The Stratagem’s Archive

Tag: Burnout

  • The Archive Impulse: Why I Keep Writing Even When I Should Rest

    Welcome — However You Found Your Way Here

    Playing Chicken with Myself

    In my last article,Bound by Compulsion: The Hidden Cost of Rituals We Can’t Escape, I tried to untangle why I keep doing what I do — writing every day, stacking projects, refusing to stop even when stopping makes sense.

    I thought it was compulsion. Maybe it is. But as I’ve sat with it, I think there’s another layer to it.

    It feels like I’m playing chicken with myself.

    I stay up too late. I sleep too little. I keep pushing the line forward, daring myself to see how much further I can go before something breaks. And the strange part? I’m not doing it because it’s efficient or even because I enjoy it all the time. I’m doing it because regret is nipping at my heels.

    The Pressure of Time

    I’ve mentioned this feeling, this pressure, in my other articles,

    I’m getting closer to thirty. I’m not married. I’m not cushioned by a comfortable job. I make about $50,000 a year across two jobs — warehouse work at $23/hour, smashing rooms at $16/hour. I’m building my emergency fund, tucking money into retirement, tackling debt one month at a time, and finding small ways to make my ideas tangible: like printing my first ever stickers, and waiting for my hoodie with The Stratagem’s Archive stitched across it to arrive.

    Brick by brick, I’m building something of my own.

    And yet, I still feel those unspoken expectations pressing down:

    You’re running out of time. You’re falling behind. You’re worth less the older you get.

    Society whispers it louder to women — that men age into “distinguished,” while women age out of relevance. Maybe it’s not true for everyone. But it feels real. And that’s enough to make me push harder, faster, almost recklessly. All because I can’t shake myself from believing these scripts as though written in stone.

    Why I Don’t Stop

    The irony isn’t lost on me: pushing like this could shorten the very time I’m afraid of wasting. But when I measure my choices, I still land here:

    • I don’t want to die with a locked archive of things I never dared to try.
    • So I dare myself.
    • To print the stickers.
    • To launch the blog.
    • To write every day even when I’m exhausted.
    • To see what else I can do before the door slams shut.

    It’s not compulsion in the medical sense, maybe. It’s not just discipline or routine either. It’s something murkier. Something like survival. Something like what I’ve started to call the Archive Impulse — the stubborn need to leave something behind that proves I was here. That I was alive and made something that could survive me.

    A Dangerous Engine

    This impulse has given me things I’m proud of. The blog. The manifestos. The archive that keeps growing because I refuse to stop feeding it.

    But it’s also a dangerous engine.

    It eats my rest.

    It blurs my days.

    It makes me question whether I’m in control, or if the need to “do more” is driving me instead.

    Still, it’s mine. It’s the fire that didn’t go out. And even if it burns me sometimes, I’d rather risk the flame than live in the quiet regret of never striking the match. Something that Burning the Candle at Both Ends… For What? Has tried to figure out too.

    To Fellow Archivists

    If you’re reading this and you’ve felt that pressure too — that dare to do more before time takes the chance away — know this: you’re not alone.

    We might not all share the same rituals, or the same fears, but we share the weight. We share the stubbornness. We share the ache of wanting to leave something that proves we mattered.

    Maybe you call it something else. I call it the Archive Impulse.

    A Gentle Ask

    If this article resonates, if you’ve felt the same ticking clock or the same weight pressing down, I invite you to do three things:

    Like this post — it helps show this archive is worth finding. Share it with someone who might need to hear they’re not alone. Subscribe to join The Stratagem’s Archive — you’ll receive behind-the-scenes thoughts, experiments, and my newsletter Letters from the Void.

    As a thank you, subscribers also get access to Two Manifestos + A Gift (For Fellow Archivists) — my early experiments, raw and imperfect, but alive.

    Every click, every return, every silent read helps this space grow. It shifts this archive from being just mine to being ours.

