The Stratagem’s Archive

Tag: lifestyle

  • My Life Doesn’t Look Impressive — But It’s Mine (Seedling)

    I Thought I Was Behind — Something Else Was Calling Out to Me.

    I thought I was having a quarter-life crisis at 28.

    It hit me like a booming panic that grew louder each day: this feeling that I wasn’t doing enough, hadn’t achieved enough, wasn’t becoming enough.

    I kept looking at what I thought I was supposed to have by now — by society’s standards, by other people’s timelines, by the noise in my own head.

    But the more I sat with it, the more I realized…

    I wasn’t falling apart.

    I was just going against everything I was taught to measure myself by:

    • I’m not married or have a partner.
    • I don’t have a degree.
    • I work 2 jobs and sleep in the backseat of my car five days a week — by choice, not because I’m homeless, but because parking at my full time job is horrendous, and I can’t afford to waste time or money.
    • I sleep by 9pm or 11pm and wake up at 2am, I drive to my warehouse job, park, learn to code on my phone in the dark, and sleep another hour or two before my shift starts. I try to rest, but my mind runs rampant, my back seizes in pain, and my stomach hurts from running on snacks instead of food.
    • I make $23/hour — decent by some standards — I get paid weekly, and I have a plan to utilize every paycheck. At my full-time job, I contribute 10% of my income to a 401k, with an 8% company match. I’ve grown that account to over $40,000 in three years — without a degree, without help, without shortcuts.
    • My part-time job at a rage room pays $16/hour and every 2 weeks. I save 15% from that paycheck and put it into a rainy day fund, just in case.
    • I’ve been investing $50 a week into my Roth IRA for two years. It’s now over $8,400.
    • I’ve rebuilt my emergency fund to over $1,500 by saving $50 a week into a high-yield savings account.
    • I’m still paying off $15,000 in personal debt and I’ll have this done by June-August of 2026.
    • I can cook. I can clean. I know what my priorities are, and I can take care of myself because I’m worth taking care of deep down, even if I don’t believe it.

    This might not look impressive to most people. Maybe all of what I shared doesn’t look impressive to you either.

    But it’s real. It’s earned. And it’s mine.

    I Chose To Do Something Then Settle Again

    I don’t have all of the answers, I don’t know what I’m doing, but I chose to take action despite my fear and agonizing over whether I’m crazy, too much, or just accept what I’ve been given.

    I walked away from a 10-year friendship that made me feel small, I stopped chasing people that wasn’t aligned with who I am or made me feel unwanted, even after sharing what was on my mind — I’m single, I’m asexual, and I don’t need to fill a void with a warm body and more empty promises.

    Or worse, being kept around so that other people can feel good about themselves, instead of wanting me around because they enjoy my company.

    I’ve traveled with family — to different states and even internationally. I’ve seen Seoul, Sapporo, Otaru, and Hokkaido. I’ve stood in places I used to only dream about. And still, I carry this feeling like I’m falling behind.

    Because the world doesn’t clap for quiet work.

    It doesn’t validate survival.

    It only notices “success” when it fits a clean narrative:

    • If you have a successful multi-million dollar business.
    • If you own a lot of real estate or assets.
    • If you have a lot of connections or opportunities.
    • If you’re already “gotten everything figured out.”

    Things that I don’t have right now, but know that it could be another thing to work towards.

    How I Am During These Moments

    I’m tired most days.

    I’m angry more often than I’d like.

    I don’t eat full meals because there isn’t time.

    I don’t get enough restful or restorative sleep.

    I can be rude, spiteful, and rigid. I don’t feel joy at my full time job, and I’m feeling myself slowly retreating internally at my part time job. I don’t feel much of anything, most days.

    But I’m still here.

    I’m still drafting, writing, and sharing.

    Still building something, even if no one sees it yet.

    The truth is:

    I’m not afraid of getting older.

    I’m afraid of running out of time with nothing to show for my life.

