The Stratagem’s Archive

Category: Reflections

  • More Than Muscle: Becoming Strong on My Own Terms

    Welcome — However You Found Your Way Here

    Getting Back Into the Game

    It’s been one month since I returned to using my little home gym again, ready to take on the weight of my sandbag and kettlebells instead of the weight of my jobs and internal critic.

    My inspiration to get back into training comes from Elden Ring’s main character—the Tarnished—who, despite being a nobody in a land destroyed by war, keeps fighting, getting stronger, and never stops coming back from each defeat.

    That’s how I often feel, only without gods, monsters, or the ability to respawn at sites of grace.

    Instead, I have my jobs, bills, debt, managing chronic pain, and the constant effort to eat and sleep enough, while carving out time to write and work out.

    Because of everything on my plate, I chose to start small: 1–2 days a week using weights and calisthenics, with light stretching on alternate days to manage my lower back pain.

    Mondays are my non-negotiable training days since it’s my day off, and I stay flexible about the other days.

    I’ve also started experimenting with journaling, meditation, and goal-setting—working on my mental and emotional muscles, too. Because there are real monsters that need constant slaying.

    I can’t physically see them, but they live inside me: fear, doubt, regret, the ghosts of who I was versus who I am versus who I could be. These are the real-life versions of poison, scarlet rot, and death blight—infesting my mind, impeding progress, and sometimes killing my will to keep going.

    I’m in this gray area of life where I know things could get better—my body, mind, work conditions, finances, and time. But, very much like the Tarnished, I have to grind for every level I can before I lose the runes (progress) I’ve built up, facing the next enemy hiding in plain sight.

    And what are those enemies? The pesky maintenance tasks at home: chores, dishes, laundry, car upkeep, making sure my studio is functional. Sometimes, that’s the boss battle—and I’m often the one losing.

    For my training regimen, I asked ChatGPT to help design a program inspired by the Tarnished, tailored to what I have in my home gym, my physical limitations, and the number of days I can realistically train. Here’s how it’s been going…

    Fighting the Inner Voice: Reframing the Blame

    There were days this past month when I didn’t feel strong — not even close. My body didn’t move like it used to. My push-ups felt shaky. My endurance was low. I’d finish a shift exhausted, and even with a small win in training, I could feel those old, brutal voices in the back of my head crawling out again:

    • You’ve gotten so weak.
    • You’re pathetic.
    • You can’t even do your own job without being a burden.
    • What are you even doing about this?

    That last question used to be a weapon. It didn’t motivate me — it condemned me.

    But something shifted this time. I got angry. Not at the world, not at anyone else — but at myself, for letting that blame game play on repeat in my mind like a cursed loop. And so I challenged the question directly.

    “What are you doing about this?”

    became

    “I’m doing something about it.”

    That small change — that reframe — felt like casting a temporary buff in the middle of a tough fight. The voices quieted, just a little. Not gone, not defeated, but pushed back. Replaced by something sturdier. Something mine.

    I know that mindset boost won’t always be active. But that’s okay. Because just like in any good boss fight, sometimes the win isn’t about landing a massive critical hit — sometimes it’s just about nullifying the status effects long enough to get back to baseline. And honestly? That’s still a win.

    More Than Muscle: Why I’m Still Here

    This journey back into training isn’t about chasing old numbers or proving anything to anyone else. It’s about building strength that goes deeper than muscle — the kind that lets me face another day at work, another bill, another doubt, another version of myself I’m trying to outgrow.

    I’m not training to escape my life; I’m training so I can live it with more control, more awareness, and more refusal to stay broken.

    And even if my muscles shake, even if I can’t lift what I used to, I’m still showing up. That’s not weakness. That’s stubbornness. That’s endurance. That’s what makes me stronger than before — because I’m doing all of this not in ideal conditions, but in the middle of everything else I’m carrying.

    One month in, and I’m still in the fight.

    One month in, and I’ve proven to myself that I am doing something about it.

    This is more than muscle. This is me, becoming a real-life Tarnished — on my own terms.

    Before You Go…

    Maybe you’re in your own version of the Lands Between right now — stuck in the gray areas, rebuilding after burnout, grief, or just plain exhaustion.

    Maybe your strength doesn’t look like it used to. Maybe you’re still figuring out what “doing something about it” even means.

    Wherever you are in your journey — physically, mentally, emotionally — you’re not alone.

    So I’ll ask you this, gently:

    What’s your version of strength right now?

    What are you doing, even quietly, to keep going?

    A Note To Fellow Archivists

    An Invitation to You

    If any part of this piece resonates, I’d love to invite you to pause for a moment and reflect on your own journey.

    • What part of your story feels messy, uncertain, or unfinished right now?
    • Where are you weary, wondering, or wandering?
    • What small reminder do you need today that you don’t have to fit neatly into anyone’s expectations?

    You don’t have to share your reflections out loud — sometimes it’s enough just to notice them for yourself. But if you’d like, you’re always welcome to write them in the comments, or even send them my way privately. This space is here so that we can remind ourselves and each other: you’re not alone in this.

    If you’ve found something meaningful here, liking, sharing, or subscribing helps fellow wanderers find this little pocket of the internet too. And if you subscribe, you’ll also receive Letters from the Void, my newsletter where I share more quiet reflections, behind-the-scenes projects, and updates before they appear anywhere else.

    However you choose to engage — silently reading, reflecting privately, or joining in the conversation — you’re part of this archive. Thank you for being here.

    The Stratagem’s Manifesto

    Other work to check out:

    More Than Muscle: What Real Strength Looks Like to Me.

    More Than Muscle: My No-Gym, No-Excuse Home Setup

    Letters from the Void Newsletter

    — The Stratagem’s Archives

  • What Asexuality Taught Me About Living In Between

    Welcome — However You Found Your Way Here

    In the Middle — In The Gray

    I’ve never been in a relationship — not because I couldn’t be, but because something about the way people talked about love, dating, and intimacy never quite landed right with me.

    I thought maybe I was just “independent.”

    That I was wired differently.

    That maybe I had trust issues.

    That maybe I was just too tired for all of it.

    People projected their thoughts and fears onto me:

    “You’ll change your mind when you meet the right person.”

    “You’re just scared of being vulnerable.”

    “You’re just picky.”

    “You’re going to be alone forever if you don’t try.”

    I got tired of explaining myself, so I stopped. I figured if I was going to be misunderstood, I might as well be quiet about it. For years, I stayed silent about what I wasn’t feeling — and tried to pretend it didn’t mean anything.

    But two months ago, I found the word I didn’t know I was missing that described what I kept telling people with too many sentences:

    Asexual.

    Suddenly, I had a framework — not a label to box myself into, but a spectrum that felt like home. And while I’m still learning about it, still questioning and exploring, I finally understand something I’ve been living with my whole life:

    I’ve always existed in the gray spaces.

    And I always have.