    Author’s Reflection

    I know I can’t keep daring myself forever without cost. I don’t know how to stop yet, but I’m trying to learn how to rest without feeling like I’ve failed.

    Maybe that’s the next dare.

    Until then, the Archive Impulse keeps me moving forward. One brick at a time. One article at a time. One stubborn act of creation after another.

    Thanks for reading.

    — The Stratagem’s Archive

  • Stuck in Traffic, Stuck in My Head: A Reflection on Control and Fear

    Welcome — However You Found Your Way Here

    Stuck Between Control and Chaos

    Traffic is supposed to be boring, right? Just cars, brake lights, and the clock bleeding away. But for me, sitting in traffic isn’t just a commute — it’s a collision of three battles I’m always fighting: control, productivity, and patience.

    Last night was the perfect storm.

    While I sat in traffic, do not do this, I checked my emails in gridlock. When I saw that my package was delivered, the time I saw that it had been dropped off at 19:07. I also knew I was nowhere near home. By the time I pulled into my lot at 19:45, every minute of that drive had been stretched thin with dread:

    • What if someone takes it?
    • What if it’s gone before I even see it?

    It wasn’t just about the package — it was something I made real, something I paid extra on, and had been waiting for. To imagine it stolen while unprotected without a mailbox or a fence was catastrophic.

    The anxiousness of sitting in traffic made me angry, I was pissed, and I tried my best to relax by listening to Indila on repeat. It was a hit and miss that night.

    And while I sat there, boxed in by red lights and cars crawling, another voice crept in: you’re wasting time. You should be making money. You should be productive. Every minute you sit here is failure.

    That poisonous hustle-culture whisper that says you’re not enough if you aren’t making money while sleeping. Or, in this case, sitting in traffic. That sitting in traffic is a sign that I’m a failure because my work isn’t running itself—I’m not making any extra income, except for my retirement and investment accounts.

    To make it worse, the flow was dragged even slower because cop cruisers decided to take up a whole lane, their presence not protecting but clogging. And, because the cops were out, people were slowing down more, not letting anyone cross out of the lanes being occupied by the cruisers, to avoid being pulled over.

    Watching them idle in the middle of the road while hundreds of us squeezed around felt like the perfect metaphor: authority making things harder just because it can, reminding you how little control you really have.

    By the time I pulled into my parking stall and saw my envelope sitting there in front of my door — waiting — I felt the sharp snap of relief. But also the weight of the ride lingered. That time in traffic had been more than cars and congestion: it was my whole internal war in miniature.

    The fear of losing what’s mine.

    The shame of not doing enough.

    The frustration of forces out of my control dragging things out longer than they need to.

    Traffic is supposed to be boring, and it can be most days. But sometimes it acts as a mirror. And what it shows me is rarely passive or quiet.

    A Reflection for You

    I know traffic can mean a hundred different things depending on where you are in life: wasted time, a chance to breathe, a moment to scream in private, or something else entirely.

    So I’m curious — when you’ve been stuck in traffic, what does it bring up for you? Frustration, fear, overthinking, or maybe even peace?

    A Gentle Ask

    If you’ve ever felt this too — the gnawing voices about time, control, and patience — know you’re not alone.

    Like, share, or subscribe if this resonated with you.

    Subscribers get early access to my behind-the-scenes thoughts, experiments, and Letters from the Void Newsletter — plus, as a thank you, Two Manifestos + A Gift (For Fellow Archivists).

    Every return reader, every subscriber, every silent visit helps keep this archive alive.

    So thank you — for seeing yourself here, for being here.

    — Stratagem’s Archive

    Related Posts

    Bound by Compulsion: The Hidden Cost of Rituals We Can’t Escape

    What Good is “History” If There’s No Future?

    I’m Afraid of Wasting My Potential — So I Learn Everything I Can, While I Can.

  • Writing Through 30 Days and Nights

    Welcome — However You Found Your Way Here

    The Compulsion to Reach 30 Consistent Days

    I didn’t do this to go viral.

