The Stratagem’s Archive

Category: Personal stories

  • It Was A Typical, Atypical Day

    Was today typical?

    Some aspects of a typical day followed the same patterns that I barely noticed, though noticed enough, the disruption in said patterns. The day only becomes “atypical” if I believe something has changed, something shifted, and I experience a mixture of emotions all at once:

    • I felt dread and trepidation because my vacation ended, I have to return to my full-time job that drains me. Yet, I feel relieved that I can step away from the keyboard for a little bit.
    • I felt hatred and resentment towards myself because not much has changed since taking my vacation; I’m still working for a corporation that pays me well enough being a college drop out, offers great benefits, but kills me on the inside every second I’m present. However, I get to dictate what I want and can do in the day.
    • I’ve gotten curious to try something’s from Pinterest because I want to be proven right and wrong at the same time. At least, until I can work at my part time rage room job, then I’ll be hating everything and everyone at work. Unfortunately, that’s typical for me until I wake up without the help of caffeine or energy drinks.
    • I’d want to finish up the work week already, jump straight back to being my days off, so I get to decide how to spend my time without someone looming over my shoulder or dictating me: be it learning, experimenting, or pursuing new outlets and passions.
    • I feel dreadful that I don’t want to get out of bed, I don’t have much energy to bother, but I have to get up, follow my routine, or I’ll fall behind again.

    The main difference from my typical day shifting to an atypical one is mostly from the small progress and projects I hadn’t done before, but gave it a try anyways.

    • Been working on my story telling and writing skills.
    • Fixed and potentially saved an Xbox 360 from a rage impending doom: Fixing A(n) (E68) System Error Xbox 360 As a Complete Noob:
    • Read and finished 1 more book than the prior years.
    • Learned and advocated my needs and boundaries, even if that meant walking away from people I used to call “friends”, but they never really called me that in return.
    • Taking charge and accumulating wins from the moment I wake up to when it’s time to sleep again.

    The list goes on and on, it provides a small silver lining within my usual pessimistic and neurotic perspective, yet I am grateful that things are slowly changing. Small acts of courage, even when I feel afraid, has given me another “second chance” I never gave myself years prior. Things can change, are changing, and are becoming something different that I can’t wait to see what and where it could lead to.

    I’m terrified, although I feel more courageous to move forward regardless of that fear, and that is the most atypical of a day it could get for me. Wouldn’t that be one of the best feelings in the world to experience?

    Slight Change in The “Typical/Atypical” Part:

    Update: So, this became an atypical day because a few things happened today:

    • 1) According to my coworker, we had a tsunami watch last week, even though I told her that I didn’t get a notification. She said a lot of people didn’t get it, but lots saw it on Facebook, which I don’t have.
    • 2) The tsunami watch was supposed to have ended the same week it was announced, but it didn’t.
    • 3) Now, the watch became a tsunami threat, so a lot of people were panicking, driving crazy, all because, and I understand, they’re trying to get home to evacuate the coastal areas and move to higher ground or further inland.

    Thankfully, I made it home to my apartment, my family are packing everything to move to higher ground or further inland, but this has been the first ever tsunami threat in probably decades. We’ve been able to avoid a lot of tsunamis and hurricanes for a long time now. I guess Mother Nature decided we needed a wake up call, get us to set our priorities straight, and see if we are ready for her violent and vicious visit approaching in a few hours after this update.

    I’ll just have to wait and see. Hopefully, everyone makes it to where they have to go safely because I’ve seen first hand how crazy people can get from small inconveniences. I know I would get upset and mad if someone cuts me off in traffic without using their blinker. That’s over an inconvenience.

    But when we feel our life, and our loved one’s lives, are being really threatened? That’s a completely different story. But the only thing we can do, especially what I can do, is wait and see. Thanks for letting me rant a bit, but things should be okay for now.

  • Level 1 Palette: Simple Foods to Last The Week:

    What foods would you like to make?