    Not Broken — Just Different

    I used to feel like something was wrong with me.

    • Why didn’t I daydream about love the way other people did?
    • Why did romance in movies feel like background noise instead of a goal?
    • Why didn’t I feel the “spark” that seemed to guide everyone else’s decisions?

    I felt pressure — subtle and loud — from all sides:

    Could We Talk About Relationships?

    Like, seriously, could we?

    • People coupling up just to avoid loneliness.
    • Friends moving from one relationship to the next without breathing.
    • Others settling down not because they were in love, but because they were tired of waiting.

    One of my aunty’s asked if I’d ever cook for a (man), while we were watching “Gilmore Girls” during our weekly family dinners. I told her, “No, but cooking is an essential skill anyone should learn for themselves.”

    Her question was very sudden, but I thought she was asking for something deeper than she let on, but I didn’t press after answering her second question of, “what can I cook?”

    And I hated how this obsession to be paired up had been normal, had been the driving force that being in a relationship was all that mattered.

    People weren’t going to “fix” my problems if they had their own struggles and insecurities to handle. Adding our crazy to their crazy? That’s a ball destined to drop and it’s a matter of “when”, not “if”, at that point.

    I didn’t want to be with someone out of fear.

    I didn’t want to be chosen because I was there — convenient, available, the “last resort.”

    And I didn’t want to choose someone just to fill a silence I hadn’t made peace with in myself.

    We’re all lonely.

    And these relationships, in my opinion, never last.

    What Queerplatonic Bonds Showed Me

    Since learning about asexuality, I’ve also been learning about something called queerplatonic relationships (QPRs). They challenge the hierarchy that says romantic love is the only love that really matters.

    They’re deeply committed friendships that blur the lines society forces on us — not romantic, not casual, not just “best friends.” Something deeper. Chosen. Defined by the people in it.

    And when I learned about QPRs, something inside me clicked again.

    That kind of intimacy?

    That kind of intentional connection — that honors boundaries and still says, “you matter to me”?

    That’s the kind of relationship I could see myself showing up for.

    I don’t need the romance script.

    I don’t need to be rescued.

    I don’t need to follow anyone else’s timeline.

    But I do need something that feels true, mutual, and emotionally safe. Something where I can offer depth and presence without pretending I’m someone I’m not.

    I’m Not Against Relationships — I Just Don’t Want to Settle

    The truth is, I’m not “averse” to relationships.

    But I’ve also never been in one.

    And I’ve never felt the urgency that so many others seem to have to get into a relationship so quickly.

    If a relationship happens mutually, it happens.

    But it won’t be rushed.

    It won’t be forced just to avoid loneliness.

    It won’t be rooted in fear or urgency or expectation.

    And it definitely won’t be at the cost of who I am.

    I’ve seen too many people get stuck in something they don’t even want, because they thought they had to. Because children entered the picture before they were ready. Because they didn’t stop to ask themselves:

    “Is this what I want, or just what I’ve been told to want?”

    For example, I don’t want children of my own.

    I’m not against adoption, but only if life ever gives me the space, time, health, and stability to care for myself and someone else.

    I know first hand how hard it is to care for a kid when parents were kids just fresh out of high school. No more prepared than a drop out; the year I was born was the year my dad graduated high school— my parents stayed together, they both did what they could even though they struggled, and my dad would remind me often that, “they made a choice, and they chose to own up to it,” rather than letting my grandparents adopt me.

    So, I’ve witnessed it first hand why now isn’t in the cards to care for another person, except myself right now.

    Speaking of right now?

    I’m just trying to survive my 2 jobs.

    I’m trying to sleep more than 3 hours a night.

    Trying to hold onto the version of myself that doesn’t scream in exhaustion every day.

    And even through all of that, I’m still showing up to write — because somewhere out there, someone might read this and say:

    “Me too.”

    What I Want Now: Intentional Connection

    I want friendships where we really see each other — not just pretend we like each other because of what we can take from someone or give.

    I want shared silence that doesn’t feel awkward.

    I want loyalty that isn’t possessive or only from convenience.

    I want support that doesn’t require me to sacrifice myself just to be worthy of it or beg for the bare minimum of care and basic human need.

    I want to feel safe and known.

    That’s all.

    That’s everything.

    I don’t need someone to “fix” me.

    I just want to be allowed to exist in the gray — the in-between — and still be enough.

    I’ve Been Let Down Too Many Times — Now I Know What I Value

    It took years for me to figure out what my values and needs are from having so many friends treat me like I was expendable, worthless, useless, and not even their friend. I was only kept around out of convenience because I was loyal, supported my friends with my time, energy, with gifts my grandma made, and even with my own money.

    It hurt when I was going through a rough time in my high school wrestling career and, where I wanted encouragement, my circle of friends told me to quit.

    I didn’t want to quit, and I told them quietly that I didn’t want to quit. The two friends I followed into the wrestling room quit the first day. They said it was too hard, but I had a lot of fun, even though it was the first real sport I tried out, stuck with for 1 year, and it wasn’t purely academic either.

    When I didn’t take their advice, one friend I knew since second grade yelled at me, she was the loud one in our group, for, “not taking their advice for my problem.”

    Things were already like that where, in the “family dynamic” you have with friends, I wasn’t the “daughter, sister, or aunty.” Nope. I was the crazy neighbor with the bat. I used to just accept those labels, accepted that giving as much as I could without asking for anything in return, except to be included, would somehow let me be part of the group.

    It was worse trying to make plans with everyone to walk around the mall or hang out after school and everyone would all be simultaneously busy. Every morning before class, without fail, they would all talk about how they had fun hanging out at the pool, at the beach, with each other, but no one invited me, not once.

    So, I stayed silent, I kept myself small, hoping and waiting to be included, all just so I wouldn’t be alone either.

    The Patterns Were Repeating — And I Didn’t See It Until a Decade Later

    After I graduated high school, it was time for the next step with attending college. I figured, “new school, no one knows me, so I could be whoever I wanted to be.”

    Yet the same habits came up again and again; because I didn’t know anyone, I would socially withdraw and keep to myself. I would speak to people, but no one really stuck around to exchange numbers with.

    I made friends with 3 people at college who I hung out with the most, though 1 friend had been in my life for 10 years until very recently this year.

    From my experiences with my high school friends and my supposed “best friend” from college who made me feel seen, who didn’t run or criticize me when my temper flared, who made me think things were going to be different, just ended up being the same.

    It took another decade to see that the friends I made were only in it for the “fun time” and when things were convenient and not the “long and difficult times.” No different from any terrible relationship, huh?

    They Hurt Me — But That’s How I Learned What Really Matters.

    After everything I went through with each of my friendships, even my most longest standing friend of 10 years, I finally learned what I value in a friendship/relationship, even though it was hard to.

