Welcome — However You Found Your Way Here
What Am I Supposed to Look Forward to When Life’s Been Sprinting Forever?
I’ve been noticing how things have been shifting for me. Not just with my blog, The Stratagem’s Archive, but in my life as well.
I started this blog from a place of rage, spite, and the feeling that life wasn’t worth living anymore — because it seemed like I had nothing of my own.
My money, time, energy, sleep, hobbies, and interests all felt borrowed, taken, or otherwise out of my control.
Work, personal obligations, appointments, family get-togethers every week… life kept running while I struggled just to catch my breath.
Every day felt as though I was Bound by Compulsion: The Hidden Cost of Rituals We Can’t Escape, and I could feel myself seemingly losing what control I did have left.
I kept asking myself, Is this it? Is this what life’s supposed to feel like — running until there’s nothing left?
If that’s all life had to offer, then holy shit… that really sucks.
Every day was exhausting, infuriating, and lonely. I tried so hard not to give in to my anger and despair — to keep surviving — because, somewhere, I had to draw the line in the sand. I didn’t want to die.
I just wanted the weight of feeling like a failure, like I was perpetually behind, to lift.
And now, four months into building The Stratagem’s Archive, after over 115 posts reflecting, collecting, and articulating thoughts and emotions I had tried to silence until they imploded on me, I find myself… wanting to live.
But here’s the kicker — how do I start actually living?
I Started Learning to Live From a Personal Finance Book—Of All Places!
In a twist I didn’t see coming, the guidance I needed didn’t come from therapy or self-help blogs — it came from a personal finance book: I Will Teach You to Be Rich: Journal.
I’ve shared how I’m tackling my personal debt using the IWT method in my earlier post, Eradicating A Burden: Eliminating Personal Debt to Ascend:.
[Note: I Am NOT AN AFFILIATE—I Found These Books Helpful, and Hope It Helps Someone Else Too.]
I made some financial choices to use my credit cards and take out a few personal loans to help my parents out. But I don’t regret helping them. I regret not having the money on hand to avoid the debts entirely, but here I am.
Anyways, when my Ma told me about the new journal version, I bought two. Its prompts helped me start answering the questions I hadn’t allowed myself to ask: What do I want? How do I want to live my life?
Even though I’m still paying down my debts — my high-APR credit card will be gone in the next two months, and my personal loan in twelve — the journal allowe me to briefly imagine what life could be like once the shackles are gone.
What Does Living Outside of Crippling Debt Look Like?
The beauty of the journal is that it doesn’t give answers — it asks questions.
For example: “What would you do if you came into $100? $1,000?”
My mind immediately wandered to freedom: $100 to treat my family to a nice meal, $1,000 divided between debt repayment, emergency funds, family treats, small indulgences for myself, and a little extra to share.
Money is a tool. It allows me to live independently, feed myself, take my parents or grandma out to breakfast, and rest with the quiet knowledge that my choices are securing my present and future. It offers brief glimpses of what life could look like outside of mere survival.
Living Life One Inch at a Time
And that’s the lesson I’m taking from all of this: living doesn’t start with a huge dramatic moment. It starts with creating small acts of breathing room.
I get to say, “I can take care of myself.”
I get to choose, “I get to rest.”
I get to finally accept, “I get to make choices that feel right for me.”
I’m not fully out of the tunnel. I still wake up tired. I still get frustrated at work and dread my Mondays. I still drag pieces of my old, broke, anxious self with me some days.
But now I’m asking different questions:
- What if life isn’t supposed to feel like a sprint?
- What if I can slow down and still move forward?
- What if living starts before the finish line — not after it?
I don’t have all the answers. I don’t need them all at once. Right now, it’s enough to know that life doesn’t feel like everything’s going to collapse anymore. It feels like possibility — small, stubborn, quiet possibility.
Reflection Questions for You
Here, let’s reflect quietly together, even if it’s just you and your screen. Tell me, yourself, write it down, or let your imagination wander without shoving it back down like you’ve committed a crime.
- What would it feel like to live life on your own terms, even in small ways?
- Where in your life could you carve out breathing room today?
- If survival were taken care of, what would you do with your time, energy, and resources?
A Gentle Call to Action
If you’ve spent time here — reading, reflecting, pausing with me — thank you. Truly. Thank you for giving a moment of your life to The Stratagem’s Archive.
If this piece resonated, consider liking, sharing, or subscribing so other fellow wandering, weary, or wondering archivists can find it too.
Or simply sit quietly with it, reflect, and carry your own thoughts forward.
If you want to share them, the comments are open, or you can reach out anonymously via email, whatimtryingoutnow@gmail.com.
There’s no obligation — just space to leave a trace of your own journey.
Life doesn’t start when the sprint ends.
It starts the moment we allow ourselves to imagine something better, inch by inch.
Explore The Archives
- The Writings on the (Rage Room) Walls — Are We Striving to Leave Something Behind?
- The Prophecy of Broken Bonds and Blood: A D&D Narrative DM Resource
- When The Highs of Writing and Publishing Fade—How I’m Keeping The Stratagem’s Archive Alive