    The kinds of food I make are simple and depends on how much time I have to meal prep. Since I’m living on my own now, I don’t have to make a lot of food as I used to when living with family. I wouldn’t want to waste a lot of food too often.The things that I like to make are:

    • Chicken long rice
    • Chicken or shrimp pasta with mushrooms, broccoli, and home made Alfredo sauce
    • Chook or Jook (Not sure how to spell it, but its a rice dish)
    • Spam, egg, and rice/fried rice
    • Boiled eggs
    • Saimen (sorry, Ramen) with egg
    • Tuna sandwiches
    • Fried/baked Salmon with asparagus
    • Chicken or beef (Japanese) curry/stew
    • Steak and hot dogs

    Something simple, something fast, some things can be eaten cold, others are quick to heat up (without a microwave, stoves are good too). I can make enough to last a few days, have for lunch or dinner, and can last me during long work days where I have no time to cook. Adulting is tough, but it’s only making me tougher!

  • Yes to Change, But Where to Start?

    What would you change about modern society?

    I used to think about this question often in high school and in university, exclaiming, “the world is messed up! It needs to change; politicians need to do better; If only things were done a (vaguely specific way without evidence or driven by assumptions).” You know the kind of rant I’m talking about, right?

    I would love to make changes to (modern western) society, but I don’t know enough, let alone properly informed, about what changes are necessary. I don’t have social media, I stopped watching the news years ago, and most of my information comes from people’s opinions. Are they anymore reliable than FOX or CBS News? I don’t think so, but people do provide information to potentially look into.

    Otherwise, everything from me would be to ask questions:

    • What is it about (modern) society that is terrible?
    • Am I projecting what I dislike or am unhappy with in my situation onto the whole society?
    • Have I taken steps to solve a real tangible problem in my power to change? If so, what, when, and how did I contribute or could contribute?
    • Am I listening to the opinions of others who, if asked to elaborate on why they think about X and Y, they would be able to provide clear and concise answers?

    It’s likely easy for me to ask questions because, whatever is going on in the world, things haven’t impacted me as harshly as the people in the mainland. I live on an island, we have our fair share of problems, but it’s still problems that need to be addressed.

    • Infrastructure
    • Tourism
    • Homelessness/Available housing
    • Education

    Although, trying to change society is WAY above my pay grade, even if a hypothetical. I’d rather, for now, donate my time, money, blood, and spare resources I could share. I can start small, set a goal for how much and what, research where to donate to, and simply do my part. That’s good enough and easier for me to manage – society is too vast – and engage with.

  • Similar, But Not The Same

    How would you describe yourself to someone?

    I wouldn’t know where to begin if I were to describe myself to someone, be it familiar or stranger. No two people would say the same thing twice. I could be anything to anyone at any point in time:

    • Friendly
    • Empty
    • Neurotic
    • Dull
    • Lazy
    • Bitter
    • Angry
    • Excited
    • Loyal
    • Curious
    • Inquisitive
    • Experimental

    I could be everything in between or nothing at all to anyone. I could be polarizing, neutral, or static, but the answer changes and it’s never consistent. We’re all the strange phenomena of, “Schrödinger’s Cat” – we’re all walking paradoxes of being both alive and dead – we’ll never know the answer unless we open the box, right?

    Even if my task is to describe myself to someone, I wouldn’t be able to. I, myself, have an insufficient vocabulary, so, I wouldn’t have much words to properly express myself well. I am whatever the other person perceives me to be and nothing – reputation or action – could change their mind. I’ve slowly have come to terms with not changing someone else’s mind. Trying to is a terrible waste of time, energy, and resources.

    The one thing that I could share though, despite it all, is that I’m still here; I’m still navigating the complexities of life and seeking simple pleasures wherever and however I can. I know I’ve made strides from the person I used to be to be who I’ve grown into, but old patterns linger and have festered when I thought they were gone. Nope. Out of sight, sure, but never far from mind.