    But What Good is “History” If There’s No Future? So, below was the start of my future going forward:

    • Clear and direct communication
    • Reciprocity
    • Respect: as an adult, of my time and efforts, and my boundaries
    • Accountability of choices and actions
    • Authenticity
    • Intellectual and physical growth
    • Personal goals
    • Peace of mind, not distress
    • Shared direction

    I’m not asking for perfection — I’m asking for depth. I’ve had enough of shallow relationships that only go as far as what I can give. From now on, I only build with those who want to grow beside me, not because they have to.

    Too many have to’s never showed up for me or kept themselves accountable, so I had to learn to be the friend I wish I had, even though I hate myself.

    An Invitation to Anyone in the Gray

    If you’ve ever felt like you’re “not enough” for love…

    If you’ve never seen yourself in the stories people tell about romance…

    If you’re still figuring out your values, your boundaries, your wants and needs…

    If you’ve felt pressure to settle just to stop being alone…

    Then you’re not alone.

    You’re not broken.

    You don’t have to rush.

    You don’t have to explain yourself to everyone.

    Your way of loving — or not loving — is valid.

    Your pace is allowed.

    Your silence is sacred.

    This is a gray space.

    And it’s a safe space.

    Thanks for sitting with me in it.

    Gently, I ask:

    Have you ever questioned the way you relate to love or connection?

    What do you value most in a friendship, or in the people closest to you?

    What are you still learning to accept about yourself?

    I’m always open to hearing your thoughts — quietly, anonymously, or even just through reading. You can comment below, like, share, or subscribe for more stories like this, or just keep sitting with this post until you’re ready.

    Take what you need.

    Leave what you don’t.

    You’re always welcome here.

    Thank you.

    — The Stratagem’s Archive

  • Could We Talk About Relationships?

    Welcome — However You Found Your Way Here

    — A Gray Space Reflection

    “You are the sum of the five people you hang out with most.”

    — Alux.com

    I saw this quote again the other day — you know the one. It gets shared a lot in self-help circles, in Instagram carousels, in motivational reels from guys in suits sitting in Lamborghinis. It sounds wise at first. Measurable. Self-assured.

    But then I thought:

    If I don’t hang out with anyone… what does that make me?

    A zero?

    A ghost?

    An undefined variable?

    It’s strange how easily we assign worth to people by who they’re next to — as if your value exists only in relation to others. As if the only way to be someone is to be reflected back by someone else.

    So maybe that’s where I’ll start this.

    Not with answers.

    But with a question:

    Could we talk about relationships?

    What I’ve Seen: Love by Fear, Not by Choice

    A lot of the people I know didn’t fall into love — they fell into fear.

    • Fear of being alone.
    • Fear of being the last one single in the group.
    • Fear of being left behind by people getting married, having kids, “moving on.”
    • Some dated because the person they wanted wanted them back, and that felt rare. Others settled because they thought waiting for something better made them ungrateful.
    • Some slept with people they didn’t really like just to feel something.

    And when it all crashed and burned, they called it a “lesson.”

    But sometimes it didn’t look like a lesson.

    It looked like guilt. Shame. Emotional scars. Unspoken resentment. Children brought into situations where no one was ready. And people — both the leavers and the left — trying to claw their way back to some sense of self they lost trying to “belong” to someone else.

    What Gets Projected Onto Me (That Isn’t Mine to Carry)

    As an asexual woman, I’ve had people assume all kinds of things about me:

    That I’m:

    emotionally repressed, broken, lonely scared of intimacy, secretly gay, or just waiting for the “right” person to fix me.

    And none of those assumptions had anything to do with me.

    They were about them.

    Their own fears. Their own confusion.

    I had a coworker tell me that he, “didn’t want me to wake up at age 32, single, unhappy, and lonely.” We’re the same age, separated by months with him being older, and his words felt very specific.

    I called him out on his words, that it sounds like he’s projecting his own fears onto me, and he never brought relationships up again.

    It’s maddening to me with people’s opinions like that: Their discomfort with someone who isn’t playing the same game — who isn’t treating sex or relationships like the final boss level of life.

    It’s hard to explain that I’m not “missing” something.

    That I’m not holding out.

    That I don’t need to be saved from myself.

    The Anime That Got Me Thinking

    I’ve been watching a show recently:

    “There’s No Freaking Way I’ll Be Your Lover!”

    It’s a yuri harem anime on the surface, but underneath the tropes, it dives into something deeper:

    What’s the line between platonic love and romantic love?

    What happens when someone wants closeness — but not romance?

    In one scene, the main character asks a friend:

    “Do you think there’s a difference between friends and a partner?”

    And without skipping a beat, her friend replies:

    “Romantic relationships are best known by if the person turns you on.”

    That line caught me and the main character off guard— because it was so blunt, so sure of itself.

    It made the answer feel easy. Obvious.

    But then I asked myself:

    If that’s the only difference… then how is that not just “friends with benefits”?

    What separates love from lust?

    And if a friendship holds emotional depth, loyalty, vulnerability, and time — what makes it “less than” a relationship without sex?

    Why is physical desire the gold star we stamp on a bond and call it real?

    Where I Stand: Somewhere in the Gray

    I’ve never been in a relationship — and I used to feel , and made to feel, ashamed of that.

    Not because I felt broken or unwanted…

    but because people made me feel like that fact invalidated my ability to speak on love or connection.

    As if watching people I care about suffer through toxic or empty relationships wasn’t enough evidence to say,

    “Hey… maybe this isn’t a good idea.”

    I’m not a relationship expert.

    But I’ve witnessed a lot of people use each other to hide from themselves.

    And I’ve seen what happens when we pretend sex equals intimacy, and loneliness equals failure.

    The truth is, I don’t think romance is the only way people can feel fulfilled.

    And I don’t think friendship is a lesser love.

    Some of the most meaningful, healing, supportive bonds in my life have had nothing to do with desire, but were just as devastating when betrayed by someone we’ve chose to let into our life.

    They had everything to do with presence. Care. Understanding. Even if they didn’t realize it when things fell apart.

    So, Could We Talk About It?

    Not about “just vibes.”

    Not about rom-com tropes.

    Not about timelines and expectations and who-should-do-what.

    But the real stuff. The questions that don’t always have answers.

    Like:

    • Why do we feel behind if we’re not in a relationship?
    • Why does being wanted sexually feel like a badge of worth?
    • Why do we treat friendship like a stepping stone instead of a destination?
    • Why do people project so much fear onto others who live differently?

    And most of all:

    Why does wanting something deeper than “just don’t be alone” feel so rare to find in others?

    Closing the Loop (Not the Door)

    I don’t know if I’ll ever be in a relationship.

    I’m not against the idea — I’m just not willing to chase a fantasy that others sold me when I already know it doesn’t fit.

    But I do want connection.

    I want friendship that isn’t afraid of depth.

    Conversations that don’t flinch at honesty.

    Care that isn’t conditional on performance, or looks, or how well I can play a part I didn’t audition for.