    I’m Afraid of Wasting My Potential — So I Learn Everything I Can, While I Can.

    But when I slow down — like really slow down — and take stock, I can see that I do have something to show:

    1)A life I’m building on my own terms.

    2)Boundaries I fought to set after betrayal and painful erosion of my trust.

    3)I started a blog that holds my thoughts like a personal archive.

    4) My mind that won’t stop learning, even in the dark. 5)My body that kept showing up, even when it’s exhausted.

    6)And I have a sense of self that didn’t come from a partner, a paycheck, or external praise.

    It’s not glamorous.

    It’s not perfect.

    But it’s mine.

    And for now, that’s enough.

    You’ve Reached The End

    If you made it this far, I’d like to say, “thank you.” You stayed until the end and that means a lot to me.

    If you’d like to learn more about what I write about, then you can check out my home and about page below.

    About The Stratagem’s Archive and The Person Behind The Screen:

    The Stratagem’s Archive: You Begin Here:

    For those who’ve been reading silently and resonating with my work, I have a free PDF you can look over just because.

    No spam, no agenda, just sharing something I made, from me to you, as a thank you.

    Thank You + Free Download

    Other than that, I’d like to invite everyone reading a moment of space and quiet reflection:

    • Do you have moments where you feel like you’re not enough?
    • Ever had to fight the thoughts in your head that’s convinced that you’re behind?

    If you feel safe to share here, I’d love to know what’s on your mind in the comments below, or even a hey is cool if you feel up for it.

    Otherwise, I’ll see you all later in the archives. Until next time.

    Do You Ever Feel Like You’re Writing Into A Void?

    Some Days I Don’t Want to Be Here — But Staying is My F#ck You to the System

  • What Do I Love About Where I Live?

    What do you love about where you live?

    “A Mastermind’s always thinking!”

    What Makes My Home Special?

    Where I live is the only place I’ve ever known; I’ve lived alongside the ocean all of my life and besides the mountains, so you could say I live directly between the sea and the mountains. I’ve lived in the “country”, though it’s not purely country like the mainland, but it is for us because it’s far out of the way of any tourist attractions.

    It’s also considered “ghetto” and, people outside of the state need to understand that “paradise” has its own share of troubles, has a lot of issues. I remember, before moving out, that our neighbors were climbing their fences one night and called my dad. My parents and I went out looking towards the neighbor behind us’s property and our next door neighbor said he saw 2 kids climbing on the roofs of people’s garages to get into everyone else’s yards.

    We’ve had issues with the surrounding distant neighbors, but kids sneaking in the dead of night and trespassing into other people’s properties? That was a new and terrifying development.

    We’ve had fires, water mains breaking, rolling power outages, cops and fire fighters and EMTs showing up at random times throughout the day and night that it was normal.

    My city literally only has one way going in and one way going out, there’s no other way to get to it unlike the other cities that are connected by the highways, freeways, and backroads. So, getting home would take between 2-3 hours before, maybe longer, because of traffic and the long traffic lights. Though that was before I moved to a different city, but it was home.

    Renting in a different city is different because I don’t have the luxury of my own space as before. Don’t get me wrong, I’m renting a studio and I have the place to myself, but having neighbors just less than a feet away from my door is stressful.

    I could play with my dogs, let them run around in the yard without much problems, I could eat as much ice cream or chocolate shakes if we had because my city has a dry heat to it. Even with a nice breeze, it would carry heat instead of cooling us down, though privacy was ensured from people we didn’t like.

    Our neighbors were good, we’d help each other out, I’d pick mangoes from our tree when they bloomed and make sure to share. Our neighbor’s wife would offer us mango bread in turn, she’s good friends with my grandma, and it was nice. We didn’t expect anything, though it became a ritual.

    I’ve visited a decent amount of places over the years in my lifetime:

    • California
    • Texas
    • Texarkana
    • Las Vegas
    • Colorado
    • South Korea
    • Japan

    Even though a lot of places were nicer than where I lived, it never felt like a place that I could call home. Everywhere else, though this isn’t to say it’s true, felt disconnected. It didn’t feel like a place I could call or make it a home because I’ve never stayed long enough to explore that possibility.