    So, in essence, I’m still fighting to live, fighting to remain, the only word here is fight. I might not be standing on a blue mat, I’ve been thrown around by life, be it by choice or circumstance: surviving, battered, beaten, bloodied, even without obvious evidence showing otherwise. I get up against my severe need for rest and I keep getting slammed anyways. Eventually, I’ll be able to retaliate, I’m bidding my time and waiting for the chance to strike. I know how far I’ve traveled in my own journey, some people don’t need an explanation, only I do and that’s enough.

  • I Had No Idea What I Was Doing, But I Still Fixed This Xbox 360 (With No EXP)

    A New Challenge and New Headaches:

    Welcome, Co-conspirators, The Stratagem’s Archives are now open for perusing. Today, I learned, after HOURS of searching through so much YouTube videos, I have fixed an Xbox 360 with something I’ve never experienced before: An error code, E68.

    Last night my boss at my rage room job received an Xbox 360 in great condition from a customer who said that it was broken. A coworker tested it out on our job’s TV to see what it looked like and it looked like this:

    This video was taken in my apartment, but the system error remained the same.

    The power bank light is green, the power on the system itself is red, and the screen shows an error message on my TV. I had spent, I’m not sure how long, looking for solutions to fix this Xbox. I turned it off, laid it on its side, turned it back on, only to have the same message appear because most of the advice from over 10 years ago showed this did fix their systems. It didn’t work for this one…

    Like this was going to work, but I was skeptical.

    Then, after reading through the comment section from this one YouTube video by “Huzaifa Techincal Guru”, it is when I finally found out the reason for the error code for this Xbox. Now, my Xbox (right of one in video) is fully functioning after all these years when I realized I put the AV cords into the wrong ports of my LG TV. So, I figured, something is causing this other console to act up.

    That’s when the video asks that I take it apart. Not apart to it’s minuscule component, rather to get to it’s hard drive.

    If you can’t spot something different about this vent, then I’ll point it out that the vent looks different where I circled in red. There’s a gap in this vent. That’s where the hard drive is. I was mind blown when I learned those 3 vents were a button to open that hatch!

    The inside to the hard drive!!!

    Once you have the cover off, you will see something with a small piece of fabric sticking out now. That is the hard drive. From my understanding, it is not for extra memory, rather it is used to play first generation Xbox games on this second generation system. It makes it backwards compatible and able to function as though it is the original system.

    Once you remove this hard drive, as far as the error code E68 goes, this is what happened.

    IT’S ALIVE!!!!

    The Xbox starts to function and the error code is gone! Apparently, as far as this experience went, E68 occurs if the hard drive is malfunctioning. You technically don’t need it.

    This is only for allowing the Xbox 360 to play Xbox games.

    The Xbox 360 has it’s own internal memory, unless you want to play games that require more memory or you have a lot of game profiles, the best solution is to remove the current malfunctioning hard drive and get a new one. Else, it’s really not needed and works fine without it.

    One System Has Been Saved!

    After trying to figure out what was wrong with this system, I felt dumb because the solution was so simple – I didn’t have to open the entire system open, I would have broken it for real because I don’t know what to do, then my boss could sell this at work to break. Some people get ecstatic when they get to break a gaming system not theirs. I was so happy because I told them I was going to fix it, with no prior electronics experience AT ALL, and I did!

    Now, my job can do what they want with this system, but I figured that, since it works, we could put it to use than break it when can still be used to play on. The customer that dropped it off also gave the remote controllers and the Kinect system too. All we’d need would be batteries and a few multiplayer games, then we’d be set!

    I’m glad that I was able to figure out how to fix this system, I didn’t want to give up on it until I went through every option possible. Now the Xbox 360 will have multiple error codes appear, but I am thankful I was able to solve one of those error codes today and not resort to watching a system get utterly destroyed.

    I’m biased because I’m a long time gamer; been playing since my dad showed me his PlayStation 1 console playing “Resident Evil, Resident Evil: Nemesis, Frogger, Tomb Raider, Mortal Kombat and other games. Then we got the PS2, PS3, PS4, Xbox 360, Nintendo DS, Nintendo 3DS, PSP, and PSVita. I haven’t gotten any new systems in forever, but that’s for later.

