sprinting Forever?

    I’ve been noticing how things have been shifting for me. Not just with my blog, The Stratagem’s Archive, but in my life as well.

    I started this blog from a place of rage, spite, and the feeling that life wasn’t worth living anymore — because it seemed like I had nothing of my own.

    My money, time, energy, sleep, hobbies, and interests all felt borrowed, taken, or otherwise out of my control.

    Work, personal obligations, appointments, family get-togethers every week… life kept running while I struggled just to catch my breath.

    Every day felt as though I was Bound by Compulsion: The Hidden Cost of Rituals We Can’t Escape, and I could feel myself seemingly losing what control I did have left.

    I kept asking myself, Is this it? Is this what life’s supposed to feel like — running until there’s nothing left?

    If that’s all life had to offer, then holy shit… that really sucks.

    Every day was exhausting, infuriating, and lonely. I tried so hard not to give in to my anger and despair — to keep surviving — because, somewhere, I had to draw the line in the sand. I didn’t want to die.

    I just wanted the weight of feeling like a failure, like I was perpetually behind, to lift.

    And now, four months into building The Stratagem’s Archive, after over 115 posts reflecting, collecting, and articulating thoughts and emotions I had tried to silence until they imploded on me, I find myself… wanting to live.

    But here’s the kicker — how do I start actually living?

    I Started Learning to Live From a Personal Finance Book—Of All Places!

    In a twist I didn’t see coming, the guidance I needed didn’t come from therapy or self-help blogs — it came from a personal finance book: I Will Teach You to Be Rich: Journal.

    This is what the book looks like if anyone wants to get their own physical copy.

    I’ve shared how I’m tackling my personal debt using the IWT method in my earlier post, Eradicating A Burden: Eliminating Personal Debt to Ascend:.

    This is the book I bought in 2019 and FINALLY read in 2023. 2023 was the year I got my financial shit together.

    [Note: I Am NOT AN AFFILIATE—I Found These Books Helpful, and Hope It Helps Someone Else Too.]

    I made some financial choices to use my credit cards and take out a few personal loans to help my parents out. But I don’t regret helping them. I regret not having the money on hand to avoid the debts entirely, but here I am.

    Anyways, when my Ma told me about the new journal version, I bought two. Its prompts helped me start answering the questions I hadn’t allowed myself to ask: What do I want? How do I want to live my life?

    Even though I’m still paying down my debts — my high-APR credit card will be gone in the next two months, and my personal loan in twelve — the journal allowe me to briefly imagine what life could be like once the shackles are gone.

    What Does Living Outside of Crippling Debt Look Like?

    The beauty of the journal is that it doesn’t give answers — it asks questions.

    For example: “What would you do if you came into $100? $1,000?”

    My mind immediately wandered to freedom: $100 to treat my family to a nice meal, $1,000 divided between debt repayment, emergency funds, family treats, small indulgences for myself, and a little extra to share.

    Money is a tool. It allows me to live independently, feed myself, take my parents or grandma out to breakfast, and rest with the quiet knowledge that my choices are securing my present and future. It offers brief glimpses of what life could look like outside of mere survival.

    Living Life One Inch at a Time

    And that’s the lesson I’m taking from all of this: living doesn’t start with a huge dramatic moment. It starts with creating small acts of breathing room.

    I get to say, “I can take care of myself.”

    I get to choose, “I get to rest.”

    I get to finally accept, “I get to make choices that feel right for me.”

    I’m not fully out of the tunnel. I still wake up tired. I still get frustrated at work and dread my Mondays. I still drag pieces of my old, broke, anxious self with me some days.

    But now I’m asking different questions:

    • What if life isn’t supposed to feel like a sprint?
    • What if I can slow down and still move forward?
    • What if living starts before the finish line — not after it?

    I don’t have all the answers. I don’t need them all at once. Right now, it’s enough to know that life doesn’t feel like everything’s going to collapse anymore. It feels like possibility — small, stubborn, quiet possibility.

    Reflection Questions for You

    Here, let’s reflect quietly together, even if it’s just you and your screen. Tell me, yourself, write it down, or let your imagination wander without shoving it back down like you’ve committed a crime.

    • What would it feel like to live life on your own terms, even in small ways?
    • Where in your life could you carve out breathing room today?
    • If survival were taken care of, what would you do with your time, energy, and resources?

    A Gentle Call to Action

    If you’ve spent time here — reading, reflecting, pausing with me — thank you. Truly. Thank you for giving a moment of your life to The Stratagem’s Archive.

    If this piece resonated, consider liking, sharing, or subscribing so other fellow wandering, weary, or wondering archivists can find it too.

    Or simply sit quietly with it, reflect, and carry your own thoughts forward.

    If you want to share them, the comments are open, or you can reach out anonymously via email, whatimtryingoutnow@gmail.com.

    There’s no obligation — just space to leave a trace of your own journey.

    Life doesn’t start when the sprint ends.

    It starts the moment we allow ourselves to imagine something better, inch by inch.

    Explore The Archives

    What You’ll Find If You Become a Fellow Archivist

  • Error 404: Last Save Point Not Found—From 60 Consecutive Days Back to 1

    Does Starting Over Have to Suck?