    If you’ve ever felt this way too, I hope you know —

    you’re not broken. You’re not late. You’re not alone.

    Maybe you’re just in a gray space like me.

    And maybe gray spaces are where the most honest questions live.

    What about you?

    Have you ever been in a relationship that wasn’t really about love?

    Or had a friendship that meant more than anything else — but didn’t “count” because it wasn’t romantic?

    You don’t have to agree with everything I’ve written — but if something here stirred something in you, feel free to comment, share, like, subscribe, or sit quietly with me for a while.

    Sharing, liking, subscribing might help others like us find their way to this little quiet, gray space of the internet.

    This blog is a gray space. And gray spaces need voices, needs questions and reflection, not just answers.

    Thank you.

  • What If Becoming Better is Making Us Worse?

    Welcome — However You Found Your Way Here

    My Journey into “Self Betterment”

    I’ve tried so many things in the name of becoming a better version of myself that it’s been a ridiculous journey. You name it and this isn’t the full comprehensive list:

    • Cold showers.
    • Journaling.
    • Intermittent fasting.
    • Lifting weights.
    • Meditating.
    • Waking up early.
    • Tracking habits.
    • Therapy (though I didn’t know how to be honest back then).
    • Stoicism.
    • Buddhism.
    • Financial planning.
    • SMART goals.
    • Praying.
    • A lot of it!!!

    And for a while, they worked, I felt healthier, stronger, and able to take on the world—until I couldn’t anymore. Why weren’t they working anymore? Great question! The insight I got was pretty simple and straight forward in my opinion.

    These habits weren’t helping me improve my life at all.

    Things would spiral out of control, my anger and resentment and bitterness and my envy would arise whenever I wasn’t keeping up with those habits like so much “Successful people” preached doing.

    When I couldn’t keep up, I vehemently hated myself to the point I would berate myself, tears streaming down my face, red and livid, and I couldn’t stand hearing my own voice.

    When I missed a day, I felt like I was falling apart. That my life was being uprooted again because I had no solid foundation to plant and grow my own roots in where I could be proud, not ready to burn myself at the stake.

    It took me years to reflect, years to stop and reconsider what was going on. Then, it hit me; maybe the issue wasn’t that I was lazy, undisciplined, or doomed to be stuck.

    Maybe the problem was this:

    Self-improvement became a prison when it stopped allowing me to be human.

    The Rigidity of “Better”

    Since starting my journey to be a “better version of myself” back in University, now as I currently am, I noticed that the Self-help culture started sounding like this:

    Wake up earlier. Don’t make excuses. Keep going no matter what. Grind harder. Be grateful. Don’t complain. Smile. Fix your mindset. Work out. Read more. Meditate. Eat clean. Keep up. Don’t fall off.

    It sounds motivating, it sounds like good advice because taking care of ourselves is important—however, it becomes just another script to follow, just another thing to fail at, if we don’t fit the mold like the people peddling the advice expect, the we’re still the failures.

    Even religion sometimes feels this way too: all structure, no grace. At least, from personal experience and interactions with certain people, this was the impression I got.

    I’ve been the type of person who wouldn’t bother much if people, especially in religious settings, were too unforgiving and came across as, “you’re going to hell,” swearing at people and being graceless, then go to pray as though they didn’t mistreat someone for having different beliefs and practices.

    It took me some time to realize that we all contradict ourselves. We all fall short, no matter the setting, beliefs, or practices we follow.

    And, honestly, I could stand to have more of less systems to tell us we’re broken, that we’re failures, if we don’t already tell ourselves this because I do and I stopped doing a lot of these things, these habits, myself.

    I’ve been wondering how much we need room to breathe, since life is already stifling a lot of us as it is.

    To ask: What if I’m not failing? What if I’m just tired? What is this habit really doing for me if things are falling apart and I still have to pick up the pieces?

    When I Miss a Day, I Feel Like I’m Falling Apart

    I was learning to code recently—something I’ve wanted to do for years.

    I stayed consistent for a month, even through exhaustion. But then I hit a wall. I struggled, and I stopped. Just like that.

    Then I heard my inner critic come back with a vengeance, it was so loud:

    “You see? You’re slipping again. You’ll never keep up. You’ll always be the failure you always were and will never get out of your shitty situation.”

    That voice used to win. But now? I’m learning to ignore it.

    Why?

    Because I’m working two jobs, sleeping in my car most mornings to get parking before my warehouse shift, battling back pain that shoots down my leg, trying to eat on a schedule that barely allows for rest, and still—still—I wake up and try again.

    That’s not failure, though it feels like it. That’s survival. That’s strength. Even if it might not seem like it, like I’m slowly killing myself and I’m refusing to stop.

    Even when I have nothing left to give, I can still:

    • Stretch for one minute
    • Sit in silence before I pass out
    • Let my body sleep when it’s ready
    • Forgive myself for what I couldn’t do today

    It doesn’t make me lazy.

    It makes me human.

    I Don’t Want to Be Like “Them”

    There are people out there who seem to have it all figured out—wealth, health, perfect routines, business ventures, large platforms. Some of these individuals, in my eyes, tend to mock people like me: the ones with 9-to-5s, who don’t have a “hustle,” who didn’t invest when they were 16, who are still figuring things out at 28, 29, or 35.

    And yet… I don’t want to be like them.

    They flex success, but rarely acknowledge how much help they had.

    They show certainty, but never talk about the cost.

    I don’t want to pretend to be okay just to look like I’ve arrived.

    I don’t want to shame people into growth by making them feel behind because it’s a shitty feeling added on top of other shitty feelings for not being further along in our own supposed journeys.

    I want to live in a world where being kind to yourself isn’t seen as weakness, but also not being used as a crutch.

    Where becoming better doesn’t mean becoming someone you’re not and becoming like someone else you might not even like or agree with.

    Where falling apart doesn’t mean you’ve failed—it just means you need to rest, adjust, and try a different approach. (Very much like what From Software’s games had taught me to do and apply it in real life).

    The Truth I’ve Learned (The Hard Way)

    You can try every method, practice every habit, and still feel empty inside if you’re doing it from a place of self-loathing instead of self-respect.

    I’m not saying self-improvement is bad. I’m saying it needs space for failure, adjustment, and rest.

    You’re allowed to:

    • Take a break
    • Miss a day (or a week)
    • Not be perfect
    • Not feel like doing it
    • Not optimize every second of your life
    • Question the rules
    • Do things your own way
    • Stop when it hurts

    You don’t need to build a life you hate to prove that you’re capable. You’re already capable, it’s just in ways where trends don’t approve, while you’ve experienced your own kind of Hell and are still marching through.

    Final Thoughts

    I’m still figuring this out. Any of this.

    I still struggle.

    I still feel like a mess everyday.

    I still feel angry, bitter, tired, alone, and afraid that I’ll never “make it.”