    Anyways, I just wanted to share something new I learned and, if your Xbox 360 having the same issues that you want to keep and is fully functional, maybe this might help. Let me know in the comments, what technical issues you had to deal with and how did you fix it? I’m curious to know what kind of electronic mis-adventures you’ve all had, especially if you have no idea what you were doing, but fixed it somehow.

    Until next time, Co-conspirators, The Archives will now be closing. Until we open again!

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  • Too Focused To Notice The Time

    Which activities make you lose track of time?

    The activities that make me lose track of time are:

    • Daydreaming
    • Playing Video games

    I’ve gotten accustomed to my own company that my mind will wander often. I would entertain the thought of what it would be like to be wealthy and then I could plan my way to wealth; I could imagine being someone of little importance, yet be so well connected that I could have spies everywhere. Just a snap of my fingers and an elite squad of trained mercenaries answering my call.

    Or I’d wonder what it would be like to pick locks, steal something, working with computers, opening electronics up and putting them back together again, repurposed or for it’s intended purpose, just being highly skilled at something useful and hiding it away from the world. More for my entertainment than anything. Although, most of these skills I could learn, so it’s not too far from being only in imagination.

    This is what happens when someone watches too many movies and doesn’t interact with enough people often.

    Then there’s the video games – a past time I got from my dad and one I kept because it’s a solitary activity – the thing that always distracted me. I’ve gotten better at managing how long I play, but when I was younger, you’d have to fight me tooth and nail to get me to turn off my gaming systems.

    I’d wanted to level up my fictional character that I never wanted, until recently, to level myself up in real life. I’ve changed my tune, although, I am making up for the years I spent staring at screens. Though I could say that my personal stats are pretty decent. Especially if I use D&D stats to represent how I’m doing, then I could say:

    • Strength: 4
    • Wisdom: 4
    • Charisma: 3
    • Intelligence: 5
    • Constitution: 5
    • Dexterity: 4

    I could improve my own stats, but at least my personal stats aren’t 1’s anymore, so that’s an improvement!

  • Travel Solo or Gift Away

    If you won two free plane tickets, where would you go?

    If I won 2 free plane tickets, I’m traveling solo and both tickets could be used for two separate locations, then I would fly to Texas to visit family and get to see what farm life is like, a real life “Harvest Moon” experience. From there, I could visit that bookstore, The Painted Porch, in Bastrop, Texas, if I could drive there. If it’s far from my aunty’s farm, then I could experience a roadtrip too.

    Then my next stop would be a coin toss between Tennessee or Minnesota for the Titanic tours I could attend and cross off my travel list from a different prompt answer Leveling Up Exploration Skill IRL:. I don’t care if I could come out more depressed than going in, I want to see the Titanic in real life, even if it’s a replica. It won’t be the same as the real deal, but it’s a history lesson I want to experience.

    Why settle on drinking, drugs, or screen addictions when I could have an existential awakening from witnessing tragedy second hand and then, realize how fragile everything is, do something with myself?

    Otherwise, if I could do anything with these plane tickets, especially if the tickets are valid for traveling anywhere in the world, then I would gift these tickets to my parents. My mom enjoys traveling, so her and my dad could continue traveling, enjoying mini-vacations, while they can before they get swamped or stuck at work. A change in scenery would be nice every now and again, and I’m certain that my parents have more places to visit.

    Better to let them enjoy traveling abroad than me. I could explore at home and have my own adventures outside, no plane ticket required: visit shops I’ve never heard of, volunteer, or go to every library and bookstore that’s open and browse. Yeah, that would be quite the adventure there.

