The Stratagem’s Archive

Category: personal anecdote

  • The Moment I Stopped Waiting for Permission

    Welcome — However You Found Your Way Here

    When Did You Stop Playing It Safe?

    Or are you still waiting for someone, other than yourself, to give you the green light?

    It hit me in the bathroom — the kind of thought that slips in when the world is quiet and you’re standing there, catching your own reflection in bad lighting. I thought back to my situation and asked:

    “Why did I stop playing it safe?”

    I had my own reasons for betting on myself and permit myself to build something from nothing.

    I used to think I couldn’t start anything: No degree. No polished resume. No mentors. No fancy title or job that would validate me.

    I wasn’t a writer, but I was just someone with a lot of feelings and nowhere to put them. I thought I had to earn a voice before using it.

    I Played It Safe For Years

    And then one day, I got tired of my own silence.

    No big lightning bolt. No overnight transformation. Just… the simmering realization that no one was coming to rescue me or hand me a permission slip. So I stopped waiting.

    I started this blog not because I had a plan or a niche, but because I had nothing to lose. I was angry. Tired. Fed up with life passing me by while I sat on the bench, hoping someone would pick me for their team.

    I picked myself instead.

    This Isn’t Happy Hour — It’s 2AM Hour.

    My blog isn’t curated for “happy hour” energy.

    It’s not the shiny, filtered, “I’ve got it all figured out” performance people put on at networking events or in the comment sections of self-help threads.

    This space is for 2am honesty.

    You know the kind — when your defenses are down, the mask slips off, and someone finally says,

    “Actually? I’m not okay. I don’t know what I’m doing. But I’m still here.”

    If this blog is a bar, I’m the bartender. I don’t drink, and I’ve never worked in a bar — but I’m here, wiping the counter down with stories from a life I didn’t think anyone would want to hear about.

    The bar’s mostly quiet.

    A couple of regulars lurk in the corners, reading without saying much.

    The jukebox is broken.

    But I keep talking, just in case someone walks in needing to hear something you only say when the lights are low and nobody’s performing.

    I Don’t Have a Niche — I Have a Pulse

    I’ve written and will write about:

    • What it’s like to work in a rage room while living in a body full of pain.
    • Paying off $15K in debt working two jobs, while trying not to let my jobs own me.
    • Learning to code again after a decade of shame and bad experiences.
    • What happens when my inner critic gets too loud to ignore.
    • Trying to trust AI to help me build, without losing my voice to it.
    • Taking life advice from video games more than self-help books.
    • And much more.

    I don’t have clean answers. I’m not here to teach or preach. I’m just writing to remember that I’m alive — and to see if anyone out here feels the same things I do, even if they call it something different.

    So I’ll Ask You:

    When did you stop playing it safe?

    Or maybe a better question is —

    What would you do if you stopped waiting to be ready?

    Would you finally start that blog, that painting, that email, that messy first draft of something you’ve been hiding behind “someday”?

    Would you speak up, even if your voice shakes?

    Would you stop waiting for someone to crown you and say, “Okay, now you’re allowed to exist out loud”?

    You don’t have to reply back — even silently nodding along is good enough because you’ve been in this strange in-between as I have.

    I don’t know who’s going to read this. Maybe no one. Maybe just a handful of quiet people passing through like ghosts.

    But if you’re here, if you’ve made it this far…

    This is your invitation to stop playing it safe.

    You’re allowed to be messy. To begin. To exist on your own terms.

    You don’t need credentials to tell your story.

    You just need to be brave enough to speak — even if it’s only to yourself at first.

    I lit a flare, wondering if there’s anyone else who see’s.

    If you see it from across the void, I see you, and you are welcome here anytime.

    —

    The Stratagem’s Archive

    P.S: Hey there. If you’ve missed my other posts, you can find the newer ones here down below. Or, if you’d like, you can check out my newsletter Letters from the Void Newsletter, here or check out my little PDF manifesto, Thank You + Free Download, here as a thank you for making it here to the end.