    But I’m learning that the goal isn’t to become perfect.

    It’s to become real.

    It’s to build a life that’s sustainable—even in the dark.

    Even when no one’s clapping.

    Even when it’s just you and a blog post at 4 AM, hitting publish, hoping someone understands.

    So if you’re trying—and struggling—to become better, but feel like it’s making you worse…

    You’re not alone.

    You’re not broken.

    You’re just tired.

    And that’s okay.

    So if you’re trying—and struggling—to become better, but feel like it’s making you worse… then it’s time to rest, re-evaluate your situation, and try a different approach, wouldn’t you agree? Just remember this, even for a brief moment:

    You’re not alone.

    You’re not broken.

    You’re likely very tired of a lot of things.

    And it’s okay to realize and say, even to yourself, that, “something isn’t working,” but I can make adjustments as needed because it’s my choice, not because it came from someone else telling me how “wrong” I am.

    If this post resonated with you…

    Did any part of this sit with you?

    If you’ve ever felt the same — or even something close — you’re not alone.

    I’d love to hear what came up for you, if you feel like sharing. Whether it’s a quiet “me too,” a story of your own, or just a thought you’ve been holding, the comments are open — and so am I.

    No pressure, no performance. Just space

  • Writing Through 30 Days and Nights

    Welcome — However You Found Your Way Here

    The Compulsion to Reach 30 Consistent Days

    I didn’t do this to go viral.

    I didn’t do this for praise.

    I did it because I had a lot to share and I wanted to see if I could do it.

    30 days ago, I made a quiet decision:

    To show up every day — no matter what happens throughout my day — and write.

    Not for perfection or validation — Just to write.

    To give myself the space to express what the world often ignores, in my opinion, and share it anyways.

    To build something from within the silence and put it out there.

    The Early Days: Lighting Candles in the Dark

    I started this project with uncertainty; Unsure if anyone would read and if I had enough to say.

    But each post, each idea, each sentence was another step forward.

    Not toward a finish line — but toward myself.

    I began this journey with questions, with frustration, with hunger and anger.

    I had something to say, even if it wasn’t always loud or pretty.

    Through Trial By Fire

    There were days I didn’t want to write.

    Days when life pressed down so hard, I wanted to collapse into the ground and stay there.

    But I kept writing. Even when it felt like shouting into a void.

    Even when I was tired, numb, or raging silently behind the screen.

    Not every post was polished. Not every word perfect.

    But they were real. And they were mine.

    What I’ve Learned (Without Realizing It)

    After 30 days, I see it after the fact now:

    I’m stronger than I thought — not because I didn’t feel pain, but because I kept going with it. I’m no longer looking to be saved. I’m building my way out. The silence after hitting “publish” doesn’t mean failure — it means space. For breath. For those who might find it later.

    The Work Still Matters No Matter Where I Am in Life

    I’m still not “free.”

    I still work two jobs that breaks my body physically and emotionally.

    I still write in the cracks between fatigue and survival.

    But now I’ve built something that didn’t exist before.

    That’s proof of life. Of my life.

    This isn’t the end.

    I’m not done.

    But I wanted to mark this moment —

    To say: I proved to myself that I did this. And I’ll keep going as long as I’m able to.

    I’m not trying to glorify this 30 day milestone has been the answer to my problems. It’s not. I’m exhausted, I’m feeling worn down, the voices in my head are screaming at me for how much of a failure I am. However, as much as I don’t believe it myself, I’m too stubborn to not want to see this through. So, seeing this through writing 30 days and nights I go.

    For Those Who Wander

    Did any part of this sit with you?

    If you’ve ever felt the same — or even something close — you’re not alone.

    I’d love to hear what came up for you, if you feel like sharing. Whether it’s a quiet “me too,” a story of your own, or just a thought you’ve been holding, the comments are open — and so am I.

    No pressure, no performance. Just space

    To those reading this — tired, wondering, still searching — this place is for you.

    I call it The Stratagem’s Archive — a place to rest, reflect, and remember that your story still matters.

    No matter how quiet. No matter how heavy.

    You’re welcome here.

    You’re Invited

    If something here resonates with you:

    Leave a comment or share your own experience. Like or Subscribe if you want to follow this journey. Doing so allows people on similar paths to find this space and call it their own too. Or just sit quietly and read. That’s enough, too.

    Thank you for walking with me — even for just a moment.

    We may not always know where we’re going, but if we’re still writing, still working, still getting up, then we’re still alive.

  • Burning the Candle at Both Ends… For What?

    Welcome — However You Found Your Way Here

    What’s It All For?

    There’s a kind of exhaustion that doesn’t just sit in your bones—it weighs heavily in your soul too.

    The kind that lingers after clocking out. After another post. After another attempt to build something—anything—that feels like yours.

    I’ve been burning the candle at both ends.

    Warehouse job. Part-time job. Training. Writing. Living. Driving. Sleeping. Socializing. Being human.

    And the fire still isn’t enough to light the way forward.

    Sometimes, I wonder: Is this blog another distraction?

    Another scream into the void disguised as “content”?

    Another attempt to feel less alone that goes unnoticed?

    I’ve published nearly 70 articles since June. Some get read and others not so much. I see the quiet readers—and I appreciate them, but I can’t help but wrestle with a deeper question that haunts my already overactive brain: What am I building towards?

    If not towards freedom… then what?

    These thoughts are familiar companions and they can bring up interesting things whenever I don’t think much about things. Letters from the Void Newsletter go into such thoughts, just to think and reflect, and the start of potential conversations too.

    The Illusion of Progress

    I feel like I’m in the Red Queen’s Race—running twice as fast, twice as hard, just to realize I’m still in the same place. Worst still, if the progress I’ve been making (with my blog) was another means of “taking my mind off of things in my life?”

    Saving, writing, training, surviving.

    My body is breaking down while my spirit tries to rise.

    This isn’t laziness. This isn’t a lack of passion.

    It’s just that when every direction still feels like someone else’s road, your own steps start to lose meaning.

    Fighting for Space That’s Supposed to Be Mine

    I have my own living space now.

    But I’m still on someone else’s schedule. Someone else’s payroll. At someone else’s mercy.

    So I ask myself every day:

    • Why do I keep pushing?
    • Why write when it feels like I’m invisible?
    • Why train when I’m already sore?
    • Why try when nothing seems to come of it?

    The answer is brutal, but honest:

    Because I don’t know how to stop.

    Because something inside me still believes there’s more than this.

    This Isn’t Just Hustle — It’s Survival

    I’m not a success story. Not yet. Or maybe not ever.

    But I’m not a failure either. I’m building something out of broken pieces, from sheer boredom, from always asking myself year after year, “Is this it? Is this all life has to offer me?”

    So, I decided, after many years of doing nothing, I finally took action. Not to impress anyone, except maybe myself.