  • When You Think Your Car Was Stolen (It Wasn’t) and What to Do Next Time Around:

    Deep Breaths Before Freaking Out:

    Welcome, Co-conspirators, to The Stratagem’s Archives, and it is open for perusing. Recently, I, your humble narrator and purveyor of meticulous plans, was taught a lesson – a valuable one – and, thankfully, it ended up being the best case scenario because the worst case would have sent me into a spiral of despair.

    My part-time rage room had pitted me against my ultimate nemesis: parking. In a downtown area where parking is horrendous, customers and employees are allowed to park in another business’s parking garage until spots open up. It’s a 5 minute walk, including the stoplights and the walk up to the garage, a small inconvenience for a mastermind in the making like myself.

    The Moment I Crumbled

    When there was a lull in the chaos at work, I mentioned to my boss and coworker that I was going to retrieve my car, and headed over. As I ascended towards the parking garage, I walked towards the back corner of the lot, and my worst fear unlocked: my car stall was empty.

    My first impulse had always been to contact my parents, my first points of contact for anything, but they weren’t answering my calls. I panicked, then called my boss because I didn’t know what to do or who else to call. Bless his heart because he walked over to where I was to help as I struggled to maintain my composure. My boss, ever the pragmatist, spoke to the security guard on my behalf.

    The security guard, a surprising font of wisdom, mentioned that patrons often misplace their vehicles in this labyrinthine garage. They hadn’t towed anyone in months, he reassured us, despite the downtown area’s reputation for vehicular heists. I managed a shaky nod, agreeing to take “one more look.”

    A Villain’s Humiliation, A Hero’s Resolve

    I swear, in that moment, I’d never wanted to slap myself so hard in my life until that night. While I waited, my amazing Aunty appeared, dispatched by my now-reachable parents who were mobilizing other family members. She sat with me, a calm presence amidst my unraveling. My boss, having confirmed with the security guard that all was well, headed back to his work.

    My aunty, a seasoned veteran of downtown skirmishes, then delivered a surprisingly profound message. She herself had faced the predatory tactics of local towing companies – notorious for being petty thieves who can charge exorbitant fees, vehicle theft, and unhelpful interactions with the police. “I’m glad this happened,” she said, “because now you’ve experienced what this area is really like.” She emphasized the importance of documentation, of relying on evidence rather than my “fallible memory” in a district known for vehicular thefts. Her wisdom resonated deeply.

    And so, with renewed resolve, I took that “one more look.” I walked up one more floor and there it was, my trusty vehicle, precisely where I had left it. I had been diligently searching the second floor, when my car had been patiently waiting for me on the third floor all along. Upon returning to work, and later, when I arrived home, I made sure to take pictures of my car, just as my aunty advised.

    I took her advice to heart, immediately snapping photos of my car when I returned to work and again when I finally got home. I also had to issue a series of apologies to my boss and all the family members I had unnecessarily alarmed. Despite my embarrassment—being 28, I truly felt I should have “known better,” reacting impulsively instead of proactively assessing the situation—everyone reassured me that such mishaps are common. I thanked them all for their invaluable support, vowing to do better next time.

    A New Stratagem: The Deep Breath & Documentation Protocol

    This misadventure, my co-conspirators, taught me a crucial lesson. Even the most cunning among us can be blindsided by our own panicked assumptions. My villainous tendencies, in this instance, led me to prematurely declare defeat and, worse, to neglect the power of proactive measures.

    My commitment to you, and to my own continued reign of… well, whatever it is I’m reigning over, is this: Next time, when the unexpected strikes, I will implement the Deep Breath & Documentation Protocol. Before succumbing to the urge to declare immediate catastrophe, I will take a moment, survey the scene with a clear mind, and double-check my initial assumptions. Furthermore, I will ensure I have a visual record, a digital alibi, to counter any potential memory lapses or external threats. I will not repeat this mistake, and I hope those who read my blog can learn from my temporary lapse in judgment.