    I didn’t do this for praise.

    I did it because I had a lot to share and I wanted to see if I could do it.

    30 days ago, I made a quiet decision:

    To show up every day — no matter what happens throughout my day — and write.

    Not for perfection or validation — Just to write.

    To give myself the space to express what the world often ignores, in my opinion, and share it anyways.

    To build something from within the silence and put it out there.

    The Early Days: Lighting Candles in the Dark

    I started this project with uncertainty; Unsure if anyone would read and if I had enough to say.

    But each post, each idea, each sentence was another step forward.

    Not toward a finish line — but toward myself.

    I began this journey with questions, with frustration, with hunger and anger.

    I had something to say, even if it wasn’t always loud or pretty.

    Through Trial By Fire

    There were days I didn’t want to write.

    Days when life pressed down so hard, I wanted to collapse into the ground and stay there.

    But I kept writing. Even when it felt like shouting into a void.

    Even when I was tired, numb, or raging silently behind the screen.

    Not every post was polished. Not every word perfect.

    But they were real. And they were mine.

    What I’ve Learned (Without Realizing It)

    After 30 days, I see it after the fact now:

    I’m stronger than I thought — not because I didn’t feel pain, but because I kept going with it. I’m no longer looking to be saved. I’m building my way out. The silence after hitting “publish” doesn’t mean failure — it means space. For breath. For those who might find it later.

    The Work Still Matters No Matter Where I Am in Life

    I’m still not “free.”

    I still work two jobs that breaks my body physically and emotionally.

    I still write in the cracks between fatigue and survival.

    But now I’ve built something that didn’t exist before.

    That’s proof of life. Of my life.

    This isn’t the end.

    I’m not done.

    But I wanted to mark this moment —

    To say: I proved to myself that I did this. And I’ll keep going as long as I’m able to.

    I’m not trying to glorify this 30 day milestone has been the answer to my problems. It’s not. I’m exhausted, I’m feeling worn down, the voices in my head are screaming at me for how much of a failure I am. However, as much as I don’t believe it myself, I’m too stubborn to not want to see this through. So, seeing this through writing 30 days and nights I go.

    For Those Who Wander

    Did any part of this sit with you?

    If you’ve ever felt the same — or even something close — you’re not alone.

    I’d love to hear what came up for you, if you feel like sharing. Whether it’s a quiet “me too,” a story of your own, or just a thought you’ve been holding, the comments are open — and so am I.

    No pressure, no performance. Just space

    To those reading this — tired, wondering, still searching — this place is for you.

    I call it The Stratagem’s Archive — a place to rest, reflect, and remember that your story still matters.

    No matter how quiet. No matter how heavy.

    You’re welcome here.

    You’re Invited

    If something here resonates with you:

    Leave a comment or share your own experience. Like or Subscribe if you want to follow this journey. Doing so allows people on similar paths to find this space and call it their own too. Or just sit quietly and read. That’s enough, too.

    Thank you for walking with me — even for just a moment.

    We may not always know where we’re going, but if we’re still writing, still working, still getting up, then we’re still alive.

  • Some Days I Don’t Want to Be Here — On Surviving When Everything Else Feels Heavy

    I Don’t Have Any Answers

    Welcome, fellow archivists.

    This isn’t going to be a post full of strategies or 5-step solutions. I don’t have answers. I don’t have any neat, Instagram-worthy fixes for feeling worthless, angry, exhausted, or like a failure.

    All I have is the truth: I’m still here. I show up. That’s it.

    When There’s No Outlet That Works

    Every day, I feel like crying. Or screaming. Or fighting someone. Or curling into a ball and disappearing.

    Most days, I don’t do any of it. I keep it inside. I go to work. I lift boxes. I nod. I breathe through the rage.

    It feels like that, at work, the only time I’ll be acknowledged is: being asked to pick up someone else’s slack, when my mind blanks out and I wasn’t paying attention to what I was doing, or when I make a mistake and that immediately overshadows ALL of the good work I’d done prior.