    But because I have to. Because I’d rather live with calloused hands and a tired heart than live as a ghost in someone else’s story. I’ve lived through this narrative long enough that it was time for a change.

    This blog, this life, this path—it’s not neat. It’s not polished.

    It’s scattered like the notebooks on my floor, the thoughts in my head, the aches in my body.

    But it’s mine.

    So What Am I Really Looking For?

    Maybe… not success.

    Not fame.

    Maybe just a little room to breathe.

    To be.

    To exist in a world that moves fast and rewards flash over fire.

    Maybe I’m just trying to prove that I can live without needing someone else’s permission.

    Maybe I’m not alone in that.

    To Anyone Else Burning Out Just to Stay Afloat

    If you feel like this too—this deep, quiet war between exhaustion and hope—I see you.

    You’re not broken because you feel too much.

    You’re not weak because you’re tired.

    You’re not lost because the road is hard.

    You’re still here.

    Still standing.

    Still building.

    And that counts for something.

    Keep the fire alive. Burn for yourself.

    Even if the world doesn’t notice—

    Even if it never claps or calls your name—

    You’re still worth every damn step forward.

    For the Wondering. The Wandering. The Curious. The Weary.

    If you’ve ever felt like you’re running twice as hard and still getting nowhere—

    If you’ve questioned what you’re building, or why you keep going—

    If you’re trying to carve out a life that’s yours in a world that keeps trying to define it for you…

    You’re not alone.

    This space welcomes you in.

    Not to fix you. Not to sell you answers. I don’t have any for myself.

    But to stand beside you in the dark while you light your own way.

    Read. Reflect. Rage. Rest.

    Whatever you need—come as you are.

    Leave when you’re ready. Or stay, and build with me, share this with someone who might be in a similar boat, and doing so allows other like us to find this little pocket of the internet.

    Did any part of this sit with you?

    If you’ve ever felt the same — or even something close — you’re not alone.

    I’d love to hear what came up for you, if you feel like sharing. Whether it’s a quiet “me too,” a story of your own, or just a thought you’ve been holding, the comments are open — and so am I.

    No pressure, no performance. Just space

    If You Are Indeed Curious

    You can check out my other articles or my newsletters just to see what else I talk about. Other than that, I’ll see you next time, fellow archivists.

    Letters from the Void Newsletter

    The Stratagem’s Manifesto

    What Good is “History” If There’s No Future?

    A Quiet Door I’ve Left Open Ajar

    When a Raise Feels Like a Golden Prison

  • What Good is “History” If There’s No Future?

    Welcome — However You Found Your Way Here

    “I ended a decade-long friendship, not out of hate, but from a quiet realization: what good is history if no one’s building a future with you? This is for anyone who’s ever been the third wheel in their own friendship — and finally chose to walk away.”

    A Heavy Passing Thought

    My head was throbbing, my body felt like it was burning from the inside out, and depressiveness pulled my mood down while I was at work today.

    I hated that most of my (younger) coworkers were standing around, talking stories, and letting work pile up without a care in the world. They were literally next to me — more focused on their plans, their activities, their friendships and relationships — something I wanted to do too. But, instead of working so we could go home at a decent time, we finished WAY later than hoped.

    Then, someone I knew briefly passed in my mind’s eye. Someone I thought mattered because of how long we knew each other, but only showed how little I mattered.

    I haven’t thought about him in two months.

    That’s how long it’s been since I chose to walk away from a decade-long friendship.

    Not quietly.

    Not with ease.

    But with the weight of years pressing on my back — years I thought meant something, until they didn’t.

    We had “history,” sure. But one morning, under freight that was too heavy for one person while the rest stood around laughing, I realized something:

    What good is history if there’s no future being built in the present?

    It hit me so hard, I wrote it down in the middle of my shift before I forgot.

    When the Scales Are Unevenly Tipped

    This friend — let’s just call him my “supposed best friend of 10 years” — told me he still cared. That our friendship mattered to him.

    But when my family was attacked during a typical gathering, and I needed him most?

    He vanished.

    Not a word.

    Until I reached out 2 weeks later, not about the pain, but about an anime convention we had planned to go to.

    And even then, when we saw each other…

    He clung to his girlfriend.

    Wouldn’t look me in the eye.

    Wouldn’t even walk beside me.

    I would walk ahead of them and then would had to slow down to let them catch up.

    But they always went at their own pace, and never did back their words up with any action. Not physically. Not emotionally. Not once. Just pretty empty words and the likelihood that I was going to accept them as I used to. Keywords: Used to.

    “Busy” Was Too Big of an Ask

    I was the one who initiated our texts about 70-90% of the time. Even when I texted after my friend was off from work, he wouldn’t reply for weeks or even a month later.

    I asked for one thing — a one-word text: “Busy.”

    That’s all. Just something to calm the storm in my head and not me assuming the worst.

    But I was told I was asking too much.

    Told I wasn’t imposing — even as I trailed behind like a ghost, forgotten and unacknowledged, yet in plain sight.

    I Burned the Bridge Because It Was Already Collapsing

    Let me be clear: I didn’t walk away because I was impulsive.

    I walked away because I had already stayed too long in something that no longer respected me.

    Something that stopped including me.

    And once he got what he really wanted — companionship, a girlfriend, even among his already large group of successful friends and mentors and string of one night stands before meeting someone he wanted to build a life with — the friendship became an afterthought. A convenience. A placeholder.

    Just like I became.

    I don’t think he meant to hurt me. But he did.

    And me? I was just always there, even if we lived in different towns connected by texts and D&D Discord sessions. Until I wasn’t.

    Walking Away Hurts. But So Did Staying.

    It took me nearly two weeks after the decision to stop myself from reaching out.

    Another month to find the courage to delete both their numbers for good.

    And now, two months in, I feel the silence. Still. But I don’t regret my decision.

    Because silence from someone who once said, “You matter,” is the loudest answer you can get.

    I refuse to hold onto a friendship that wouldn’t hold space for me back.

    The Shift Was Clear and So Was My Choice

    Even before walking away, I started to rebuild — after I told him I was too busy working 2 jobs, getting little sleep each night, and I’d get back to him when I could. Until I didn’t.

    I was silent for 1 month, and in that time it was the most he ever reached out to me, asking how I was and how living on my own was. That was bothered me, he reached out when I said I’d get back when I could, but I ignored him and kept building my own future.

    It was when I started my blog, grieving alone in my apartment after burying my grandpa and being surrounded by family who wanted nothing to do with us when he passed, while my friend got to keep having fun, being surrounded by friends, while I kept to myself and my work.

    The final straw was when I confronted him when he and his girlfriend came to town for vacation. He only reached out to me because his girlfriend was hanging out with her own friends here, not because he wanted to hang out with me. I was the last resort that he reached out to and I wanted to crush my phone when I read his texts.

    I was livid, I was furious, and the words spilled all over the text when I confronted him, “what are we to each other?”