    When I published a few days ago,What If Everything Just Stopped? What’s Next for The Stratagem’s Archives?, I wondered what my next move should be—things were changing, evolving, and the closer I got to completing my personal goals, the more uncertain it felt.

    I hadn’t felt compelled, fueled by that stubborn rage to write, since hitting Day 60 of my publishing streak. After reaching Day 63, my mind quieted, my emotions found a fragile equilibrium.

    Early this morning, I published a new post, expecting to see the Day 64 streak notification on Jetpack’s homepage. I didn’t. I realized that because I had stepped away for one full day, my streak had reset to zero.

    It mattered. Those streaks weren’t arbitrary—they were medals, proof that I showed up, that I pushed through exhaustion, guilt, bitterness, and the darker voices that used to push me toward harming myself. They were proof that I survived one more day of feeling small in a world that often doesn’t care what you do, as long as you keep giving until there’s nothing left.

    As a gamer, the closest analogy I have is this: losing a streak felt worse than discovering a beloved game file was corrupted. Not a “new game” choice, one you pick intentionally.

    A corrupted file is beyond your control—everything you’ve built, collected, and earned is gone, and you’re forced to start over.

    That’s how losing my two-month streak felt. Except I wasn’t starting blind this time. I carried my experience, my knowledge, and my reflections into this new chapter of life. It was terrifying, but also… liberating.

    Starting over didn’t feel explosive or loud. It was quiet, subtle, and unsettling, like flipping to a new chapter in a book without realizing that something inside me had already shifted.

    After losing my streak, I had to pause and ask myself: does starting over have to suck?

    Not just with publishing, but with every aspect of life—The Stratagems Archive, my career, my personal growth, my goals.

    My time away from writing wasn’t about punishment or frustration; it was about listening.

    Listening to the void and the quiet, to understand why silence—after years of relying on rage and compulsion to motivate myself—scares me, yet keeps me grounded.

    I’m learning I don’t have to build myself or my space out of survival anymore. I’ve already proven I can show up for myself. People have invested their time in reading what I create, quietly sitting with it, and that is validation enough.

    I can show up because I choose to, not because I have to.

    Maybe starting over isn’t a punishment at all. Maybe it’s just the next save point I didn’t recognize yet.

    Reflection For You, Fellow Archivists:

    How often do we mistake starting over for failure, when it might just be an opportunity to bring what we’ve learned into a new chapter?

    Call to Action:

    If you’ve ever had to start over—whether in work, relationships, or personal goals—take a moment to reflect on what you’re bringing forward.

    Share your thoughts below, or jot them in a journal.

    Starting over doesn’t erase what you’ve built; it amplifies the wisdom you already carry.

    Other Void Related Reflections:

    Thank You For Making It to the End

    Here are some of the projects I’ve made during my time writing. Below are: 2 manifestos, 1 ebook manifesto, sticker designs, and a hoodie design, you could explore. Thank you for making it to the end of this post. I’ll see you all in the archives later.

  • Fighting on Your Own Terms: Debt, Defiance, and Building a Life That’s Mine

    Three months ago, I was in significant amounts of debt, wandering through jobs I didn’t like belong in, and trying to resist life’s pre-existing scripts. Today, I’m down by thousands and building a foundation for the life I actually want. Here’s the updates so far.

    Ainsi Bas Ma Vie: That’s How My Life Goes

    Three months ago, I wrote about the mountain of debt I accumulated before and after I started living on my own — over a huge deal worth of debt— and how it threatened to define my life before I even truly had a chance to shape it.

    Since then, I’ve chipped away at it, one payment, one decision, one stubborn move at a time. Today, the number is still daunting.

    It’s not gone. It’s still heavy. But it’s shrinking, and with every dollar, I reclaim a little more agency over my life.

    I’m terrified of debt because of how much it stops me from doing and experiencing things I want to do and try out.

    I never liked how all of my attention has to go to debt, it’s super draining, but at least I can see the near end of the pothole filled road I drove onto myself because of the choices I made over time. Though I’m slowly getting closer to smoother pavement. Just a little closer now.

    Choosing a Path That Feels Like Me

    Speaking of choices, growing up, I was told what my life “should” look like. Work in hotels — the backbone of our local economy. Join the family’s construction business. Learn Japanese. Take the safe route. Follow the script.

    I tried none of it. The roles didn’t fit me. I didn’t like crowds, didn’t thrive in certain structures, didn’t want my last name to carry me into someone else’s office. I wanted to forge my own path, even if I had no map.

    So I wandered through jobs and higher education—with how long I was in-and-out of school, I could have gotten my Master’s degree in something. Instead, I’m a University and community college “drop out.”

    I think I’ve written about how I don’t have a degree. Surprisingly, I have a Liberal Arts degree, but, to my knowledge, this degree hasn’t really helped anyone out.

    Plus, I don’t have the diploma framed, I don’t have it at all, so I don’t have that fancy paper saying I did go through higher education. Either way, to me, a Liberals Degree is useless, or I haven’t figured out how to frame this degree as useful, helpful, and to other people’s benefit. Oh, well.