    Sometimes I don’t even feel angry — I’m just so tired that people assume I’m mad.

    But truth is? I’ve tried the healthy outlets.

    I’ve done the journaling. The walking. The meditating. The deep breathing. The exercising. The learning. The “focus on your goals” grindset.

    I’ve tried cold showers. Better sleep. Better food.

    And it all helps… but it’s not enough. Not when the storm keeps coming back. Not when my mind is so convinced that I’m not worth keeping or being around.

    I Keep Trying Anyway

    I try to channel this torrent of emotions into my projects:

    • Writing D&D prompts I may never run.
    • Trying to code, even though I spent 10 years thinking I wasn’t smart enough.
    • Taking online courses that might help one day.
    • Working two jobs.
    • Keeping myself occupied so I don’t fall into that deep, silent well again.

    But most of the time, I’m not healing. I’m just surviving.

    Mostly I’m surviving. If you want to read more about these slow projects and quiet experiments, I sometimes write about them in Letters from the Void.

    This Pain and Anger Has A Name

    I would often ask myself the same question over and over again;

    What do I have to be angry about?

    That question, that right there, is called “Comparative Guilt.”

    This guilt would trick me, maybe it tricked you too, into thinking that I’m not suffering enough as someone going through real suffering to matter.

    I have so much good in my life:

    • I have caring and supportive family.
    • I’ve been living on my own for a few months.
    • I chose myself over staying in toxic and diminishing friendships.
    • I’ve started my own blog.
    • I’m working 2 jobs to aggressively get out of $15,000 of debt.
    • I’ve been investing in my retirement and my present for 2-3 years now.

    So, what should I be angry, upset, or numb over? I’ve got it so good, someone would want to trade spots with me.

    That’s the guilt trying to tell me that I’m not enough, even though I already struggle with combating feeling like a failure, worthless, and not good enough on the daily. It’s trying to say, “give up, you’re not worth it.”

    But I don’t give up, I’m stubborn like that. I might be a glutton for punishment because feeling angry, upset, or numb might be the only things I can feel these days. For now, that is enough, until I’m able to learn how to smile and feel content or joy again.

    Living Is The Loudest Rebellion I Have

    I’ve started believing that the biggest “f*** you” to a world that seems to want you to disappear… is to not disappear.

    Not to win. Not to thrive. Not to be impressive.

    Just to keep existing, even when it hurts. Even when nothing helps. Even when you don’t want to.

    There’s no power move louder than refusing to vanish — even if you’re dragging yourself through the day.

    If You’re Still Here Too…

    Then maybe you’re like me.

    You don’t have the answers.

    You’re angry and exhausted and worn down.

    But you still show up. Somehow.

    And that counts for something, even if no one sees it. Even if you forget why.

    This post isn’t here to fix you.

    It’s just a reminder:

    If all you did today was survive, that’s still resistance.

    A Note For Fellow Archivists

    If any part of this piece resonates, I’d love to invite you to pause for a moment and reflect on your own journey.

    What part of your story feels messy, uncertain, or unfinished right now? Where are you weary, wondering, or wandering? What small reminder do you need today that you don’t have to fit neatly into anyone’s expectations?

    You don’t have to share your reflections out loud — sometimes it’s enough just to notice them for yourself. But if you’d like, you’re always welcome to write them in the comments, or even send them my way privately. This space is here so that we can remind ourselves and each other: you’re not alone in this.

    If you’ve found something meaningful here, liking, sharing, or subscribing helps fellow wanderers find this little pocket of the internet too. And if you subscribe, you’ll also receive Letters from the Void, my newsletter where I share more quiet reflections, behind-the-scenes projects, and updates before they appear anywhere else.

    However you choose to engage — silently reading, reflecting privately, or joining in the conversation — you’re part of this archive. Thank you for being here.