    For those of you, my equally neurotic co-conspirators, who might also find yourselves teetering on the edge of a freak-out, remember my ignominious tale. Before you unleash your inner panic monster, take a deep breath. Seriously. Just one. Then, maybe, another. And if circumstances allow, snap a quick photo. Often, the solution is much simpler (and far less catastrophic) than your racing mind leads you to believe, and a little evidence can save you a lot of grief.

    What minor misstep has sent your carefully constructed plans into a temporary tailspin? Let me know in the comments below and I will see you all again when the archives open!

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  • A.I. Was Taking Over My Writing Life — I Had to Pull Myself Back

    Pocket Full of “Answers”: How Using Google’s Gemini Shrank My Mind

    Welcome, Co-conspirators, to the Stratagem’s Archives. Today I’ll be sharing my experiences when using Google’s Gemini and how it’s been affecting me. I can’t consider myself a “True Mastermind” if I delegate my thinking to an external database. So, I’m here to reclaim my self-proclaimed title by doing what I should have done from the beginning – Thinking for myself – and having my work, my ability to write, tell stories, come up with ideas, and string coherent sentences, be judged than be seen as “perfect” with A.I.

    Disclaimer: I am not a cyber analyst, engineer, nor great with technology. I’m great at using Google’s search bar. Anything else, I’m abysmal at, so please consult with professionals or someone worth their salt if you’re looking for a proper tutorial. I’m here to share, but not to that level yet. Thanks!

    The Codependency is Real, Co-conspirators…

    If you refer to my previous blog articles here in The Archives, then you will see a massive difference between my writing – messy, distracted, and long winded, a reflection of how the writer speaks in person – and using A.I.

    I used AI to check for grammatical errors, improve the writing format to match this blog’s “Mastermind/Villain/Autodidact” tone, and realizing “my idea” became “it’s work” instead.

    When I had compared my writings in the Archives, I had noticed that, despite my own biases, I was reading something a person wrote; the writing isn’t professional, it’s full of mistakes, and takes awhile to get to the point.

    When reading something generated by an A.I. it feels empty, like I’m reading words, but no emotion is stirred within me: no call to action, no call to fight some injustice, nothing arises.

    A Side by Side Comparison:

    This comparison can be easily seen in my earlier blog post, 2025 is Nearly Over! A 6-Month Reflection & Projecting Ahead. I can candidly share that the majority of that article had been rewritten after being examined by Gemini.

    I didn’t like what I wrote, I thought that my real work would lose people’s interest or attention, as this is my first real project being shared publicly. I struggle to write anything engaging or interesting without running off tangent, which happens often, and is apparent in my first two articles.

    Here in the article, “2025 is Nearly Over! A 6-Month Reflection & Projecting Ahead”, I didn’t finish the entire rewrite because I got lazy, bored, and distracted. I had other ideas I wanted to pursue and, just rewriting the text and switching back and forth between tabs, took a lot of time. It took a lot of time because:

    1. It takes me days, maybe weeks, to finish one article draft to completion, then look for grammatical errors or polish it up through Gemini.
    2. I have to copy and paste each header and block here on the WordPress/Jetpack app individually into Gemini’s text box because I can’t highlight the entire text to copy and paste.
    3. After inputting my work and have Gemini look it over, I am practically starting over from scratch. If it took me days to write the original text, then what I’m doing doubles the time redoing everything and copying the “answers” Gemini provided was better than anything I could ever come up with.

    While everything being provided sounded better in comparison to what I came up with, it took 1 video to snap me back to reality. I was stunting my own growth and, where I was heading, my future looked bleak and blank.

    What Prompted The Stratagem’s Archives to Share This?

    That’s a very good question! Thank you for asking that, Friend. I’m definitely not pantomiming an imaginary conversation. Nope, not me. I was prompted to write this post while listening to The Bioneer on YouTube. His video, “THIS is the Most Powerful Form of Brain Training – Stay Ahead of AI!”, made me realize that I was neglecting my own skills, my own ability to learn, and grow.