    Anyways, the jobs I took were often in roles that others might dismiss, or outright scoff at: customer service, grocery work, fresh food — jobs without fancy titles or corner offices.

    Guess what? This is true to some extent, but this was my fault for barring myself from opportunities I could have taken when I didn’t bother looking for and applying to scholarships or internships to stick it out.

    The “Should have, could have, would have’s” of the world at play people, let’s hear it.

    These jobs weren’t glamorous, but they were mine. I was building a foundation with the tools I had, no matter how much I hated them and myself for working there.

    Rage, Rebellion, and Sanity

    Some of those jobs taught me one thing clearly: never put my sanity on the line for someone else’s frustration. People will take their anger out on the easy target — and I learned quickly I didn’t want to be that target.

    My current work — a warehouse job and a rage room gig — are dualities of that script.

    Work at the warehouse gives me so much energy to want to destroy things and want to break people, so much people piss me off, but I need to keep my cool here.

    In customer service at the rage room, people vent, but not on me. They break objects, not spirits. I get paid, they get release, and I keep my energy for building my future. It’s still work, but it’s aligned with my boundaries and my life philosophy.

    One Step, One Victory at a Time

    Like the protagonist in Indila’s Ainsi Bas La Vida, I’ve resisted a world that wanted to define me. Instead of picking someone to love who isn’t socially acceptable, I’ve walked a path that was messy, even if it’s slower, less glamorous, and full of obstacles.

    And, like Indila’s story in Ainsi Bas La Vida, there’s always risk, judgment, and uncertainty — but also the thrill of making choices that are truly mine.

    Every payment toward debt, every post, sticker, hoodie, manifesto, and careful decision is a brick in the foundation of the life I’m building. One that I own. One that I’ve fought for.

    The debt still exists, but it’s become manageable. Not gone. But every number represents resilience, agency, and the refusal to fade quietly because of someone else’s expectations.

    I don’t know when the journey will end, or if I’ll ever feel fully “done” with it. But I do know this: I’m choosing my fights, protecting my mind, and constructing a life that’s mine — piece by piece, step by step.

    Reflection

    If anything here resonates, I want you to take a moment and honor your own fight.

    Maybe you’re battling debt, following a path others don’t understand, or just trying to carve space for yourself in a world that wants to keep you small.

    Every little victory matters. Every decision that aligns with your values is a rebellion worth celebrating.

    If my words connect with you, consider liking, subscribing, or sharing this post. Every share helps others who feel stuck, unheard, or underestimated find this little corner of the internet — a space to remember that it’s okay to rage against the world’s expectations while building the life you truly want.

    Keep raging. Keep building. Keep shining.

    Building One Brick at a Time

  • What If Everything Just Stopped? What’s Next for The Stratagem’s Archives?

    What Direction Will This Go?

    That’s been the question — one of many — I’ve been wrestling with since publishing The Void Feels Like It’s Closing In. It’s only been a full 24 hours since that post, but when your mind never rests, it can feel like days of circling the same thoughts.

    Lately, I’ve felt frustrated. Not because I’m unhappy with The Stratagem’s Archive or what I’ve built here — far from it. I’ve written every day, fought for every minute I could spare, and turned stubborn rage into creation. But now, the spark that once drove me feels dim.

    The words still come, but they don’t echo anymore.

    It’s not a lack of ideas. I have more than enough of those. It’s that I don’t feel excited to write them. I’ve been walking the same path, and the scenery hasn’t changed. I don’t like the current trajectory. I don’t like how it feels to move without wonder.

    In The Void Feels Like It’s Closing In, I wrote about shining light into emptiness — shouting into the void and getting nothing back. That feeling hasn’t gone away. The progress has slowed, the spark has dulled, and I’ve begun to wonder:

    What if I stopped shouting? What if I just listened instead?

    Maybe that’s what I need. Not more words.

    But silence sturdy enough to hold the ones I’ll write next.

    I don’t know how long I’ll step away, or what form The Stratagem’s Archive will take when I return. But I know this much: what got me this far can’t take me further. And that’s okay. Growth often begins where repetition ends.

    This isn’t the end. It’s a pause — a necessary one.

    To everyone who has read, shared, subscribed, or quietly returned to read again: thank you. Every click, every like, every minute you’ve given me has meant more than you know. I didn’t think anyone would ever find this little corner of mine, but I’m glad to have been proven wrong.

    While I won’t be posting for a while, I’ll still be around the archives — cleaning, updating, and letting the silence settle in for once. Maybe in that quiet, I’ll finally hear what comes next.

    Until then, I’ll see you all in the archives later.

    Reflection Question for Readers

    When was the last time you stopped creating, chasing, or producing — and simply listened to what silence was trying to tell you?

    Call to Action

    If you’ve been following The Stratagem’s Archive, consider liking, sharing, subscribing, sitting quietly, or revisiting your favorite posts while I’m away.

    Leave a comment about what post resonated most with you — your reflections help me see what the void is saying back.

    Thank You For Reaching the End

    Revisit Prior Posts Below