    Otherwise, everyone, I will see you all later in the archives.

    Have You Fully Met Yourself in the Silence?

    More Than Muscle: What Real Strength Looks Like to Me.

    The Whisper of a Far Off Promise — of Freedom, Choice, and Rest.

  • I’m Afraid of Wasting My Potential — So I Learn Everything I Can, While I Can.

    How do you plan your goals?

    An Unstructured Structured System

    My goals undergo a process; it often comes from a place of spontaneity: listing every curiosity and skill down on paper, researching the amount of time and resources I’m able to free up without forfeiting my current lifestyle or neglecting my current obligations, and doing a process of elimination.

    More often than not, my plans are born from a place of mild obsession. I hate feeling small, weak, worthless, useless, and always at the mercy of someone else because of their “position/place of authority.”

    To put it simply, I carry a few questions with me everyday. It scratches the surface of my awareness to the point I’m physically on auto-pilot, but mentally overstimulated and calculating:

    • How Much Time Do I Have Left?
    • How Many More Opportunities Do I Have Left To Explore?
    • How Many of My Curiosities Will I Be Able To Satisfy?
    • Will I Be Proud of My Life If I Stay Where I Currently Am?

    These aren’t the complete list of questions, but they are the most important. I had spent the first 2 decades of my life hiding, playing video games to numb the pain, to hide the fact that I was not gifted with much skill, brains, or strength. I could easily acquire skills and experience quick in video games, unless you’re playing any FromSoft game, but I refused to do the same in real life.

    I decided very recently to change my narrative, and it’s a hit or miss some days. Starting a blog was born from a long wish to write and share when I have no one who would sit and listen in person; I’m learning to code, despite having had an awful experience in university with zero exposure or knowledge prior, to be an opportunity to overcome self-imposed limitations; Allowing my mind to wander and become distracted often leads to adding fuel to my personal fire.

    What Are My Reasons For Planning Things This Way?

    My reasons for planning my goals this way is simple. I’m not striving towards pure freedom, some rules need to remain in place. I’m striving to reduce fear’s hold on me and to expand my options. To use my anger against myself, circumstances, other people that irritates me for something constructive.

    How many of us are living life where our options are limited?

    That is what I want, to expand my options, to release as much anger and rage as I can, one centimeter at a time. The goals I’m striving are for me, for where I want to go, who I want to grow into, and to experience things that I had denied myself and witness and be a part of as many things as I can. True freedom is to have options, instead of having no options and feeling powerless, small, useless,worthless, and a failure.

    These are my goals, my struggles, my process, and my drive. Time is against me, it’s against all of us, and my self imposed deadline is fast approaching. 3 more years, I wonder what I’ll have accomplished by then. Only time will tell, and me!

    For more of my writing and things I’ve been planning, you can check out my other articles below. Thanks!

  • Curiosity Leads to Answers and Questions!!!

    What are you curious about?

    Think of The Possibilities!!!

    I’m curious about a lot of things and, like everything in life, time is in limited supply and high demand! However, I’m most curious about whether I’m capable of learning and applying new skills and hobbies. I have a whole list of things I want to see if I could do it:

    • Parkour
    • Rock climbing
    • Boxing
    • MMA
    • Playing an instrument: piano, keyboard, or guitar
    • Painting with acrylics (its what I have)
    • Coding/cyber security
    • Homesteading
    • Bartending
    • Game design or storytelling
    • Living alone without technology for however many days I can last

    This is just the starter list. The last point is something that I want to try before I die. Majority of the things I could be curious about: quantum physics, engineering, robotics, architecture, history, and all those other advanced subjects I could thankfully learn from documentaries, museums, and other materials.

    Maybe we’ve gotten so used to the saying that, “if someone did something, then it’s already been done.”