    I do miss living near the ocean and smelling the salt being carried on the breeze, seeing the white haze on an early morning drive because the water churned up so much salt, and getting a nice view of the night sky because there isn’t as much light pollution.

    I miss my family as well, I do what I can to visit and keep in touch, but when I was presented with an opportunity to experience independent living, I took it. They won’t be around forever, so learning what it’ll be like without them will be a lot, it is a lot to think about, so I better do what I can and appreciate and irritate them while I can.

  • Canines Over Felines

    Dogs or cats?

    I’ve preferred dogs over cats, even though I like them too, having dogs around meant security: literally and physically. The area I grew up in is considered “ghetto” by our standards and where I lived is usually where a lot of activities tended to be.

    Cops, ambulances, and fire fighters would always show up for something. Not at our property, but rather the properties across from us. It could be in the dead of night and you’d see their colors flashing through the curtains. Having dogs around allowed us to be alerted when someone came near our flimsy fence, whether walking by, walking their pets, stray dogs causing trouble, or people were possibly up to no good. It was better safe than sorry.

    Even with security cameras installed outside, I had furry companions to keep me and my family company. My parents, my dad’s older brother, and I lived with my grandma in a 3 generation home. Even though I moved out to experience what living on my own was like, rather out of necessity, I hate myself for leaving because my grandma is over 80. She’s sound of mind and mobile, but my dogs: an older adopted female red nose pit bull mix and one female and one male, both runts of their respective litters, XXL pure blue nose pit bulls, keep her company and watch the property.

    Dogs always gave nothing but love: they want to play with you, cause trouble, protect you, even when they rely on us, they have no ulterior motives. Even when my dad and I adopted my old lady dog from the humane society years ago, she used to be a stray and was wild. She would scratch and bite me, but I didn’t care, she was scared.

    Even when we brought her home to our other adopted female red nose pit bull mix, they constantly fought until we saw blood. I didn’t want to take her back because Bianca, my old lady’s name, would have been put down, even though she was very difficult to handle. It took her time to get adjusted, then she calmed down, and she would take care of our other dog, Minnie, as she got older in age.

    Bianca still waits by the front yard for Minnie because my parents took her to the vet to be put down because she suffered a stroke: couldn’t eat or drink without help, she couldn’t move her lower body nor sit up, and it was a very difficult decision for us to make. She was suffering and Bianca saw us put Minnie in the truck, I stayed behind because I couldn’t watch her go like that, as Bianca tried to break through the fence to follow.

    So, when I come home, even before moving out, Bianca waits by the fence, she’ll sleep there or in front of our house door, all of our dogs become outside dogs after a certain age, until we all come home. She takes care of our newer dogs; our girl blue nose, Ka’ena, is much bigger than Bianca, but, once Bianca growls or puts her paw on Ka’ena’s head, she immediately listens, then goes into zooming mode. Bianca isn’t young anymore, but she keeps the younger dogs in line.

    The boy, Kainalu, gives Bianca trouble. We don’t know why these two fight if we let them out together to play, but they would growl at each other and they have attacked each other a few times where blood was drawn. However, when I saw them out together when I let Kainalu out to use the bathroom and to play while I washed my car, Bianca pushed her way out of her kennel and the two were egging each other on.

    I had to put Kainalu back in his house because he doesn’t know how to pop the lock or can push through his gate, yet, like Bianca. Bianca has more freedoms than the other dogs because she’s older and manages herself better than they do.

    All of our dogs are knuckleheads, but they’re our knuckleheads, and I love them very much. I feel less lonely with them, even with family, and they tell you what they want by going in their house for food and water, they sit or wander by us for attention, and they play to get energy out to sleep. People are different and tough to read, but dogs are more honest and trustworthy.