    He said he needed time to think and I told him he had every right to think things over and to have a nice vacation. I had his number on mute for a while, until that day arrived.

    2 weeks later, he texted back, saying that he still valued our friendship and that he still cared. I laughed so bitterly I couldn’t recognize my own voice. I gave him so many chances to show up when I needed him and he never did when it mattered.

    I never told him about my grandpa’s passing because of how his silence affected me prior to when I told him of my family’s assault.

    I refused to tell him about my blog because experience made me hesitate. He would put some of my work down because he knew someone better equipped and skilled, but I shared a part of myself and had it broken in front of me.

    So, I had enough and left. For good and without explanation.

    For Anyone Who’s Been the Third Wheel to Their Own Friendship

    You’re not crazy for noticing the shift.

    You’re not selfish for asking for presence, for reassurance, for basic care.

    And you’re not wrong for walking away.

    Friendship isn’t measured only in years.

    It’s measured in reciprocity. In effort. In being seen.

    Not with begging to be given scraps of attention, begging your supposed “friend” to include you or accepting that they tell you how you’re “too much” or “asking for too much.”

    After 10 years, and from other past friendships, I realized what I value most in a real friendship:

    • Clear and direct communication.
    • Reciprocity.
    • Respect (as an adult), of my time, efforts, and boundaries.
    • Self-improvement.
    • Authenticity.
    • Accountability of choices and actions.
    • Peace of mind.
    • Shared direction.

    So if you’re holding onto a “history” with someone who stopped showing up in your “now,” ask yourself what kind of future you’re building — and with who.

    Because if they’re not building it with you…

    Then maybe it’s time to start building it without them.

    If you’ve felt this before — the quiet end of a long friendship — this space is for you.

    You don’t need to shrink or explain it away.

    You’re allowed to grieve.

    You’re allowed to rebuild.

    And most of all — you’re allowed to walk away from the people who didn’t choose you, even when you chose them over and over again.

    For Those Who Wander

    To those reading this — tired, wondering, still searching — this place is for you.

    I call it The Stratagem’s Archive — a place to rest, reflect, and remember that your story still matters.

    No matter how quiet. No matter how heavy.

    You’re welcome here.

    You’re Invited

    Did any part of this sit with you?

    If you’ve ever felt the same — or even something close — you’re not alone.

    I’d love to hear what came up for you, if you feel like sharing. Whether it’s a quiet “me too,” a story of your own, or just a thought you’ve been holding, the comments are open — and so am I.

    No pressure, no performance. Just space

    Thank you for walking with me — even for just a moment.

    We may not always know where we’re going,

    but if we’re still writing, we’re still alive.

  • A Sanctuary for the Weary, Wondering, and Wandering

    Welcome — However You Found Your Way Here

    No Rest for the Wicked, Weary, and Wild-Hearted Who Just Keep Going.

    There’s no shortage of loud voices out there — telling you how to fix yourself, to work harder, numb certain emotions, workout 7 days a week, take cold plunges, or fit into something you’ve never belonged to. I’ve tried a lot of things.

    Maybe not everything, however, none of the things I tried from mainstream sources made me whole. I felt more fragmented, disorganized, disappointed, and left behind than when I started.

    This Blog Wasn’t Made to Go Viral

    It was built for those of us who are still here — despite the weight, the numbness, the anger, the tired bones, the cracked foundations we’re rebuilding with our own hands.

    If that’s you, then you already understand:

    It’s not weakness to keep showing up — It’s strength. It’s courage. It’s survival. It’s showing up when it counts and matters.

    Maybe you’re looking for answers to your own questions — I’ll be honest and say that you wont find any here. I’m not an expert, I don’t have any answers, and I made this a place that doesn’t demand you to perform or pretend. Just be.

    A place to feel something real.

    To feel a little less alone in the noise of our lives and the expectations we face.

    That’s What This Blog Is

    Not a solution. Not a soapbox. Not a funnel.

    A quiet kind of fight. A refuge. A story in progress. Everything is built while in motion and with little rest.

    You don’t have to comment, like, or subscribe, though doing so helps others like you and me find this place where we can be.

    If something here speaks to you, I hope it reminds you that you’re not alone — even if the world makes you feel that way.

    The weary are welcome here.

    The curious, the angry, the soft-hearted, the heavy-limbed — all of you.

    This is for us, The Fellow Archivists..

    The ones still wandering — but never lost.

    You Heard Me Whisper — And That Means Everything.

    Have You Fully Met Yourself in the Silence?

    Do You Ever Feel Like You’re Writing Into A Void?

  • More Than Muscle: My No-Gym, No-Excuse Home Setup

    Welcome — However You Found Your Way Here

    Life Outside of the Gym Setting

    Most people go to the gym for more than just equipment. It’s the energy, the people, the buzz — the sense that you’re part of something. I get that. I used to train in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu and felt that same rush — sparring, learning, getting my face shoved into the mat, and still getting back up. There’s a kind of community there that makes you feel like you belong.

    But life doesn’t always let you belong.

    Pain, exhaustion, work, debt, and the kind of schedule that doesn’t give a damn if you’re sore or soul-tired — those are real. So instead of wishing for a better time or waiting for a perfect gym, I’ve built a home setup that fits my life as it is — not the life I wish I had.

    This is strength — to me, it’s not the numbers I lift, but the fact that I still show up, even when my lower back flares up with acute and electric pain shooting up and down my left leg.

    My Apartment Friendly Home Gym

    No, I don’t have a power rack or squat bar. I’m not looking for “absolute strength.” Anymore at least. What I want is to feel good in my body again — powerful, capable, like I’m a character out of the games I love:

    • The Tarnished from Elden Ring.
    • Kassandra from Assassin’s Creed: Odyssey.
    • The Hunter from Bloodborne.
    • Wolf from Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice.

    Characters who don’t just survive — they move, they fight, they climb, they persist, they endure and thrive, even starting out as faceless nobodies at the ending of a life changing event or in the middle of it.

    I train to feel like I can handle whatever the world throws at me — physically and mentally, even with my current limitations because life tends to beat you until you’re within an inch of your life, no matter what you do and don’t do.

    Here’s What I Have For My Set Up

    • 25–35 lb sandbag – For squats, rows, carries, and controlled chaos
    • Kettlebells (10–30 lbs) – Versatile and easy to grip for swings, squats, and more
    • High dip bars – Bodyweight rows, dips, and pushups with range
    • Resistance bands – Mobility, control, and variety without weights
    • 8 lb weighted vest – Makes everything harder and humbles you fast
    • 2.5 lb ankle/wrist weights – Subtle burn, especially for rehab-style days
    • Foam roller – For recovery and mobility sessions Mindset – The 2nd most important thing in the room
    • Myself — the MOST important thing in the room.