    Of course someone did something, it’s something they’ve done, but could we turn the question onto ourselves for a second.

    What is something you’ve always wanted to do, never did it yet, that you could eventually end up doing today or soon?

    No more putting things off like months or years prior. Being a healthy nosy person lets you follow your curiosity and act on it.

    You see a store you never heard of? Might as well take a look inside and ask around; Hear music and glass breaking somewhere, but no danger or distress around? Either people are ignoring the sound or it could be a rage room, who knows?

    I did this at an anime convention this year, if anyone is familiar with the game because I’m not, with the cast of “Baldur’s Gate 3” were part of the guest roster.

    Neil Newbom, Devora Wilde, Jennifer English, and Theo Solomon were present, there were a lot of the cosplays as Baldur’s Gate 3 was the new Homestuck blocking the fire emergency exit because that’s how much of them had, and it was insane!

    I only knew of these people from watching YouTube D&D sessions from Wizards of the Coast channel. I’ve never played or watched anything Baldur’s Gate 3 related except those D&D sessions. I only knew, at the time, that I wanted to say hi to Devora Wilde because she seemed unapologetically chaotic and I vibed with that.

    When at the convention, saw they were having their signings, went up to Devora Wilde’s table and straight up admitted that, “I didn’t know who she or her friends were, I didn’t know the game they were from, and I only knew of them from D&D, but I wanted to say hi.”

    She was really nice, she was someone I had to look up to because she was taller than myself, and she took the pictures with my phone. It was a pretty fun moment and I managed to get a hug from her.

    Sadly, I forget that I can’t always lift people up, especially strangers, because that’s how I show excitement: trying to crush the life out of you and lift you off of the ground, which I did do as a habit when someone lets me hug them. I’m also a grappler, but I digress.

    Either way, that was my experience; I don’t know if I should regret it, cringe over it, or cry over what I did, but I have to accept that I did that. I got to meet someone that other people were so excited to meet and had my time with someone who I could live vicariously through her work, but wouldn’t want to trade my life for hers.

    I don’t know if I met the actual person or her character, but I’m glad I did it anyways.

    Bit by bit, I’m building up my own reservoir of story material and life experiences. The only way to achieve this, despite our fear telling us otherwise, is to follow our curiosity one check marked off our, what I call, a “bullshit bucket list”, at a time.

  • I Refuse to Bring Back A Dinosaur

    If you could bring back one dinosaur, which one would it be?

    I had browsed through the other answers provided for this prompt and, I have to say, I agree with the people who said that they wouldn’t want to let Jurassic Park become reality; I wouldn’t want to let that movie become reality either and that would be a nightmare to experience. I’m still haunted by the scene from the first “Jurassic World” movie where that lady was grabbed the Pterodactyls and then was eaten by that large aquatic dinosaur whole.

    I’ve also watched “Attack on Titan” and remembered season one when Eren Jaeger was eaten by that one random Titan whole and he was just sitting, while alive and conscious, in the Titan’s stomach acid. Even another person was sitting, being boiled alive by the stomach acid, for a moment before she died a slow and painful death.

    That is pretty much what that scene from the”Jurassic World” made me think of, except that lady wasn’t the main character, let alone a secondary main character, and the writer’s killed her off in one of the most gruesome ways possible. She was swallowed whole and very likely died slowly and very painfully, alone and afraid and rather unnecessarily. I get that it was probably for shock value, but I had nightmares when I saw that scene.

    I refuse to rewatch that one movie only because of that scene. I’ll watch all the other installments, but I refuse to watch that one particular movie. You couldn’t pay me enough money to sit and watch the movie. Not even for one billion dollars! I could tell you what I would do if I had one billion dollars in this article, What Would You Do If You Had 24 hours to Spend 1 Billion Dollars? And I can tell you right now that watching “Jurassic World” IS NOT ONE OF THOSE THINGS!!!

    Thank you for taking the time to read my rants. I’ll see you in another one!