    I was actively stunting my own growth – replacing potential ideas, my words, my voice, and conversational and therapeutic help – for fast results. I used something that actively agreed with everything I typed, and it didn’t provide a counterargument or challenged my thoughts. I had an intangible “Yes Man” in my pocket, not a helper.

    After The Bioneer’s video ended, I got up to brush my teeth, then I was hit with an idea. It was for a text based game idea I called, “Return to the World”; the synopsis is about the player character living in isolation for some time and heavily relying on their artificial assistant “R.O.A.M.” (Ready Optimal Artificial Mediator).

    After a system error shuts R.O.A.M. Down, you, as the player, has to relearn how to take care of yourself almost from scratch, slowly developing skills that became dormant from a lack of use and, as the title claims, you are returning to reality and its complexities.

    That is what I am declaring here – I will reclaim and share my personality, reactivate dormant skills, learn new skills out of genuine curiosity, and become an authentic Mastermind – I had been confused when I had started The Stratagem’s Archives, originally known as “Plans2Action”.

    I thought that I had to be a real life villain to be engaging.That being inspired by fictional villainy and twisting this concept on its head, maybe I’ve been describing an anti-villain or anti-hero this whole time, to have an outline to follow. But I’m not cut to intentionally be a real life villain, and being a hero is unappealing to me.

    Instead, I’d rather be a wild card – I can still work my way up to be a “True Mastermind”, but not in the same way I had been throughout most of my blog posts – diving into new ventures and sharing them here. Being intentional with what I choose to do and not do, rather than trying to take over the world.

    Any Upsides to A.I. Though?

    Reawakening dormant skills will take work and, while I will be actively working to reduce my over reliance on using A.I., it has a time and place just like any other tool. You can use a fork to eat cereal, but a spoon would be more effective.

    I think A.I. has been able to help me identify things I could describe, but lacked the proper vocabulary for. For example, when writing my last article, The Stratagem Begins: From Scarcity to Financial Empowerment: Part 1:, I couldn’t figure out what a specific feeling was called and needed help. I typed in Gemini, asking it, “What is that visceral feeling you get when you are using physical cash to pay for something instead of using a credit or debt card?” And it gave me the term called, “the pain of paying”: a well-known phenomenon in behavioral economics made known when paying with physical cash as opposed to using a credit or debit card.

    This term, though I didn’t do further research into this phenomenon, perfectly described the feeling I felt when I had started to pay with cash to prevent increasing my revolving debt. It’s an uncomfortable feeling, I can feel my wallet grow lighter, and the consequence of having a set amount of money at hand forces me to prioritize my needs from my wants.

    Anything Else to Add?

    In conclusion, A.I. may have muddled my mind, I must train myself to strike a balance with it supplementing my work than having it write it for me.

    A.I. still has its uses, it still has a time and place, but over relying on it can shrink your mind, skills, and narrow your perspective. That’s my opinion, at least.

    Work on your own skills, have stories to tell, share them with your own personal flair, rather than delegating that option to A.I. Let it be a tool, not the solution. Let it help, not infantilize you and take over your life.

    If you’ve had similar experiences with A.I., or are overcoming an A.I. dependency, share how you’ve been using A.I., how it’s been affecting you, and your journey to find a middle ground in the comments below. With that said, The Archives will be closing. Until we open again!

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  • Some Days I Don’t Want to Be Here — On Surviving When Everything Else Feels Heavy

    I Don’t Have Any Answers

    Welcome, fellow archivists.

    This isn’t going to be a post full of strategies or 5-step solutions. I don’t have answers. I don’t have any neat, Instagram-worthy fixes for feeling worthless, angry, exhausted, or like a failure.

    All I have is the truth: I’m still here. I show up. That’s it.

    When There’s No Outlet That Works

    Every day, I feel like crying. Or screaming. Or fighting someone. Or curling into a ball and disappearing.

    Most days, I don’t do any of it. I keep it inside. I go to work. I lift boxes. I nod. I breathe through the rage.