    Since I also live above people, I have to make adjustments and choose appropriate workouts, so ballistic movements (like jumps) are out — but likely anyone can still get strong no matter their circumstances and restrictions.

    A Glimpse into My “Routine” — If You Can Call It That

    Today, after a long shift and traffic that tested my last nerve, I came home and:

    • Washed dishes
    • Threw tomorrow’s steak in the fridge to defrost
    • Picked up my sandbag and knocked out: 2 sets of sandbag squats 2 sets of sandbag rows

    Was it a “full workout?” Maybe not. But it was something. My journal has been filled with “rest days” lately, but today I reminded myself that I don’t need to be perfect — I just need to keep going.

    Some days, it’s:

    Pushups and bodyweight squats Sandbag carries or deadlifts Follow-along yoga (especially on flare-up days)

    I’m doing what I can until I can do more — boxing, parkour, rock climbing — and anything else I’ve been eyeing from a distance to compliment my wrestling and BJJ experience.

    This Regime Isn’t About Aesthetic or Approval

    I don’t train to look pretty. I never cared for makeup or the kind of attention I didn’t ask for. I train to earn the respect I don’t get just for existing. I train to feel comfortable in this body that’s carried pain, loss, anger, and fire for years.

    I don’t believe strength has to mean lifting more weight and just building absolute strength. There’s more to life than that. Sometimes, it’s lifting again — even after days, weeks, months, hell even years, that tried to kill your spirit, body, and break your mind.

    In Conclusion

    You don’t need a gym to be strong.

    You need a reason — even if that reason is rage, pride, spite, or the quiet belief that maybe, just maybe, you’re not done yet.

    For my recurring and quiet readers:

    What’s does strength look like, feel like, to you?

    Not the strength people keep shoving into your face when you don’t agree with it or what people say it is — what it actually means to you.

    You don’t have to comment. But if you’re reading this in silence, still breathing, still getting up, still moving — I see you.

    And if you’re building your own training setup, small or scrappy or silent — tell me about it. Or don’t. Just keep going. That’s enough.

    If this spoke to you, leave a comment — I actually read them. They remind me I’m not alone in this either.” Sharing helps others find this space too. That matters more than you know.

    — The Stratagem’s Archive

    More Than Muscle: What Real Strength Looks Like to Me.

    It’s All Perspective: On Writing, Struggle, and Using the Tools That Keep Me Going

    Trunk Logic: Thoughts From the Pre-Shift Void

    Thank You + Free Download

    Letters from the Void Newsletter

  • It’s All Perspective: On Writing, Struggle, and Using the Tools That Keep Me Going

    Welcome — However You Found Your Way Here

    Experience Comes From Trying and Learning

    There’s something I’ve come to realize lately — not from books or courses or advice I didn’t ask for — but from surviving, from showing up, from trying to keep a piece of myself alive while everything else demands more than I have to give:

    It’s all perspective.

    That phrase has sat with me for a while now, especially as I try to write every day — even while juggling two jobs, physical pain, emotional exhaustion, and a gnawing voice in the back of my mind asking, “Does any of this even matter?”

    Some days I barely have the mental bandwidth to string thoughts together, but I still want to write.

    To say something real. To feel like I still exist.

    So yes — I’ve turned to AI for support.

    Not for shortcuts.

    Not for followers.

    But for structure — for help when my brain feels like scrambled code and my mind is too full of fog to hold up the weight of full paragraphs. Even a sentence is difficult a lot of the time for me to come up with on my own.

    What People Know VS What I Think

    There’s a lot of noise out there.

    People talk about AI like it’s the death of creativity.

    Like using any tool that doesn’t come “purely” from your own brain is some kind of cheat code.

    But I don’t see it that way.

    I’m not giving up my voice.

    I’m not handing over the wheel.

    I’m collaborating with something that helps me keep the engine running on days I can barely keep my eyes open, let alone write a post that feels clear, coherent, and worth sharing.

    It’s not perfect.

    But it’s honest and it has helped me share the ideas swirling around in my head, even after working literally all day and commuting between jobs.

    And if someone wants to judge that from their high horse of energy, time, and privilege?

    Let them.

    They don’t know my hours.

    They don’t live my life.

    Perspective Is a Lens, Not a Law

    It’s wild how much meaning shifts depending on how you look at something.

    A break can be seen as quitting — or as healing. A tool can be seen as cheating — or adapting. A slow pace can be seen as lazy — or as deliberate. Asking for help can be seen as weakness — or as strength that refuses to drown silently.

    Perspective isn’t fact — it’s just the angle you’ve been taught to look from. And if that angle doesn’t serve me anymore, I have every right to shift it.

    I’m Still the One Holding the Pen

    Here’s the truth:

    When I use AI to help build a draft, I still have to read it, cut it, reshape it, rewrite it to match the truth in my chest.

    I delete what doesn’t feel right and what isn’t true for me. Then, I add what only I can say.

    And sometimes I just stare at the screen for a while, exhausted, and let the structure be enough until I can fill it with more.

    That’s not giving up.

    That’s surviving the storm while still finding time to

    write a sentence, or ten, or none at all.

    Keep Showing Up, However You Can

    If you’ve ever felt like your creative spark flickers under the weight of your job, your body, your past, or the expectations placed on you — I get it.

    I’m in it too.

    But don’t let anyone shame you for using whatever tools, habits, rituals, or support systems you need to stay in the fight.

    I’ve seen enough of it through PVP — Player versus Player games like, “Elden Ring”, where certain players think using the tools IMPLEMENTED IN THE GAME is considered “cheating” or “ruining the game.” (If you know, you know).

    Whether that’s AI, notebooks full of scribbles, or writing at 2AM when the world is quiet enough to think — it’s yours.

    Your voice doesn’t become less yours because you get help shaping it.

    This isn’t about perfection. This is about persistence.

    And if perspective changes everything, then maybe it’s time to stop looking at yourself through the lens of people who never tried to understand you in the first place.

    Did any part of this sit with you?

    If you’ve ever felt the same — or even something close — you’re not alone.

    I’d love to hear what came up for you, if you feel like sharing. Whether it’s a quiet “me too,” a story of your own, or just a thought you’ve been holding, the comments are open — and so am I.

    No pressure, no performance. Just space

    Whether you write by hand, by heart, or with a little help — I see you.

    If you’re using tools to stay afloat, what helps you show up in your work or creativity?

    Share your thoughts in the comments, or keep them to yourself — either way, I hope you keep going.

    Fellow Archivists, welcome, as always.

    If you’d like to see the inspirations of this post, check out my other articles on what I think about AI below.

    Learning to Work With A.I. — Not Let It Think For Me

    A.I. Was Taking Over My Writing Life — I Had to Pull Myself Back

    Quarantine Life: In The Confines of Comfort: Idea #1:

    Otherwise, if this spoke to you, leave a comment — I actually read them. They remind me I’m not alone in this either. Sharing helps others find this space too. That matters more than you know.