    It feels like that, at work, the only time I’ll be acknowledged is: being asked to pick up someone else’s slack, when my mind blanks out and I wasn’t paying attention to what I was doing, or when I make a mistake and that immediately overshadows ALL of the good work I’d done prior.

    Sometimes I don’t even feel angry — I’m just so tired that people assume I’m mad.

    But truth is? I’ve tried the healthy outlets.

    I’ve done the journaling. The walking. The meditating. The deep breathing. The exercising. The learning. The “focus on your goals” grindset.

    I’ve tried cold showers. Better sleep. Better food.

    And it all helps… but it’s not enough. Not when the storm keeps coming back. Not when my mind is so convinced that I’m not worth keeping or being around.

    I Keep Trying Anyway

    I try to channel this torrent of emotions into my projects:

    • Writing D&D prompts I may never run.
    • Trying to code, even though I spent 10 years thinking I wasn’t smart enough.
    • Taking online courses that might help one day.
    • Working two jobs.
    • Keeping myself occupied so I don’t fall into that deep, silent well again.

    But most of the time, I’m not healing. I’m just surviving.

    Mostly I’m surviving. If you want to read more about these slow projects and quiet experiments, I sometimes write about them in Letters from the Void.

    This Pain and Anger Has A Name

    I would often ask myself the same question over and over again;

    What do I have to be angry about?

    That question, that right there, is called “Comparative Guilt.”

    This guilt would trick me, maybe it tricked you too, into thinking that I’m not suffering enough as someone going through real suffering to matter.

    I have so much good in my life:

    • I have caring and supportive family.
    • I’ve been living on my own for a few months.
    • I chose myself over staying in toxic and diminishing friendships.
    • I’ve started my own blog.
    • I’m working 2 jobs to aggressively get out of $15,000 of debt.
    • I’ve been investing in my retirement and my present for 2-3 years now.

    So, what should I be angry, upset, or numb over? I’ve got it so good, someone would want to trade spots with me.

    That’s the guilt trying to tell me that I’m not enough, even though I already struggle with combating feeling like a failure, worthless, and not good enough on the daily. It’s trying to say, “give up, you’re not worth it.”

    But I don’t give up, I’m stubborn like that. I might be a glutton for punishment because feeling angry, upset, or numb might be the only things I can feel these days. For now, that is enough, until I’m able to learn how to smile and feel content or joy again.

    Living Is The Loudest Rebellion I Have

    I’ve started believing that the biggest “f*** you” to a world that seems to want you to disappear… is to not disappear.

    Not to win. Not to thrive. Not to be impressive.

    Just to keep existing, even when it hurts. Even when nothing helps. Even when you don’t want to.

    There’s no power move louder than refusing to vanish — even if you’re dragging yourself through the day.

    If You’re Still Here Too…

    Then maybe you’re like me.

    You don’t have the answers.

    You’re angry and exhausted and worn down.

    But you still show up. Somehow.

    And that counts for something, even if no one sees it. Even if you forget why.

    This post isn’t here to fix you.

    It’s just a reminder:

    If all you did today was survive, that’s still resistance.

    A Note For Fellow Archivists

    If any part of this piece resonates, I’d love to invite you to pause for a moment and reflect on your own journey.

    What part of your story feels messy, uncertain, or unfinished right now? Where are you weary, wondering, or wandering? What small reminder do you need today that you don’t have to fit neatly into anyone’s expectations?

    You don’t have to share your reflections out loud — sometimes it’s enough just to notice them for yourself. But if you’d like, you’re always welcome to write them in the comments, or even send them my way privately. This space is here so that we can remind ourselves and each other: you’re not alone in this.

    If you’ve found something meaningful here, liking, sharing, or subscribing helps fellow wanderers find this little pocket of the internet too. And if you subscribe, you’ll also receive Letters from the Void, my newsletter where I share more quiet reflections, behind-the-scenes projects, and updates before they appear anywhere else.

    However you choose to engage — silently reading, reflecting privately, or joining in the conversation — you’re part of this archive. Thank you for being here.